


The Peculiar Art Of Dying

by Bawgdan



Category: InuYasha - A Feudal Fairy Tale
Genre: Action/Adventure, Drama, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-14
Updated: 2018-01-02
Packaged: 2018-05-26 15:17:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 35
Words: 75,735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6244858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bawgdan/pseuds/Bawgdan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kikyou wanted to follow him into the darkness after death. She wanted to cling to him like a disease and poison him with her finger tips, her lips, the little bit of strength she had left in her arms, because finally she had found a body to rest against entirely. Finally she had learned true acceptance and true love in the most unlikely of them all....(AU)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Beginning

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [Необычное искусство умирания](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11271303) by [ElisabethMayerling](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElisabethMayerling/pseuds/ElisabethMayerling)



> Personally, I've never felt as though Kikyou truly received a happy ending. This is my attempt at doing that for her. She's always been one of my favorite characters. Probably because her life had been so tragic. I also like a challenge, so I want to see if my muse will end up bringing her and Sesshomaru together. I hope you enjoy this journey.

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_**"She wasn't precisely sure what she was walking toward but she wouldn't have turned around for the world." ~ Patrick deWitt: Undermajordomo Minor** _

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** Beginning **

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Misfortune lived in her garden, swelling beneath her soil, her skin, her bones. An illness that drained the blood from her veins. Worms lived in the tiny vacancies of Kikyou's innards, and when she would take deep breaths, her chest would rise. But not like the salty tides of the ocean. Like a wheezing wind trapped inside an empty vase.

She brought her palms to the sky, sleeves slipping down her arms, and the sun had shone through her skin like a blade. Hotter than it had ever felt when she was fully alive. And that's what she liked the most about existing ,smells were never faint, finger tips grazing her skin felt like pins and needles.

_ 'You never smile.' _

_ 'Well, Inuyasha, there's nothing ever to smile about.' _

There never was. There still wasn't and she grew icy thinking about that memory for the fifth time. She wished all her memories had disintegrated with her flesh. Inuyasha had curled himself around her as if she had been the cure to his insanity, and once upon a time ago, she didn't mind it. Kikyou didn't mind giving him her knees, the spaces between her fingers, the bend in her arms. She was searching for something in him too. His eyes were never prettier than stars and his hugs were always messy, but she held on to him as their little boat sunk.

Alas, misfortune remained a persistent lover and figured she wore melancholy the prettiest. Alive and even dead. Sorrow lowered her lids and disdain dried her tongue. Bereft, Kikyou spilled herself in the outskirts of a village buried deep in the west. In wide open space. The grass was not high enough to embrace her waif disposition. A demon had licked up her scent. She could sense them, at a rather eased pace, nearing her. Her ghost of a heart fluttered, but she did not stir her bones.

She simply sprawled her fingers and toes as she stared up into the sky. Waiting for the clouds to fall and smother her, for the sun to crash into her body and cleanse her of the tragedy that tinged all her pointed features.

The demon stopped ten feet away, and his aura was stronger than the space that held them. For a long while neither of them said anything, but the silence was pregnant with curiosity, peculiar in how familiar the presence burned.

"Does the smell of my death entice you?" Kikyou uttered with a sharpness contrary to her waning ego.

"I've smelled better deaths, but none this pitiful."

"Pity! Is that what I have inspired in you?" She then sat up, opening her petals like a watered flower, feigning the mirage of a what all beautiful women were supposed to have. Confidence. Confidence in tomorrow, her past, and the sun setting in the west.

And she knew the demon through a collection of her memories, through whispers and petty kisses from her old lover. The moon that lulled beneath his bangs. The glitter in his eyes that reminded her of a hundred different heartbreaks simultaneously. She caught her breath, but her silent curses scattered like a wind-kissed dandelion.

Sesshomaru's expression matched hers as he responded with silence. Kikyou had hoped she could get away with simply being without the past nipping at her ankles, but instantly felt childish for even dreaming of an 'escape'. She was weak, and it was more painful to scowl than weep.

"Well?" She urged him, picking grass from the ends of her hair.

He took a deep breath, nostrils flared and his lips slightly parting. She thought she'd caught him rolling his eyes as he broke their equal gaze. Kikyou counted the seconds it took him speak. A minute passed. An agonizing minute.

"Your assistance."

"Pray tell?"

The way one could smell a field of flowers, death lingered around Kikyou like a residual haunting in the same fashion. So much so, he was sure that's what seeped from her pores– freshly pick death sprinkled with the remains of sweetened depravity. Abomination. That's the word he'd picked for.

"A sick child." He'd reached deep into his gut, breaking some ribs with the wickedness of his pride. The villagers, after some cruel convincing, mentioned a priestess.

"For you to eat?"

But out of all the many 'kind' human women it could have been. He instantly felt cheated and disgusted. Sesshomaru didn't take kindly to the broken shards of her lilt nor how boldly she presented herself. Dead and crass. Frail with the audacity of petulance. He fathomed the many gorgeous ways he could break off her limbs with the hunger of a starving artist. His fingers twitched. Curling into a fist.

No. He couldn't kill her. Rin was sick.

"Human children are a poor man's delicacy. Not of my ilk."

Rin grew on him like vines of ivy. It didn't matter how many times he cut and ripped at her potential, she would only inspire more beautiful metaphors for him to fix onto her.

"I would not have guessed..." Kikyou licked her dry lips and Sesshomaru cringed. His skin crawled with a hotness that could rival the sun. She was antagonizing him as if she knew his secret. And like a mad man, he internally accused her of reading his mind and stealing his fears for her to devour. He saw himself wrapping his hand around her neck and squeezing until all the flies and vermin flew from her mouth.

"I don't mind." She spat at the climax of his imagination.  _All the flies and putrid death fell from her lips and he released her lifeless body back into his daydreams._

Kikyou rose, sprouted like a pretty weed. Glowering at him. Stepping towards him. Destroying their gap. Shedding layers of her self-pity.

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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (4/17/2018): I've been working on this for a year or two. I first would like to say thank you to all who have been dedicated to sticking around, enduring my long breaks from updating. For a point in time, I just stopped feeling this story. It could be the way my life has been going and holding down multiple jobs has done nothing but hinder my creative juices. As of right now, I'm editing each chapter so that I can fill in the plot holes and expand in some places that were lacking.


	2. A Bitter Coincidence

_"You're full of terrible ideas, Kikyou."_

_She had reserved a special vanity for Inuyasha. A special vanity that liked the way he balanced her name against his teeth, at the middle of his tongue. It always made her skin feel pretty._

_"Kikyou..." Inuyasha bellowed down into the shadows of the well as she scaled the cool walls with patient fingers. Brushing against the odd flowers that coursed like veins up the walls of dirt. Pure white petals that didn't resemble anything familiar._

_"I'm not coming down to get you." He protested once more. Kikyou pursed her lips to reprimand him, but a ghost crawled over her. Slipping down her shoulders as she brought her nose to the heart of a flower. A supernal tingle as she inhaled. A swarm of butterflies erupting in her stomach as she exhaled._

_Inuyasha said her name for the tenth time and she sneezed._

Time and place. It felt right that day and with hindsight, she wondered if she had alluded to her own death. Something in her knew all along. The desperation in Inuyasha's voice had sewn together the body of their bad luck. Hands, feet, torso, and a broken neck.

It was the last time she'd seen flowers like that. It was the last time she'd recall fully being enraptured with Inuyasha. That day, the deeper she treaded into her memories, was the day of many lasts.

_Staring up into trees and sky. Inuyasha's eyes reflecting the sunlight that spilled over him and into the well. The light barely touched her forehead and the damp confines cooled her body neck down._

Something in her knew all along that she was going to die young. She joked about it often, but beneath every sarcastic hum lived a sneaking suspicion and a well hidden belief.

Sesshomaru carried no similarities to Inuyasha, and that saddened her. His voice didn't echo in the same way and his eyes were too intense. Too intense for her.

He loomed over Kikyou as she kneeled next to Rin. His expression the beginning of a story with no discernible ending. And Rin's complexion could've been compared to a clouded sunset. The unsteady rise and fall of her chest like a spring chill cutting through a valley. Kikyou took her small hand in hers, spreading out her fingers. Rin had a slight fever, but her flesh felt like summer within Kikyou's palm. She felt very alive despite being out like a light. Not once stirring from her sleep. Only slightly shivering when her warm skin met Kikyou's perpetual deadness.

Very alive and very human.

"She just needs rest. Children aren't made for the wear and tear of the weather." Kikyou stated bluntly, and for a moment Sesshomaru was quiet. He held his breath before releasing a brief 'Hm'.

The wind whistled through the cracks of the hut.

"The seasons are changing. That's why she's sick." She looked up at him over her shoulder.

"What a nuisance." He sighed.

"Well you can't keep pet humans and not expect them to get sick."

"She's not a pet."

"Then what is she to you?"

"Swim too deep and you will drown, woman."

And there it was. Something salvageable. Something familiar. The memory of a fluttering heart thrummed in her empty chest.

She stood up, hastily. Eyes just as dull as his, chin pointed upward. He was mildly surprised by her sudden shift and then acknowledged that she was challenging him. The corner of his lips twitched with his itching senses.

 _For Rin_. He kept reminding himself.

 **Reminding** himself that mortal women were the curse to his legacy, and how the apple never fell too far from the tree. He saw his old kingdom burn, his father's bloody bones, and Izayoi. Sesshomaru closed his eyes and gritted his teeth. He closed his eyes and saw how dangerously pretty Izayoi had been. Dangerously, disgustingly pretty. For nothing.

All that fire. All that hell for absolutely nothing.

"Whatever she is to you, I don't really care. But if you want a swift recovery I need specific herbs."

Favors. That's all she ever did. She was starting to resent people and regret her ability of feeling remorse so passionately. Remorse got her killed. Remorse broke her heart. And she didn't like how it mingled with misfortune.

"Come with me." She choked a little. Stewing in her guilt. Cutting past him with a vicious flip of her locks.

And Sesshomaru licked his fangs, beginning a cruel sentence before swallowing the daggers in his throat. Hesitating, he beamed down at Rin. Dressing her in his own insecurities. Painting her bones with his toxic curiosity. Sesshomaru liked to think that he was fully self aware of his decisions, but he was fearing the snow that melted from his mountain. Flowers started to grow, a river babbled in his dreams, and _Izayoi waited for his father_. With a patience just as kind as Rin's.

For the first time in a long while, Sesshomaru couldn't make sense of his colorful dilemma.

Cursing himself for thinking his way into a bottomless pit, he turned to follow Kikyou.

xxx

Kagome was nothing like Kikyou. **In fact** , she was a thousand times worse. Where Kikyou lacked in flavor, Kagome lacked in discreteness. She spoke too loudly and often fixed words in a such a way. Inuyasha could never tell if she were joking or if her feelings were actually hurt. Kagome wasn't honest. She talked a lot, but her lies couldn't hide the skips of her heart. Most of the time, she looked nothing like Kikyou and their differences outweighed their similarities.

But if Inuyasha had to pick their biggest difference, it was that Kikyou always blurted her truth while Kagome would prattle on about things such as 'algebra' and 'dish detergent'.

However, they had created a language for each other. Her arms around his neck. Her legs locking his waist. How he'd loop her legs in his arms. It was like quietly finishing each other's sentences.

"Hey. Wait a minute." She mumbled as he positioned his legs to leap.

"What?"

"I didn't know flowers grew down here." Kagome was looking up and his eyes followed her chin. She reached out and pointed to a white flower.

"How did we miss that!?"

"Kagome! I never miss anything!" His nose wrinkled at the thought of 'we' and he over thought its context.

"Pick it for me!" She demanded, wiggling against his back. He thought to oppose it, but he hadn't seen her in three days. And it was easier to concede than argue with her.

As he scaled up the wall, she stretched her arm out like an eager child. Eventually they became close enough, and she plucked it with little intention of keeping it. And he thought it was such a shame. Such wasted effort.

"I can't believe I never noticed." She breathed into its petals.

"They don't grow often. It's not the first time I've seen them." He was hit with a sudden melancholy and became very sullen. Kagome hated being reminded that she was an extension of something painful and dead. He hated it too.

"They're so pretty."

"Yea." He echoed the past.

They both fell silent as they discovered the horribly unsatisfying ending to a lost fairy tale.


	3. Sleeping Dogs...

A greatness that he could never mirror died with his father. Though the years felt like shredded seconds, Sesshomaru spent many of them burying his agony with all the men he had murdered. A little bit of sadness crammed in a rib cage. A fistful of a happy memory lodged in a throat. Each and every one of his victims carried the burden of his mourning, his pride, his shame.

_"Killing me won't change anything." Izayoi muttered pitiful. Beneath a naked tree. Layered in the darkest of furs. Her eyes reflected his sadness, but her empathy, embarrassment lived in a meadow of human sentiments. And that entailed concepts that could not strike his core. His sadness was poison that murdered the flowers and clouded the skies_

_Killing her wouldn't bring him back, but it could salvage the glory she had allowed his father to soil._

_Before, there was red. And when he came to under the sunrise of her terror, he had snatched her up by the throat. Her tiny hands snaking around his wrists. Snow trapped in her bangs, her brows, and lashes._

_Sesshomaru held her like a plucked flower. Contemplating the prettiness of her pith, which did not move him in the same ways it moved Inu no Taisho._

Izayoi was right. Time didn't take forty steps back and the future did not right itself. He couldn't kill her. She was the last living thing next to him that preserved a love for his father.

"I find it quite hilarious, _Lord Sesshomaru of The West_...."Kikyou said without a smile, looking at him as though he were transparent. She held a fistful of roots and dull colored leaves.

"That I know your lands better than you." The wind cut through her figure, washing loose strands of hair over her plain features.  He then discovered the allure she had to Inuyasha. Her cold aloofness made her pretty.

"So you think." Was his rebuttal.

The ghost of a smile lightened her features and she then reached for his hand. Cupping it in both of hers. Resting the roots in his large palm.

"So I know."

"Hm."

"Hmmmm." She sung, withdrawing from their nearness and clapping the dirt from her hands. The knot in their paths no longer served a purpose.

"Boil it and have her drink it." Kikyou exhaled, offended that she had not received a thank you. _Inuyasha never said thank you either_.

Sesshomaru simply nodded and took off in the opposite direction. With such speed, the trees bowed and the bushes whistled.

_And that was that._

Under different circumstances, she would've fought him but that kind of desire didn't live in her anymore. Like with most things, she found herself underwhelmed.

The sun crept into the unmade bed of the west. Another day well wasted and she cursed herself. The ache in her belly crashed like a disturbed sea, and after much debating beneath a dead tree, she decided to break her fast.

Three pretty women to save the ruddiness of her cheeks. Five more to add color to her fingertips. That would solve her morose. For maybe three weeks, she could feel whole.

XXX

In two days, Rin was more vibrant than the rarest butterfly. She sifted through thirty different human emotions, and it crippled Sesshomaru. He was met with harrowing bewilderment. Jaken had insisted it was the nature of little girls, but Sesshomaru was convinced that whatever Kikyou had picked from the dirt had ailed Rin with delirium.

But Rin's warmth could not melt away the frigidness of his father's castle. Home was a forgotten masterpiece. Covered in vines and colored with Sesshomaru's despair. Rin's laughter carried down the halls and poured into the barren garden. Sesshomaru then figured that Rin's bright smile wasn't meant to fill the vacancy in his gut.

He stared out into the pitiful garden. Eyes trailing down the weathered walls that concealed his years worth of mourning. He contemplated burning the place down, but could never bring himself to do it. The fire would paralyze him and stir the scent of his father's blood. A memory that distorted itself into a nightmare.

There was a light nip at his neck and his reflex was of familiar consequence. Sesshomaru pinched at his skin and held Myoga with two claws.

"Spring has treated you well, Lord Sesshomaru!" Myoga strangled.

"And you managed to survive the winter..." Sesshomaru somewhat sighed. His eyes narrowed.

"I've got a hundred more years left in me. I intend to outlive you!"

"What do you want?"

"For you to not squish me." Myoga was the bearer of bad news. It was an unspoken truth. If it wasn't horrible news, it was gossip surrounding Inuyasha. Which piqued Sesshomaru's interest more often than not. He'd never vocalize his curiosity, but Myoga knew him better than his mother. And that was just as sad as his father's ending.

Sesshomaru heaved another cruel sigh and Myoga wiggled.

"Sesshomaru, you already know and don't say you don't."

"I will burn this place down myself before I just hand it over."

Senseless killing was second to breathing, but he had trouble coming to terms with murdering the very men who helped shaped his values. It didn't seem right, and that was a feeling that rarely knotted his stomach.

"Clearly they aren't stupid enough to wage war with you about it." Myoga suggested.

"There wouldn't need to be a war..."Because Sesshomaru had no army. Just a collection of grandeur memories and a decaying manor. Burnt wood and crumbling stones.

"It's not a matter of being stupid. They pity me."

Sesshomaru had forgot to conceal his bitterness, and his voice was thickened with pain. He did not crack, but each syllable was like dragging dead weight. And Myoga noticed. The look that soured Sesshomaru's face was similar to his father's scowl.

Myoga sighed and allowed the times to escape him. As he stared at Inu no Taisho's ghost, he recollected Sesshomaru's  birth and boyhood. Amongst wars, deadly hunts, and the first time Sesshomaru adored a living breathing thing. A small turtle he'd managed not to squish while sparring.

A natural silence occurred between them, because Sesshomaru was right and Myoga felt it would be distasteful to outwardly agree.

 _But Rin_. Her scent fluttered and Sesshomaru breathed. She sprouted from behind two twisting trees with her hands close to her chest.

"Lord Sesshomaru!" She screamed and her voice rippled through time. People weren't meant to fill voids, and that wasn't Rin's purpose. But she made him feel better for reasons he'd yet to sort through. It just felt nice to be needed.

Naraku juxtaposed to his lingering curse. Rin was the only nice current thing in his life.

Wheezing, she kneeled before him. Bringing her hands down to reveal a white flower she had picked. The gesture was so insignificant and trite, but he couldn't help but give a small smile. A small smile and a deep sigh. Because life wasn't so bad. It could be much worse.

"You said things stopped growing in the garden. You lied!" It was if she had discovered all of life's mysteries.

"I guess I did...." Was all he said.

XXX

Two women dead and Kikyou regained a rosy tint to her lips. When she consumed their spirits, she acquired their memories. She'd yet to devour a sad one, and their simple lives struck her with a mouthful of envy. She wondered how her life would've organized itself if she hadn't been a priestess. If she hadn't met Inuyasha and married a simple farm boy.... _How many kids would she have given her simple husband? How old would she have gotten?_

It didn't seem fair.

 _Why me?_ She thought sullenly as she held one more glowing life in her hands. Her soul collectors curling around her figure. Silently goading her. She hoped this spirit would be sad and angry. She hoped they lived a miserable life to ease the burns of her ego.

There was an ascending clamor of unhappy men. They beat through the trees and hacked through the bushes, but Kikyou hesitated.

They swore into the darkness with torches that burned her security.

**"Witch!"**

**"Demon!"**

And her bones stiffened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I'm finally getting somewhere with the plot. I'm self conscious about the pacing of my story telling. I want it to be long winded but straight to the point. I won't longer chapters but sometimes my writing muse just wants me to stop. Anyhoot, thank you for reading! This has been really cathartic for me.


	4. Open Wounds

"Inuyasha?"

"What?" He blinked away his sleep.

"Are you scared of dying?" Kagome hugged her knees. The moonlight sprinkled itself between the leaves; painting silver veins onto the ground. Forming constellations along her pale knuckles and down her scabbed up legs.

"What kinda question is that?" _There she went again_. Skipping off into the abyss of her needle like daydreams. Inuyasha hoped she wouldn't get too lost this time. He hated having to reach out to find her.

"I don't know. I just think about things - **_it_** a lot." She couldn't imagine living five lifetimes.

"Not really." But that was because his mind was always preoccupied with some kind of disaster.

Crickets filled their empty silence.

Inuyasha battled with dust in his eyes.

Kagome bit down on her bottom lip.

Her teeth tearing at her skin and Inuyasha smelled the blood before she tasted it. He resisted the need to scold her but his weight against sleep surpassed all his tiny desires.

"When you were pinned against the tree, was it kinda like being dead?"

"Maybe."

"Did you dream at all?"

"Kagome...."

"Well did you?"

"No."

For some odd reason, she thought of Kikyou and just how scared she might've been. And how miserable she must be now. But why was she feeling sorry for the very woman that wanted to change Inuyasha?

 _Kikyou deserved misery_. She thought bitterly.

_Kikyou didn't deserve to enjoy only the parts she liked about Inuyasha._

But what on Earth made Kagome special enough to deserve him either?

Perhaps no one deserved Inuyasha. There wasn't a single soul that could pull a blanket over all of his heartbreaks. Nobody could love him the right way. That's what made him special. No one could breathe him in. No one could fully digest his claws and sadness.

"Go to sleep, Kagome."

XXX

Healing was a process. First, it starts with a hot pain that trickles down the spine and paralyzes the gentlest sensations. An embrace felt like an anchor tugging her down to the bottom of the ocean. A squeeze on the shoulder reminded her of being attacked and bitten and stabbed and murdered.

Second, when all the terror drained itself through her tears, it left her with panging apathy. Not quite a numbness, but a genuine lack of finding gorgeous things endearing. She couldn't remember names. She wouldn't look anyone directly in the eye. It was like a thousand fists beating against her body, but she couldn't feel a damn thing.

Third and lastly, she was hit with the sudden realization that things just happen. No one is ever truly in control of their own fate. She was a standing testament to that. She wasn't even allowed to stay dead and properly enjoy hell.

Cynicism. That's what all of Kikyou's suffering had amounted to.

Bone chilling cynicism.

She was a spectacle. A stake that pinpointed the heart of the village. She hung like an infidel that had disobeyed a god. They swarmed her like wasps and hung low under the black sky. They anticipated burning her alive and that's what inspired her red simper.

Not even hell could keep her beneath its sea of fire.

**_"Demon..."_ **

Demon. Maybe that's what she was. A morose demon that drank the souls of virgins.

The crowd broke like sprawled fingers as their priestess stepped from behind their torches. She was a young, tall, and lanky beauty. Her dark her fell like a river around her pointed features, and her eyes were wide with an odd glee. Remorseless and somewhat anxious.

"Am I not worthy of purification?" Kikyou chided, finding comfort in the dream of being murdered twice.

Their priestess stepped forward. Her black beads swaying at her bosom. Her smile growing wider and the soulless linger in her eyes alarmed Kikyou. It then made sense, that the villagers were nothing but a flock of anxious wasps;their stingers drenched in evil duplicity.

Her eyes narrowed as she reflected the haunting gaze of the nameless priestess. Her hands twitched in the binds. Her back stiffened against the wood.

"Do you think you're worthy of purification?" The priestess canted her head. Her neck cracked and her teeth glistened. She brought her hands to Kikyou's face and her cheeks. Her palms were a wasteland of ice.

"Two wrongs don't make a right." Kikyou spat under her breath as death leaned against her and whispered in her ear.

"You would know all about that, Kikyou." Death's voice untangled itself from a soft hum and dipped into the vibrations within a dead body. Naraku's voice toppled snow from their shared mountain of sorrow.

Her gut feeling was a conflicted dance between relief and disgust.

"You'll get to watch them all die first." His voice tumbled from pouty lips that did not belong to him. And a hate that could rival love blossomed in her stomach. She pressed her lips in a hard line because he wanted a reaction. He searched behind long lashes and a glassy film. Tears formed in the corners of the priestess's eyes and as his voice ran like a river, the poor girl's throat rattled in pain. The lump in her throat viciously slid up and down.

Naraku liked to covet things that didn't belong to him, and Kikyou hated herself for understanding, _empathizing_ with his many intricacies.

"You're going to sacrifice an entire village for a feeling that doesn't exist? Like a child who breaks things when he doesn't get his way?" Kiykou's skin crawled.

"Lady Asuka!?" The villagers leaned in and their wings hummed.

"I know you better than you think I do, Kikyou. Feign denial all you want!" And he was right. They both understood the makings of their patchwork.

"You can't kill me because you don't want to and that's a bigger shame..." They both understood heartbreak, death, and loss. As Asuka's skinned pulled apart, as her spine snapped, and her back split in half releasing a thunderstorm of demons...Kikyou could still salvage the human parts of Naraku. Because she understood the pain of residing in limbo. She understood his distorted perception of love and his disappointment.

Naraku couldn't kill her because the most solid part of him still lived in that cave. Dying. Wrapped in soiled bandages. Reeking of piss, shit, and blood....

It was incredible to watch two voices rip from the one mouth. It was overwhelmingly sad to watch teeth, wings, and claws tear at innocent bodies. Naraku's hoard of demon's chewed through those people like a confined rat chewed through bones. There was no end to the flesh as it matched the dirt under the rain of blood. The humidity licked up the smell of death and dispersed into the breeze.

The fingers of children were planted like seeds and Asuka's body was no longer recognizable at Kikyou's feet.

The rank of piss and blood burned her nostrils.

And she was right, Naraku didn't end her for the second time.

But he broke her heart for the third.

She shook violently as his flock sucked into a tail of wind carried by Kagura, who looked down at her as if she were a struck dog.

Just like that, as if time had never stopped, the sky was clear. There wasn't a mist of blood to squint through. Kagura vanished with Naraku's waif, seemingly tugging the full moon back into place after correcting the stars with her bare hands.

Kikyou couldn't help but dismiss herself as the harbinger of misery. She brought suffering no matter where she went. If it wasn't the suffering of other people, it was the suffering of her absent tears.

So she stood tied up under the night sky. Trembling for the first time in what felt like centuries. Inhaling body fluids that melted into a potency unrecognizable and putrid. She became a headstone for the limbs that didn't belong to anyone.

Her soul collectors slithered from under her feet. Sniffing among the red grass.

And that moved her into unsteady cries that could not birth tears.

XXX

Sesshomaru thought of a million different ways in which things could be worse off. He counted all the bad possibilities and discovered that the pros outweighed the cons. He still had his pride neatly intact. He had more than a lifetime to collect all the answers to questions that life had laid out of him. And he was still strong. The strongest and that wasn't up for debate.

"You're looking a bit haggard as of late, Sesshomaru..." Toran coughed across from him. Her folded arms caught the rays of sunlight and it looked as if she were cradling an armful of flames. Her armor glittered and reflected the early morning up her cheek bones.

Sesshomaru didn't reply. He simply stared down into his palm. Scowling slightly as he organized his thoughts. The _what ifs_ were louder than the _you shoulds_.

Toran chose to conceded with his silence, but cleared her throat after casting a sweeping gander. Shifting her posture, she inhaled, exhaled before beating a fist into the table.

He cut his gaze onto her and she returned a glower.

"You know why I'm here." She bit. _Of course he knew_. At least he suspected.

"It's Naraku." She piped and that prompted his full attention. He sat up straight and looked directly at her. A brow arched and three twitches of his ears.

 _That wasn't what he had suspected_.


	5. Compassion and Fear

Naraku's miasma swelled in tiny pockets. Sometimes thicker than the haze before it.

"I think it's deliberate." Toran glared down a cliff. The wind rolled east and licked up her locks. Her skin soaked in the sun and Sesshomaru noted a deadly sparkle in her eyes.

The dark fog, in some areas, stretched on for days.

"I wouldn't expect anything less from him." Sesshomaru finally spoke. His eyes grazing above the dying canopies as he took a deep breath. A part of him wanted to believe it was a bold challenge, but his older and much wiser voice suggested that Naraku wasn't a complete fool. It wasn't beneath the half demon to cruelly taunt him and insult the west, but at the same time it wouldn't be _that easy_. Naraku wasn't a simple concept readily available for dissecting.

Toran turned to look at Sesshomaru. Running her fingers through her windswept hair.

"Who would've thought...." An empty laugh escaped her. She looked at him as if she were searching for her own answers inside of him.

"....That I'd be helping you of all people."

Sesshomaru didn't flinch away from her sentiments. His vision hooked and sunk with Toran at the horizon. The past was in the past. He was too old for grudges or maybe Rin had a lot to do with his new found patience. It was his newly acquired virtue, and he couldn't decide if he liked it.

"We owe it to you."

"You don't owe me anything." It didn't hurt too much to reciprocate her kindness, but the wind swallowed up his words as Toran looked around him. His eyes followed hers.

Karan sprinted up the path towards them. Her mouth opening and the wind continuously stealing her voice. Feet sliding into the dirt, she messily halted next to Sesshomaru. But in her wake, she carried a rancid smell. It clung to her skin and poisoned the beads of sweat that rolled down her temples.

Sesshomaru's nostrils flared and Toran recoiled with disturbed worry.

"Karan?" Toran's voice was low.

The wind whistled and rolled over the jagged cliff.

"Something awful..." Karan gasped.

There was a river not too far below them and flowers grew along its sides. A cave deep within the dirt echoed and moaned half a mile under them. And somewhere on the other side of the mountain an abandoned shrine that belonged to no god.

Karan brought her hands to the sides of her face. A ghost had wrapped itself around her neck as she trembled.

"This entire village. All of them are dead."

And the statement was insignificant to Sesshomaru. It was fairly normal for villages to be pillaged. So he huffed and silently dismissed the complete and utter horror that robbed her body. Toran seemed equally confused but brushed past Sesshomaru to console her sister.

Karan's heart violently thumped. He sensed her horror, but still looked off into the sky.

"And such a thing has moved you? As if you haven't dug your nails into the eyes of a man twice your size??" Toran placed a palm on Karan's forehead. Gently brushing back the soaked strands that curled around her fingers.

"No. No. This was different. It was too complicated to simply be a misfortune." Karan's mind tried to tear apart and make sense of the licked clean bones. The teeth scattered about like snow. The ground decorated in sun dried blood. It was dirtier than any battlefield. And the sadness that lingered above their cracked skulls was tangible. It was as though a ghost held it's cold hands around her throat.

"It wasn't normal. Kind of like...a warning?" She trailed off as her eyes fell to Toran's feet.

"It was meant to be seen."

There was a heavy pause between the three of them. Sesshomaru remained skeptical. Toran, although hesitant, sided with her sister.

"I know bad luck when I see it but **this** was beyond a cloudy day...It's worth concern."

Toran's slinked her attention towards Sesshomaru; who stared off into the blue horizon. Where his thoughts hid in the clouds.

"Well?" She said pointedly.

"I suppose...." He responded dryly.

XXX

_"So you finally came to see him..."_

_Even in somberness, Izayoi still managed to gently carry her shadow. She spoke as if she had swallowed a blade, but her head never hung low. When her eyes met Sesshomaru's, her lashes did not flutter in fear. And sometimes he thought that maybe he'd been a little transparent. But he soon realized she was just good at pretending to be confident. Her looks only aided that large aspect of her. Izayoi's head was empty, like most of the pretty women he had encountered; her eyes were only mirrors and her heart just so happened to be full._

_He couldn't help but swallow hard at the thought of his father being shallow._

_Sesshomaru remained silent as he watched Inuyasha cut through the valley with his hands held out. His tiny claws could rip through the clouds. Sesshomaru thought about breaking his neck. Dipping his hands into his tiny chest. Breaking crushing his feet, his hands, and his spirit. He fathomed his brother's small face curling up and tears filling the very eyes that matched his._

_And that's where the daydream would always stop itself. Because in Inuyasha's eyes, he would see their father's disappointment staring back at him as if he'd committed treason._

_Izayoi tugged at his sleeve. He flinched but did not recoil. The muscles in his neck flexed but she stood in her resolve like an absent minded fool. What gave her the right to assume comfort in him? He wasn't his father._

_"I forgive you. I forgive your anger."_

_"Keep your pity to yourself."_

_She was not privy to the disgrace placed on his crown. Inuyasha would not prosper as a half breed and if he did not kill him first, someone else would. With less passion, but still cruel like any other murder. As cruel as one could get while murdering a baby._

_Inuyasha frolicked in their direction. Eagerly tearing through the weeds. Leaving behind his small failure, completely oblivious to the many tribulations that waited for him in caves, shadows, and men wearing golden capes._

_He scrambled to his knees. Out of breath, but spirited enough to gaze up at Sesshomaru as if he'd met god. Inuyasha's  eyes sparkled the way monk's worshipped idols._

XXX

It reeked and shook all of his senses. It was enough for him to lose the tightness of his jaws.  Sesshomaru had seen piles of bodies, he's smelled skin on top of skin burned to dust, but he's never met a painter that mixed blood in his brushes. That used intestines as decoration.

There was no end or a beginning to most of the bodies. What stuck out to him the most was the saltiness of tears and defecation.

And Karan was right. All of it was meant to be seen and felt.

"I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Not even your father and his men." Toran hissed between her teeth as she scaled the lumps that could be dirt. That could've been a dried out organs. Vultures swarmed and picked in various spots. Their beady eyes intently watching them, contemplating a fresher meal, as they stepped deeper into the rancid graveyard.

Violence enticed Sesshomaru, but his ribcage did not house the will nor the need to _lovingly_ rip anything down to tiny shreds of nothing.

"Naraku's out done himself." Toran followed Karan and Sesshomaru allowed his mind to lead him in the opposite direction.

x

Three days had gone by, but Kikyou lost the ability to discern up from down. Wrong from right. Her body did not hurt, but the slightest twitch of her fingers echoed within her insides; akin to a scream trapped in an underwater cave. She abstained from looking up to the sun. She avoided the twinkle of the stars. Her old ways crawled like spiders up her spine as she bent her back to repent for all the bad things she'd done. Including stepping on the tiniest bug.

Where the ropes tugged at her wrist and throat, her skinned chafed. Inuyasha's many faces replayed in her conscience. But the memory that specifically forced itself to be recognized was the first time he reached to hold her hand.

"You..." Sesshomaru's voice skipped like rocks on still water.

"Poor me." She responded. Dead pan.

He made a noise in the back of his throat. Barely a groan. Hardly a sigh. The distance between them heavier than the smell that kissed at their skin.

"Well this is quite untimely. Kikyou right? That's what they used to call you?" He never cared enough to properly digest the stories that surrounded her.

"Your patronization is quite untimely." But she accepted it because she believed she was deserving of it.

He stepped towards the stake and reached around Kikyou to relieve her of the ropes. Hovering above her head, he caught whiff of the stink trapped in her hair. As he pulled back, his wrist brushed against her cheek and he was startled by how cold she'd been.

She stood under him silent. Her eyes were darker than the last time he looked into her face. Kikyou kept her eyes ahead of her, but she could feel the army of questions blossoming in his mind. And she had no answers other than what had happened was her fault. She killed families by simply existing and ate the souls of their daughters. She filled her gut with girls younger than thirteen.

"Did you see it all?" He finally asked.

"I saw enough." At some point, she had closed her eyes because the screams of confused children were louder than her guilt.

XXX

_"Why are you so cold?" His mother whistled into her knuckles. Her bangs caught in her lashes as she blinked innocently. She ran her fingers through Sesshomaru's hair, her fingers stopped at his ear lobe. And she gently pulled._

_"You didn't get it from me. Nor your father...."_

_At an early age, Sesshomaru realized he wasn't anything like either of his parents. There was no particular reason why. Maybe he was born under a bad moon and the stars weren't properly aligned. Sesshomaru glared down the bridge of his nose, into his palm as he crushed a moth._

_"You sulk like some ugly girl has broken your heart..."_

_"I don't sulk."_

_"Then what has cursed my only son with such bitterness?"_

_"Maybe **this** is just who I am..."_

_"Are you mad at your father?"_

_In many small ways he was, but that wasn't the cause of his perpetual silence. Very few inspired him, and the older be became, the more he realized that his father wasn't absolved of flaws. His mother was deeply flawed, crass, and petty. And her absence was why she couldn't wrap her hands around his throat. She came and went whenever she wanted. Breaking this and that on her way in and out. She held no power over him and that drove her insane._

_"And what gives you the right to inquire about my father....?"_

_"Is it about that human he's been lying with?"_

_He sat up from her arms and looked slighted. Sharply insulted and pulled away from her. The same way she withdrew from his fingers as a boy._

_"How is that any of your business?" And he'd only thought it was a secret amongst him and a few servants._

_"The wind talks, Sesshomaru. And if you listen close enough you might find all the answers you're searching for. I hear she's beautiful."_

XXX

"If I haven't made myself clear, Lord Sesshomaru...you have our alliance." Toran stood in the mouth of his home. Where the bricks broke off into the dirt. Her arms looped in Karan's, who then nodded at her statement.

"The west is our home too." And her words solidified a proper ending to their story.

Sesshomaru would never admit it so freely, but he found comfort in the idea of their trust. But the Panther Tribe was a small victory. One battle that couldn't make up for fifty more and a complete war.

 _"Why are you so cold?"_ His mother whined in his head.

He thought to turn off and submerge himself into the ambience of his father's ruins, but his legs stood firm like pillars. The sisters lingered with him in time, and eventually he parted his lips. Turning his eyes the other way. Thinking about a time before Rin and Izayoi; where he didn't have to answer to anyone. When cutting a man in half was his only means of communication.

"I appreciate being in your favor." In his mind it seemed much **much** harder to say, but it really wasn't all that bad.

He watched the sisters leave until he could no longer see their bodies. Until he could no longer smell their difference. As he watched the forest, the world outside his tragedy, devour them into the lulling future, he recounted the last good conversation he had with his father.

 _"A good leader knows compassion."_ Inu no Taisho had said to him, and Sesshomaru vividly remembered the hotness that burned his cheeks. He fought back spitting 'fool' in his father's face. There was a decapitated head in his father's hands. Blood poured from the lowly demon's neck and the viscera hung like ribbons.

And Sesshomaru looked at him with a disbelief that could crumble mountains. Fear and compassion were ill fated lovers.

Fear earned his father respect and enemies. Compassion tarnished his name and got him killed by his enemies. And the incongruity of such a miserable relationship between the two forces baffled him well into his age of wisdom. Which exactly was he supposed to be? Compassionate or terrifying?

Neither seemed palatable.

x

Kikyou emptied the bucket of water onto her head with her legs crossed. Her lips sealed like thread and needles. If she said **_anything_** , she was bound to break into a pieces. Her gratitude to Sesshomaru was an empty eyed stare as she withheld more secrets than she could carry.

The shadows curled like smoke as the breeze wrapped itself around the dead trees. She wondered if that's how pitiful she looked to Sesshomaru or anyone who could see clean through her. She remembered how Inuyasha recoiled under the tree when she kissed him. And how his lips were warm and she could draw all of its likeness to many beautiful things. Hot tea that rolled down her throat. The sun on her chest as she watched the sky. Inuyasha beneath her and between her legs.

Being alive.

She quickly noticed a small figure in the darkness. Watching her carefully. Somewhat curiously, but the presence didn't warrant fear. Kikyou shifted on her knees and balanced her weight. Brushing her bangs from her eyes so she could get a better look.

Rin revealed herself under the moon. Her fingers tangled together at her chest. Neither said a word, but there was a mutual understanding. Silent and grateful in understood loneliness. Rin drew nearer and Kikyou waited. When Rin became close enough for Kikyou to smell her freshness, her innocence, Rin reached out with both hands for her face.

 _Warm fingers. Being alive. What a privilege._ She absently thought.

Instinctually, Kikyou wrapped her arms around Rin's small frame. Bringing her into the tightest hug, and Rin reciprocated as if she knew all along that Kikyou's sadness was infinite. It didn't matter to Rin if Kikyou was soaked down to her bones, and it didn't matter to Kikyou that Rin's gesture was purely born out of childish curiosity. She sobbed in Rin's hair and the harder she wept, the tighter her arms became. Rin's warmth was next to the sun and those few happy memories she had with Kaede.

"Can I comb your hair?" Rin whispered against her cheek.

"Of course. Of course... _Of course_..." It would be the kindest thing anyone had done for her in decades.


	6. Toppled Kingdoms

_"Kikyou, you are a human. With eyes meant to see things– people for the way they truly are. Paper thin so that you can feel all things meant to be felt. And any man threatened by your mortality is unworthy of the words you spit between your teeth...."_

XXX

X

Old water. Damp linen and dirt. Her eyes fluttered open as her fingers slipped away a tangled strand of hair. A knotty braid wrapped around her neck. And the night before slowly rocked its way into her glassy awareness. Her eyes burned as if she had cried in her dreams. The aftermath, a wasteland at her cheeks, the corners of her eyes gritty. Her throat itched as though she had slept with her mouth wide open

For a moment, she could not make of her surroundings, but as she rose, balancing her body on her elbows– the birds screamed and the realization of yesterday soured her mood. In the corner of the room, her old clothes strung high. And they still smelled of morning dew.

For a castle, it lacked supposed regal charm. The walls looked tired of secrets. As she stood, the balls of her feet echoed beneath the floors. Above, she could hear the tiny scramble of bird feet. Nobody lived here but Sesshomaru. She wondered if his seeming isolation had been intentional. If that were the case, she couldn't blame him. Lord Sesshomaru's home was a looming metaphor. Empty, quiet, old, and the structure beaten by well kept secrets. A metaphor for herself.

She slid open the door that lead outside onto the terrace. Even though it was spring, the walls concealed a supernal coldness. Familiar to her, but it wasn't necessarily a good familiarity. With the taste of morning fat on her tongue, she wandered down the gallery. Gazing at the overgrown grass, weeds that twisted inside the stone wall. The sunlight peering between the cracks of the rooftop. The rustle of feathers, and stray feathers that fluttered down gaping holes.

X

People had a tendency to project their own insecurities within Sesshomaru's silence. His peers always expected an immediate answer, but he wasn't anything like his father and how they wished he reflected such charm. Unlike his father, Sesshomaru didn't compromise for the sake of other people's comfort. He wasn't in the business of coddling grown men. And he wasn't going to rectify the stung ego's of supposed great leaders.

Gorou, a big boned bear demon, dug his claws into the table. The tea cups lightly shaking and spilling over under his teeming fury. They both were sons of former friends, but during their childhood, they were never fond of each other. And Sesshomaru vividly remembers Gorou's father, Onikuma, spitting at his feet the day after Inu No Taisho died. Sesshomaru dangerously ventured in his mind; how he was told that his father's life was unworthy of a ceremonial celebration. How stupid dog demon's truly were, and how he should lay six feet under with his father and lick at his bones.

_"Lie with dogs and you will get up with flees."_

It was quite the realization _then_ , but now that he was much older, he wondered why the statement ever surprised him. Gorou was lucky that Sesshomaru did not possess the animosity he had in his youth, but he was a fool to believe the years had softened his unwillingness to give up his lands.

"At this point, Sesshomaru, we are all beginning to question the nature of your loyalty," Gorou's eyes resembled a man who lacked work ethic. His lilt echoed the kind of confidence that only gold could buy. The blood and skin under his claws, the byproduct of rape and jealousy.

Sesshomaru had half a mind to spit back _'well clearly you don't know the weight of what you're asking for.'_

"I simply see no good reason to give you what is mine for nothing," Sesshomaru said dully.

"You won't get nothing in return," Gorou persisted with venom, "You would be compensated with a position in our house. You're still a _sufficient_ general. Even while being crippled." _Like a good loyal dog_.

"I'm not too keen on the idea of taking orders from men. So my answer is **no** today. It will be **no** tomorrow and **no** until I die..." And with that being said, Gorou lifted himself to his feet. Wheezing like a dragon. He drew his sword and looked onto Sesshomaru with prideful glee.

"Then die!" He spat foolishly and Sesshomaru felt terribly bad for his mistake. Gorou lunged at him, but Sesshomaru saw the beginning to the end glistening down his sword. Gorou had poor timing, poor tact, and poor stance.

 _Sufficient general...._ Sesshomaru thought incredulously.

Sesshomaru whipped his sword deep in Gorou's gut before he reached the opposite side of the table. He dug the blade in and out until he sliced the bear's stomach open. Blood poured out of him like tea kettle and splattered down Sesshomaru's leg. Into the tea cups, athwart the table. Gorou's huge body went limp and he spilled to the side. Blood ran like a river into the terrace. Jaken scurried from the other side of the door and screamed ' **Why** '.

And that angered Sesshomaru more than the blatant disrespect Gorou brought into his home.

Blood curled itself around Kikyou's toes and she revealed herself. With an glare of indifferent disgust, she beamed down at Gorou pitifully. Thinking she could no longer stand the smell of blood. Otherwise, she wasn't moved.

"Forgive me, Lord Sesshomaru, for speaking out of turn but..." Jaken paced around the corpse and Sesshomaru grunted.

"BUT I don't think we... _I mean_ **you** can afford the blood of a dead lord next to your name." _Among other petty things._

Sesshomaru did not acknowledge Kikyou nor Jaken. He gritted his teeth as he stared into Gorou's dead eyes. Smelling the life that slowly broke down inside of him. Faintly hearing Jaken, but not entirely listening.

"That being said. He did, in fact, have it coming...." Jaken trailed into a silence, his eyes wandering onto Kikyou. His face immediately wrinkling with distaste.

Sesshomaru muddled on his thoughts for a while. Shifting his posture straight and whipping the blood off his sword. Specks of red splattering and staining the rice paper panels. Putting it back in place at his hips, he unsheathed Tenseiga. Contemplating all the consequences of dragging Gorou's body out into the mountains and leaving his innards wide open for the birds. He ** _could_** deliver his head to his father and start an upheaval among his old peers.

But Sesshomaru rarely acted on his emotions. He knew better than that.

He stomached all the wrong things, and suppressed them with tight lips.

He took Tenseiga and retraced the deep cut in Gorou's gut. Jaken internally whispered a prayer. Kikyou held her breath as Sesshomaru turned to look at her. Several moments went by before Gorou took a dry gasp of air. A husky growl built up in his chest as she stood from his puddle of blood. He scratched at his own face and looked around in complete horror until his eyes met Kikyou's. He then released an uneven laugh.

"I finally understand now," He dangerously pointed a claw at an unfazed Sesshomaru, "I was the only one that didn't think you were a complete fool. Stubborn, but not a fool. Now I see that you've inherited a curse."

Sesshomaru said nothing.

Gorou left hastily. Storming past Jaken.

And Sesshomaru found himself thinking about Rin's safety.

"You have quite the burden on your hands, Lord Sesshomaru," Kikyou interjected. Her eyes scaling the blood soaked floor.

Sesshomaru strode towards her, his hand squeezing the hilt of Tenseiga and stopped at her side. He lingered for a moment. Collecting his coldness. Neatly packaging his rage back inside of him. He stared off behind her and licked his fangs before he spoke. The way his jaws flexed reminded her of Inuyasha.

"There are things we need to discuss," He said before starting down the terrace and she was prompted to follow him.

X

_"Sister, what do you see in that demon?" Kaede sauntered behind her with an armful of firewood. The sun peeked around the tree tops, casting rays of orange outward into the field. The village rooftops cutting out of the sunlight a black silhouette._

_"What do you mean?" Kikyou muttered. Her eyes searching through the bright light for a waiting Inuyasha, but it wasn't obvious to Kaede. She was too young to understand the look of a woman far too steeped in love._

_"Aren't demons bad?"_

_"Yes. All of them are bad."_

_"Then what makes him so special? I don't like him."_

_What made Inuyasha so special? How easily he snaped under her fingers. Only half of him was bad, and he didn't want that half anymore._

_"Well Kaede, he doesn't want to be bad anymore. And he won't be bad forever..."_

Kikyou strongly believed that karma had carved out her current situation. But were her beliefs and convictions really all that bad?

"What happened?" Sesshomaru stood three feet away from Kikyou.

"People died," She retorted.

"Why?"

"Because that's what humans do. They die."

Sesshomaru narrowed his eyes and cast a glower up and down her fragile frame. The corner of his lips dipped slightly, "I know that's what they do. It's what they are best at."

Kikyou's frigidness did not falter. He could tell that she placed herself as his equal. Even though she wasn't. Much like Rin, who wasn't scared of him.

"Your neutrality assists the culprit," Sesshomaru said pointedly.

"Pray tell..." Kiykou shrugged.

"What's so special about you, Kikyou? Just what? Because all I see is a miserable carcass. Powdered to smell nice _enough_ ," His flatness made her skin crawl.

"Then what does that make you, Sesshomaru? You're practically without a title and those that show you respect seem to only feel like they are in debt to you....and that's not many."

His castle had decayed in some parts, and most of the area was uninhabitable due to years of neglect.

"From what it looks like. And it looks like an awful lot....." She gestured outward. Her braid falling under her arms and her white kimono loosely hung open at her chest, "You're just as miserable as me and misery loves company. There's no need to cast any stones."

"If you're not going to assist me in Naraku's whereabouts...."

"I don't know where he went. North probably."

"And what significance do you have to him?"

She seemed to freeze in time. Her stare became large, her mouth agape as she lost a witty rebuttal. She folded her arms and hung her head low.

"That's the hardest question I've ever been asked," She said aloud, but it was more so an outward thought. Kikyou stared down at her blood covered toes, digging them into the dirt.

"I don't really think it's any of your business. But he cannot get rid of me. That's only thing he cannot get away with and it drives him mad," Any other woman, under many different attractive circumstances, would gloat over having that kind of power over a man. On Kikyou's dark end of the spectrum, it was tiresome and physically sickening.

Sesshomaru gathered a rather broad idea of what it could be, and it inspired a frown, "Typical."

"I don't think you're in any shape to be judgmental, _O' Mighty Great Lord Sesshomaru_ ," The wind kicked up rocks, rustled the trees, and swept over them. A leaf riding the breeze caught at the end of her bangs, and she made no strives to remove it. As an act of protest. She glowered at Sesshomaru thinking _'why am I here. I have better things I could be doing'_. But there really wasn't much else to do. She was an anomaly pretending to have the human experience. There was no normalcy in throwing up spiders and perpetual coldness. Kikyou cringed as she remembered waking up from death and spitting up bugs for weeks.

"Can I ask you an invasive question?" She asked him as he proceeded to walk away.

"No."

"Why do you hold on to this place if it serves for no purpose other than to bring you grief?"

"I think you know the answer to that already,"  And he wasn't going to give her the pleasure of hearing him say it. She wasn't worthy of that. Nobody was worthy of that kind of honesty from him. Not even his mother.

He left her under the stretch of tree limbs that hung over the wall. Not caring if she stayed or went with the wind. His mind traveled down rivers of multiple futures. Gorou came and got what he wanted out of him. A reaction of any kind and he wasn't going to go much longer without hearing from _somebody_. But he wasn't scared. He knew deep down in his heart of hearts that he was smarter than his mother and father combined. He just knew it. It couldn't be any other way.

Sesshomaru had never been so sure in his life.

XXX

_"If you wanted your brother dead, you would've done it by now. If anyone wanted us dead, we would be dead," Izayoi weakly smiled down at her palms. A light cut lived at her wrist, but her hands were like the inside of a flower. Untouched. Unmarred. Soft._

_"I think we are alive because of you, Sesshomaru."_

_He never liked how casually she said his name._

_"You look so much like your father. It's like staring at a ghost...."_


	7. Authenticity

_"How did she die?"_

_Inuyasha dug his fangs inside the dead rabbit. Ripping and chewing at its throat. The head twisted backwards and the ears snapped._

_"How did she die, Inuyasha?" Sesshomaru asked him for the fourth time and again, Inuyasha mindlessly gnawed away at the rabbit's toes. Smelling of rancid squalor._

_He swallowed a growl. Deeply inhaling before snatching the boy up by his roots. Scratching his nails hard enough along Inuyasha's scalp, that he began to bleed. His other hand tore the rabbit from Inuyasha's mouth and he tossed it into the bushes. For seven years, he had scourged the north, the south, and the east for his half brother. Inuyasha had vanished with the mystery of Izayoi, and her family denied their existence. Even when he persisted with honest threats._

_Blood trickled down the bridge of Inuyasha's small nose. Fear built up inside of him and tangled itself with hatred. Sesshomaru could smell it in his tears. Inuyasha gritted his teeth and belched an unsteady scream._

_"How did she die?"_

_And for the fifth time, Sesshomaru found himself choking on his own disappointment. He really tried to do his father one last favor, but Izayoi was always quick in her whims and flighty. Now there was no one left who loved his father the way he did. Sesshomaru was alone. Despite how ridiculous the feeling was to him, it was the purest form of loneliness._

_But it wasn't Inuyasha's fault, who exploded into violent tears and began to claw at Sesshomaru's armor. The screeching of his nails against metal in harmony with his angry outburst, "It wasn't her fault..!"_

XXX

Sesshomaru left a sour after taste in her mouth. Kikyou recounted the many conversations she had about his so called ambiguous nature with Inuyasha, but she saw clean through him. Sesshomaru wasn't a riddle carved into a mountain and his ambiguity wasn't wondrous like the rare island that remained hidden in the mist. She figured small bits about him because she saw parts of herself in him. And in a funny way that caused her to wrinkle her nose; his melancholy matched hers.

It didn't matter how much he disliked Inuyasha. Their eyes reflected the same sorrow.

_"How did your mother die?"_

_"She was raped and beaten to death."_

_Kikyou was ashamed for even asking, but she desperately searched for something human inside of him. She felt even more pathetic for not following it up with an 'I'm sorry.'_

Inuyasha's suffering couldn't be healed. Maybe that was her biggest mistake. Trying to fix and cure the illness that had swollen his heart, but that was the curse of all priestesses. And priestesses weren't simply made. They were born.

 _Priestess_. She hardly felt worthy of the title. It ceased to carry any weight.

"Lady Kikyou," Rin peeped from the opposite side of door. Kikyou hurriedly adjusted her hakama. Her fingers unraveling the messy braid as she moved to slide open the door.

"Master Jaken told me you were leaving. So soon?" She glared up at her– eyes reminding Kiykou of the ocean.

"Well I don't have any business here," Kikyou mustered some sweetness in her voice.

Rin had no rebuttal.

Her shoulders fell with her head and her lids became heavy.

Kikyou fought the urge to reach down and touch her with dirtied hands.

"You don't have to say bye," Kikyou weakly smiled. She never said bye to Inuyasha and the future eventually unfolded itself. Not neatly, but it very well unraveled.

"Farewells are almost always finite."

Rin nodded like she understood perfectly well, and perhaps she did. Kikyou didn't know her story.

"Promises aren't though," Rin whispered loudly.

"Then don't make promises. Especially ones you know good and well that you can't keep."

Rin admired the way Kikyou's hair fell around her pretty face. Smiling brightly. Nodding five more times.

"Understood?" Kikyou urged her.

"I understand."

X

And Kikyou didn't look back. She stood at the first step, looking straight ahead into the forest. The wind combed through the trees and she smiled to herself. Her only regret was not taking Rin with her, because if she knew one thing about demons, it was that they had a knack for leaving humans broken. Even when they didn't mean to. Even when they swore upon their affections.

Kikyou escaped into the sunset with the uncertainty of her circumstances nesting in her chest.

XXX

Hidden in the weakest corner, where the stones had become tangled up in the roots, there was a small patch of green. White flowers had stretched up into the broken wood panels, weaving in and out of holes. Sesshomaru took his hand and peeled back the vines. Flakes of dust and dirt crumbling downward as he investigated the peculiar phenomena. After his father's death, it was as though everything else had died here with him. His council, friends, and comrades scattered like spiders under candle light. Pouring out with their gold and stolen heirlooms. Even the ghosts hidden under fixtures looted the castle of its colors.

He was underwhelmed with their presence. They seemed to grow out of spite, and as he gathered one in his hand, poison seeped from his finger tips. Eroding away its life. The petals melted into wax that spilled hotly between his fingers. Dripping into the soil, burning holes in the ground.

In the far distance, his attention caught the thumps of feet against the surface. Hundreds of feet banging against the ground. _What sounded like an army_. His body froze and eyes wandered up into the full moon.

He waited until it would pass, but it became more prevalent and harder to ignore. And then he knew the storm was headed in his direction when the thunder did not fade. Sesshomaru tore himself from the wall of white flowers. Sprinting towards the wide open gates of his home. The closer they became, more violent the ground shook. Trees were cracked and split in their wake and Sesshomaru waited in the mouth of his father's pride. Without either of his swords. Rin's name lodged in his throat as his eyes fell upon Gorou as he straddled the back of a black bear. Hundreds of them crawled at his side, carrying the rest of his clan. Their spears glistening as they rocked in the air, slicing through the wind.

"You've exhausted all other options, Sesshomaru!" Gorou wheezed as  his men ripped past him. Pouring inside and around the castle. Digging their weapons into the walls and setting fire to the wood.

Sesshomaru remained planted in the eye of the storm. Fingers curling into a fist. The smoke wrapping itself around his feet, neck, and shoulders. And he was mad at himself for not realizing just how dire the situation had been earlier. He saw it coming, but not that soon. Rin screamed behind him and he twitched, turning to tear through the ocean of claws and iron. But Gorou, with unfamiliar strength lunged himself before Sesshomaru. His spear catching the hem of Sesshomaru's sleeve.

Fear tasted like metal. Spreading itself down the back of his tongue. Dripped down his throat.

But Sesshomaru didn't fear for his life nor the collapsing walls. He was scared for Rin, Jaken, and even A-un. The instant fear of being a disappointment crumbled his ability to discern his left from his right. The panging fear of being forgotten and not having a single person to salvage the slightest memory of him. He saw their bodies peppered and charred amongst the fire in his mind as he dodged a second powerful attack from Gorou.

 _And they were all right about him_. Even his mother. The moment he started to care was the moment he gained infinite weakness.

Sesshomaru was powerful, but just like any living thing, he had a limit. He couldn't stave off all 200 of them. Especially not while he was high off of petty sentiments. He'd cut through 20 men and 50 more would crawl like roaches. And Gorou's strength was so strange and farfetched, that he suspected foul play.

He looked over head, squinting into the thick smoke that rolled up into the sky. For a fleeting second, he saw Kagura zip through the flames. Then it all perfectly fell into place and then he felt steel tearing into his side. Three blades at time. But the pain was accompanied with an unnatural burning sensation. His skin sizzled at the open wounds and his body crashed into the surface. Crashing at the feet of Gorou and nameless warriors.

_"How did she die, Inuyasha?"_

_"It wasn't my fault."_

XXX

Kikyou could slowly feel herself deteriorating again, but she was going to see just how long she could go without feeding her curse. For the 100th time. She was going to battle her hunger. She swatted away at her silver serpents. Huffing heavily as her bones cracked.

_"Can I open my eyes now," She squeezed Inuyasha's hand._

_"Only if you hold your breath."_

_Kikyou did exactly that. Opening wide and sucking in all the air her lungs would allow. And she opened her eyes, trailing them up his neck and chin and deep brown eyes. She brought her hands to his face, pinching both sides of his cheeks. Still holding her breath._

_"I told you that you'd like it."_

_Tears burned the corners of her eyes._

_"This could be real and constant."_

_"But you're already real and constant, Inuyasha."_

_She was too bitten by her convictions to intensely feel happiness._

_"But right now I'm real enough for you."_

_Kikyou was staring at a complete stranger, and after fantasizing about Inuyasha's mortality for so long, she couldn't understand why she was unable to wrap her mind around the authenticity of his human existence._

_"Kikyou, you don't look happy."_

_She didn't know what to say._

Kikyou stopped at a creek. Kneeling onto the broken rocks to stare down at her rippling reflection. A darkness lingered under her eyes and a lizard's tail destroyed the clear mirage. She sat there until she could no longer pinpoint the time of day. Picking apart her features. Running her fingers along her face. Pinching and pulling at the loose skin.

_"I am happy. Can't you see that I'm overjoyed with tears...?"_

**"Kikyou!"** The wind howled her name, but she did not look away from her reflection and the bugs that swam through her eyes.

" **Kikyou!"** The roar distorted itself into a familiar cry. Small. Vibrant. A hint of child like desperation.

There was a loud thud against the ground, but Kikyou did not budge. Tiny feet shuffled through the grass and hands grabbed at her shoulders. Kikyou jerked her head back and her she met Rin's face. Covered in dirt and what smelled like soot and ash tangled in her hair.

"Kikyou..."

Kikyou looked over her shoulder at Kagura straddling the two headed dragon and what appeared to be an unconscious Sesshomaru sprawled on its back. But something was terribly wrong. His hair resembled ink and he was bereft of his deadly glow. Blood soaked his clothes and he wheezed and moaned.

Jaken scrambled from the dragon's back, hurling obscenities at Kagura, who looked dejected and guilty. Her eyes were glassy with what Kikyou only knew as fear.

"I can't carry such a burden," Kagura's voice shook as if something bad had been replaying itself in her conscious, "I think I've done enough."

XXX


	8. Failure

Fear was swallowing a swarm of bees as they prick and hum sliding down the throat. Emptying themselves into the stomach.

Kagura's expression resembled just that. She'd consumed more bees than her gut could handle and looked as if she would hurl at any moment. She spilled Sesshomaru from her arms, with ease that surprised Kikyou. His now jet black hair messily spreading along his features as Kagura laid him on the ground. His ears did not point and his claws were simply chipped and broken nails. As a quiet witness, Kikyou allowed the moment to slice through her. Rin squeezed at her hand the same way Kaede did when their mother blew out the candles at night. And Kikyou's thoughts tumbled like a waterfall. Drowning out at the heart of the commotion. Jaken bickered at no one and Kagura wore the semblance of a woman much in love with a concept. Kikyou shuttered as she watched Kagura's hands explore Sesshomaru's wounds with passion that perplexed her.

"What happened?" Kikyou finally spoke.

"They poisoned him with their blades. Left him to die," Kagura held on to his mortality. Sad eyed.

"Kagura saved us," Rin chimed but her words were like the buzzing of gnats.

A thousand different emotions that had little to do with the present rippled inside Kikyou. So much so, that Rin's detail was an afterthought, "Interesting. How unbecoming of you. What was the price of such empathy?"

Kagura lifted her gaze from Sesshomaru. Glowering with a great hotness, "I'm fully capable of feeling empathy."

A-un curled himself around his master. Jaken wept at his side, but Rin retained enough optimism for all three of them.

"I can't stay. This all I can do to help," Kagura rose with faint terror draining her cheeks.

"At what price?" Kikyou whispered loud enough for her to hear, but Kagura simply looked at her with daftness.

"Don't worry, Master Jaken. Lord Sesshomaru is strong..." Rin stood firm in her resolve.

 _What all did this have to do with her_ –Kikyou thought cruelly. But the thought of Rin being left alone compelled her to care.

"What kind of poison?" Kikyou glared at Kagura.

"From the spiders in the cursed forest of the north. Enough of it can drain any powerful demon of their powers," Kagura adjusted her kimono.

"And how are you sure?"

"Because I was the one who retrieved it and gave it to Gorou. And I instructed them to wash their spears in the poison."

"I see. And you expect me to clean up a mess that you help make?" Kikyou's eyes narrowed and Kagura was silent for a long while.

"The spiders have an antidote, but he might not live that long," Kagura's voice cracked, "I can do no more."

She plucked a feather from her hair. Leaping off into the sky dimly lit by the sunrise.

And there Kikyou was. Once again. Tangled up in another web, but this time she didn't blindly walk through it. The wind blew it onto her, and she was starting to think that fate, destiny, and prophecy could be real things. _Maybe. Just maybe._

She watched Rin hover over Sesshomaru. Picking fingers through his glossy black hair, with an absent gaze of quiet worry. She placed her ear against his chest, that rattled when he breathed. Jaken tore away from his master and looked up at a wavering Kikyou.

_What would the old Kikyou do in such an odd situation?_

"Kikyou," Rin babbled with squished cheeks.

It was a plea for help.

And Kikyou deeply sighed.

Walking towards them with her arms across her chest. Her shadow draping Sesshomaru.

"Jaken, how far is the nearest village?"

XXX

_"You look so much like your father..." She said for the hundredth time, more than that perhaps. He'd stopped counting. Izayoi curled herself under the shade of golden trees, "Is your mother beautiful?"_

_Sesshomaru chewed the inside of his jaw. His eyes falling to the ground peppered with dead leaves._

_"I can never remember what her face looks like," It was a musing that escaped his mouth. And he didn't mean for it to sound so pitiful. He didn't mean to make a sound at all. His mother hardly came around, but that was the nature of any demon. Especially of her ilk. She could never stay put in one place simply because she lacked the desire. And with each visit, he would always discover something new about the way she looked or carried herself. Like the last time, he remembered the slight curve of her long nails when she held his hand. And that one time she smiled too bright and he noticed a chipped fang._

_"That's awfully sad," Izayoi whispered._

_He hated her sincerity. It always somehow made him feel worse._

_"I always wondered why your father chose me. I'm almost certain your mother is beautiful, powerful..." She began and he cringed, "Do you know why, Sesshomaru?"_

_And his mother also wasn't the first or the last woman. He kept that thought in the graveyard of many other bad thoughts. But after paying close attention to the way she picked at the threads of her rob, how she bit her lips out of habit, he figured out why. Izayoi wasn't the brightest star in the sky, her skin was thinner than paper, and she often rambled on about nothing._

_But she was gentle in her ignorance. Regal in her softness. Her honesty was beautiful._

_"You never asked him yourself?" And Sesshomaru would always find himself reciprocating her mindless chatter. The words shooting out of him faster than the thought's presentation._

**_That's why._ ** _He thought._

_"I've always been too scared to."_

_"That's a shame. He would've been honest."_

_"Well it's too late now. Far too late."_

XXX

Pain. That's what came to him the fastest. The strongest. And if he were delusional, he'd guess that he'd been thrown from the sky and every single bone in his body shattered as he collided with the surface. Fear sucked the air from his lungs. Uncertain fear because he could not instantly smell Rin or Jaken. He could barely smell past his upper lip and he tore himself from the mat. Shooting upwards as his eyes fell on Jaken. Who cradled a wooden bucket of what _looked_ like water. And all Sesshomaru could gather in his mind was how he couldn't hear Jaken's heartbeat, he couldn't smell the sunset, nor the critters that flourished in the spring soil.

He twisted his torso to grab for the tiny demon, but his bones cracked in ways he didn't think were possible.

"You shouldn't move so fast, my lord," Jaken shook, hobbling at his side. Drops of water splattering every which way and all Sesshomaru could think, absorb, was that he couldn't smell the ghosts that lived in the hut's wood.

"Where is Rin!?"

He'd be damned if he'd been coaxed into some foul play. So he fought the stinging of his skin as he tore the sheet off his body. Knocking over his sad green companion and ripping through the straw door. Searching for one of his many enemies, screaming off a list of men he'd love to see dead, but what he discovered was the patronizing glances of humans that did not fear his lung tearing growls. He stomped through baskets and rushed through skinned meats.

His heart thwarted as the wind licked at his reopened wounds.

"Sesshomaru..." And there weren't any vibrations. The sound of his name was flat. Naked of breath, essence, and pinpointed direction. He looked over at his side. Sweat running down his jaw line and suddenly he was hit with infinite weakness. Kikyou balanced a basket of peaches at her hips and Rin sauntered beside her. Their eyes glowing curiously.

"Sesshomaru?" Kikyou said again and it was more clear. He drug his body towards them and for the first time, Rin recoiled away. Stepping behind Kikyou.

Pain carried weariness at its tail. He'd never been so exhausted.

"You're bleeding everywhere."

And he looked down at where he'd been clutching his side. But it wasn't the blood that startled him. It was his broken claws. His nails were cracked and he could see the blue veins under his skin. A crowd formed around them. Washing in like the ocean along shore to behold what could be the beginning of a lover's quarrel or the suicide of a madman who'd just discovered that he wasn't a king.

Sesshomaru then noticed the silk strands of black that fell over his shoulders, to his complete and utter horror.

"It's exactly what it looks like," Kikyou's voice reminded him of birds chirping early in the morning, "It could be much worse. You could be dead. Be thankful."

She stepped towards him. Stopped under him as the sunset poured around his shaky silhouette.

"You're not dead."

He might as well have been.

X

Being a good woman was harder than being capricious. _Dress in white. Keep your cheeks pale and your lips tinged pink. Say little, bow your head, and allow your hair to brush past your feet._ A good woman. With hindsight, Kikyou knew she'd never been a good woman. She had never achieved perfection even though she sought for it in everyone else. She accepted broken people, but always wanted to readjust the pieces that didn't fit her concept of them. Kikyou loved potential, but not so much the current state of mind that lived in a person.

_Eat small. Be small. Even when you draw back that arrow. Look small while doing so._

The concept of **goodness** and **womanhood** hadn't crossed her mind in a long while. Mostly because it had little to do with hell, and a lot of nothing to do with being dead. It only presented itself as her small fingers grazed over Sesshomaru's wounds with a damp rag. Like a good woman, she shrunk herself under his discomfort and his anger that was unlike Inuyasha's. Sesshomaru's conniption was that of a child who'd never been struck. Jaken muttered little blessings as he rocked on his feet while Rin peeled a peach with her fingers.

Sesshomaru quietly muddled, with clenched jaws, how it all happened to him in such a short amount of time. _He'd only closed his eyes before jumping into the sea and crashed face first into the mouth of a shark._ And his wounds refused to heal. Humans were miserable but experiencing fragility was twice the misery he'd ever expected. As Kikyou's cold hands crawled along his body, he wondered 'how'. Of course, she wasn't living the human experience at the moment, but he could only think of how easy it would be to break off her fingers. His fingers too. Rin's neck, spine, and arms....

He hurt a lot. And his pain stuck out to him more than the fluttering of his heart where it had once been slow and hard. Like a war drum, but now it flittered like butterfly wings.

"Damn it," He thought loudly.

"You're not dead," Kikyou reminded him.

"I'm not," He barked back.

"You're lucky. You should count the stabs."

And he lingered on the details of his condition. He thought such a poison had only been a myth. In all of his years, he'd never encountered a full blood demon who'd been stripped of his capabilities. Sesshomaru didn't believe in miracles, but it was in fact a miracle the he survived. His mind somehow blacked out the exact moment of the vicious stabs. That didn't make up for how heavy his limbs felt. And the slightest movements inspired nausea.

Rin peeled away at her fifth peach. Sesshomaru kept his eyes on her.

"I'm heading out tomorrow," He shrugged Kikyou away.

"Alone?" She snorted.

"Yes."

"You'll die."

"It would be an honorable death."

"Sounds more like avoidable suicide."


	9. Wise Men

_Too many sunrises ago, Kikyou had wandered into the mouth of a cave. Where a supposed witch lived in its throat. The rumors surrounding the cave and its dweller were far more terrifying than the red eyes of spiders that lived in the cracks. Some blamed her for the disappearance of pretty girls. Others faulted the witch for the dying crops and gutted live stock. And there was something else she couldn't quite recall about half moons. But Kikyou could only faintly sense her powers. The aura was supernal without a doubt, but she could not taste malice. She drug her shadow over the stone by the end of her torch. Kicking rocks ahead of her. Remaining still in her blessed solace._

_What she did find was far from any witch. It wasn't an old haggard woman filled with resentment. Nary any traces of vanity and turpitude. Sprawled on top of dead bugs and rats was the body of a child with wrinkled skin. She picked away the wings of roaches and barely moved when Kikyou kicked another rock into her nest. She perched up, turning her head slightly to reveal owl like eyes. Glassy and white. Reminding Kikyou of a cloudy sky._

_"You know I'm not guilty!" The child wheezed a laugh._

_And Kikyou slightly tilted her head. Unmoved internally, but still deeply perplexed by what she'd been sent to destroy._

_"I know nothing....just what I've been told," Kikyou exhaled. Her fingers tightening around her torch._

_She blinked and suddenly the weathered child was no longer there. It was as though her presence had melted into the swaying shadows caused by the fire. Fear was no Kikyou's first inkling, but hers began to ring. Against the silence and thick atmosphere. If she had to liken the smell that burned her nostrils, she'd compare it to soiled bandages. Blood mixed with feces and tears. Her eyes scanned the darkness._

_Until cold wet hands slid around her throat. The bony fingers did not constrict her, but she completely froze under a spell. Unable to move her lips. Unable to open her mouth or blink. The child chortled at her ears. Three voices twisting from her mouth. Of a child. A woman. And something far from ethereal. Past. Present. Death._

_"Lady Kikyou," The thing began. And all though Kikyou was scared, it was simply uncertainty that emptied itself in her stomach, "Humans fear what they do not understand. What they cannot see. But I can exist in more places than one. In more times than you or any demon can fathom."_

_All Kikyou could do was listen and peer into the darkness. Her body washed in needle like chills. Still, she could not sense malice. This thing. Child. They had no intentions of hurting her. That was understood._

_And with the pregnant silence, images flashed before Kikyou's eyes. Of bandits stabbing beautiful girls between their legs and ripping them in half. Large crow demons zipping through farms and a cursed half demon stomping through the forest and eating lost children._

_"It's easier to blame ghosts and fairytales. Hearsay and what have you. But I've done no such crimes, Kikyou," It sighed painfully._

_A last vision clouded over Kikyou's wet eyes. It was of her standing in a boat. In wide open waters lit by the sunrise. Her mouth filled with blood she choked on. Her hands trembling at her throat._

_"And you will walk in three lifetimes. Each one a little bit more painful than the one before. All three of your deaths will be of suffering. Happiness will only be earned. Forever alone. In damp caves and loud mobs. You will be lonely. Kikyou."_

_And the vision faded back into the thick blackness of the cave. Her flame snuffed out. She could hear her own heart beat._

_"Kikyou, you are human. With eyes meant to see things...people for the way they truly are. Paper thin so that you can feel all things meant to be felt. And any man threatened by your mortality is unworthy of the words you spit between your teeth. But the price you pay for such mighty resilience is eternal sadness. Do not fight your melancholy. Embrace it. It's what makes you YOU. We are one in the same. Two halves of one bleak whole."_

_Kikyou chased her better mind into a direction she could only hope would be her escape. She followed the density of the laughter at her feet....._

x

x

x

She remembered eventually tasting the fresh air and _the sun_. She was only seventeen when she wandered into the cave. Often, Kikyou wondered if she would've handled the situation differently had she been much older. Would she have killed it? Sometimes, she forgot it even happened. But every now and then, it would creep up on her during pivotal moments in her life. Such as standing in a field next to A-un. Contemplating the mighty favor she was about execute. For no reason other than pity.

_Three life times worth of suffering....each death more painful than the one before..._

Was her existence solely contingent upon the happiness of others? Is that why she managed sympathy without effort? Would she end up like that poor soul? Trapped in a cave. Watching everyone else fulfill healthy lives....Was the cave only a metaphor for the vast freeness of current circumstance? All the open space up and around her, and she had nowhere to run. Nowhere to be....

A-un made a sad noise that broke her thoughts.

x

"My lord, you really shouldn't!"

Sesshomaru busied himself with fastening his robe. In a gentle manner so he wouldn't caress his wounds. Gritting his teeth, grimacing each and every time a squeal escaped Jaken.

"What if you die!"

And Sesshomaru groaned. Reminding himself that Jaken, next to his mother, loved him in a way that could only be toxic to a sane person. Reminding himself not to strike him with his foot, because that would hurt. The pain would shake and echo up from his ankle. Sesshomaru didn't want to leave Rin alone, with Jaken of all people. Even among humans, she wasn't safe. Nowhere was safe.

What was more dissatisfying? If danger did present itself, there wasn't much he could do anyway.

And his failures from two nights before reopened and bleed.

Before his thoughts tumbled further down the fires of his bad mood, he removed himself from the hut. His body aching, but he kept his face clean cut. His gaze fixated ahead.

Rin watched him leave, but little to Sesshomaru's knowledge, she was hyper aware of his design.

_"Don't make promises you can't keep."_

Kikyou sung in her head.

And Rin understood because she was not pressed for a goodbye. Nor did she long for Sesshomaru to look at her before he walked into the folds of fate. Sesshomaru didn't make promises. Sesshomaru never spoke things into existence. He didn't need to express his discomfort, his pain, and his fear.

She stood outside the hut next to a sobbing Jaken. Her lips a straight line, eyes just as focused as Sesshomaru's. Both of them silently allowing destiny, for better or worse, to fall at their feet.

 _Why was it so easy for her to see Sesshomaru for who he was, but not Jaken?_ She had yet to wrap her girlish mind around it.....

x

She wasn't too keen on the idea of a curse. And she wasn't sure if the child in the cave spoke of the future or imposed a wrath on her. Whichever it might've been, she relived the confusion she felt when she died. It crossed over with her.

"You really shouldn't, Sesshomaru. You might as well be crippled."

Even without his demon cloak, his gaze still kept its intensity. Light brown, but just as hot and terrifying. The purple streaks had left his face empty, but the moon still lingered beneath the cloud of his dark bangs.

He clenched his jaws, the muscle in his neck flexing. A thought reflected in the wetness of his eyes, but he kept it to himself. Straddling himself onto A-un, glaring down at Kikyou. Focusing on concealing the pain that screamed inside of him.

"So you expect me to wait around and die? Leave my life in your hands?" He said dryly. Grimacing slightly.

And Kikyou couldn't exactly fault him. As a matter of fact, she agreed with him. He didn't know her. She didn't know him. Trust over circumstance seemed just as irrational. She conceded, pulling herself on the dragon's back. Behind Sesshomaru.

A-un jerked into the sky, and Kikyou crashed forward. Her reflexes wrapping her arms his waist. And Sesshomaru made a less than pleased noise. His body tensed and he flinched.

But if he was going to act invincible....if he was going to pretend that he wasn't human, momentarily, Kikyou was going to treat him as such. She didn't feel the least bit of bad and kept her arms around him. Dizzying in the emptiness of her stomach. Her bones relaxing in the familiarity of being that close to anyone as they flew north.

"If you fall off, I'm not catching you," He barked over the wind.

_And that was something Inuyasha would've said...._

x

x

x

_Sesshomaru learned that revenge could never quench thirst. He killed every wide eyed thing in Izayoi's ancestral manor. Staining the flowers red. Painting the walls with the tears of her own mother. As the bodies of innocent, guilty, and the tragically unfortunate sprawled at his feet– the scent of blood creeping and crowding at the ceiling, he found that he was not satisfied. And he felt heartbreak a little more fiercer than his father's passing._

_He lost count of just how old Inuyasha had been. He lost count of the years he spent not talking to his father. The years he spent with him saying nothing. Sulking and loving bitterly. He lost the sense of purpose he had in killing her entire family for abandoning her._

_Did he do it for his father or himself?_

x

x

x

Not all silences needed to be filled. Sesshomaru appreciated Kikyou's quietness. She spoke when she was spoken to. She didn't ask prying questions, nor did she attempt to instigate a conversation. But he had a feeling that she could read his mind through his stiffness. That her daftness was only a guise to swallow up his minor details. _He was comparing her to Izayoi_.

And to a certain degree, he was right. Though she had her face buried in his back, she sensed enough about him. She too favored his silence. It made things left difficult. It was purely business and at some point they would be able to walk away from each other with just _Thank Yous_. If he didn't die. If she didn't have to bring his bones back to Rin. In her bleak honesty, she was ok with the meaningless embrace she trapped him in. Even though it was to secure her from falling....it felt incredibly nice to be next to a warm thing. Sometimes he shivered in pain. Sometimes he hunched forward.

"Fall asleep and you're going to fall off..."

"And you won't catch me...I know. I know..."

"Then don't. It would be in your best interest to stay wide awake."

"You're not my master. You're nobodies master at that! I'm truly shocked at your endurance. Why haven't **_you_** fallen off and died yet?"

And before he could fix his mouth to cruelly reprimand her, before he could shake her loose from his body, arrows shot from under their feet. Four missing, but one caught in A-un's scales.

 


	10. For Better Or Worse

_For a long time, Sesshomaru never knew what sadness really looked like. Until he noticed the emptiness in Izayoi's sighs and the way she stared off into space as if he weren't there. As if Inuyasha wasn't really there either. He reached out to touch her, absently looping two claws in the thickness of her hair. Tucking a strand behind her tiny ear. In a less than romantic way that startled her. She placed a hand over his. Her fingers finding his wrist._

_Something witty on her tongue, but she kept her mouth closed. Sinking her face into his palm. Her eyes closed. He could smell the blood coloring her cheeks as he drew nearer. She found a place at his neck, his hand snaked to the back of her head. And he could taste the shift in her breathing._

_And neither of them needed to say anything. There was no urgency._

_The world stopped around them, and Sesshomaru felt the weight of a thousand stones roll of his chest._

_'So this is what mourning feels like?'_

x

x

x

It gets better.

It's supposed to get better.

It never does.

An arrow tore through his fluttering sleeve and A-un spiraled down. Swimming through the tree tops. Kikyou's grip becoming tighter than death. But he felt nothing as his ears rang in a way he'd never experience before. Fear poured onto him. It was jolting and all he could think is– _this is how I'm going to die?_ And it's unfamiliarity was so distasteful that he felt his stomach do a back flip.

He'd never been scared of dying before. Not once. Never in his lifetime.

A-un held it together. Breaking the fall just enough to keep them all from toppling lands away from each other. The dragon dug it's nails in the dirt, Sesshomaru and Kikyou sliding off his back. Dragging his body into a tree and revealing three arrows jammed in his underbelly.

Kikyou rolled away from Sesshomaru. Her skull rattling alert. Sesshomaru's hair sprawled across his face as he came back into the realm of ice shattering pain. Unable to fake his condition, a series of soft moans escaped him. Airy defeat. Whispering woe. A disoriented Kikyou fixed herself onto her knees. She peered straight up a tiny hill between the trees. A group of men, what looked like demon hunters trampled through the wood.

"Damn it," She coughed, looking over at a spent Sesshomaru.

The sun was hot. Scorching. And the trees spun around its brightness from Sesshomaru's down below perspective. His ears still ringing violently, and the shock subsided. Easing into pain and a wetness at his back. His mother laughed at him in his head. The midday sun reminded him of his father's glower.

Kikyou crawled towards him. Her head blocking the sunlight and his eyes widened.

 _So I'm not dead_ – he thought. Thinking death might've been a better option, but there was Rin and Jaken and A-un. Hell. Even Inuyasha....

"We are not in fate's favor today..." Kikyou muttered as the group of rowdy men swarmed at the top of the hill.

"Were we ever really?" Sesshomaru wheezed. The statement completely flying over Kikyou's head.

x

x

x

"Master Jaken, why are you filled with so much doubt?" Rin picked an armful of berries, gently placing them in the basket. Something she had tasked herself with to keep in the good graces of villagers. To atone for their kindness.

Jaken paced a hole in the ground. Back and forth, prattling on about a series of hypothetical disasters. She thought to doubt her own optimism, but Sesshomaru had yet to fail them. Her knees were scraped up and her toes were muddy.

"Stupid child. You know nothing about the world...or disappointment," Jaken screamed.

"I do know a thing or two about disappointment," She faintly remembered life before dying. The hurt was no longer present, but she knew her life was sad before Sesshomaru and Jaken. Without a doubt. She placed a berry on her tongue, closing her mouth and holding it between her teeth.

"Pfftttt!!!" Jaken threw his tiny arms in the air. His eyes burned from crying.

"How is it that you've served Lord Sesshomaru for so long...but have such little faith in him?"

Jaken paused. Staring up into the sky hopelessly. Knowing the answer, but it wasn't exactly appropriate.

So he said nothing. Sauntering off sadly back towards the village.

A part of him believe what all of his master's peers said about him. Sesshomaru was weak in more subtle ways than one. He resented Rin. He hated Sesshomaru's fake indifference. But he couldn't stand the idea of being abandoned and aimless. And he knew Sesshomaru would hate him for the way he thought of Rin. If Sesshomaru died, he would leave her for the wolves again.

x

x

x

 

"What business do you two have riding the backside of a demon?" The leader of group presented himself. They hunted demons, but not to protect their families, but for personal gain. They sold their body parts to the highest bidder. To merchants and lords.

They held A-un down in chains. Sesshomaru's eyes never straying away from his beastly companion. Kikyou couldn't quite make out the fall of his look. It wasn't defeat. Not quite anger. Sesshomaru stood still as the men pointed their blades at the both of them.

"Business that has nothing to do with you," Kikyou interjected as their leader took a sweeping gander of Sesshomaru. Stroking his beard. Gritting his teeth.

"You're no commoner– you ain't dressed like one," He pointed stopped directly in front of Sesshomaru. Leaning in to take a patronizing sniff.

"You sure as hell smell like one though," And his flock laughed on top of A-un's wheezing. Kikyou wondering what was on the tip of the arrows that took the dragon down. If it were the same thing that riddled Sesshomaru _useless_.

"Who's your father. I probably know him?" His inquiry cut into Sesshomaru like a dagger, but he remained quite. Thinking up thirty different ways he could weasel all three of them out of this situation. With all limbs intact.

He took Sesshomaru's silence as an insult. Stepping away with a heavy shrug of his shoulders.

But the thickness in the atmosphere was swallowed by A-un's cries as one of the men sliced his stomach open with a blade. Kikyou's heart stopped because it wasn't enough to kill him and something inside of Sesshomaru broke. Years worth of fighting, war, and death Sesshomaru moved with a quickness faster than a stormy wind. He grabbed for the hunter next to him and snatched away his blade. And it happened too fast for Kikyou to catch her breath. Sesshomaru had found the strength in him to slice open his neck. Though she didn't have hundreds of years worth of mastering the art of killing, she followed suit.

The men crowded in. Swarmed like flies over a carcass. And Sesshomaru dispelled them. Breaking limbs, and slicing through them with all his innate resources. They were hunters. Not warriors. There was nothing meticulous about the way they attacked. He chased them down with unbridled anger and frustration. One by one, they fell under his whirlwind lunges. His fingers were bloody from jamming his them into eyes. The last man standing, he beat his face into a rock.

Kikyou found her place next to the dying dragon. Throwing down the sword she messily used to pierce a man's gut.

_It never gets better._

A-un's innards seeped, and Kikyou held out her hands to catch nothing but her own incapability.

Sesshomaru stepped beside her, snatching up the sword.

Without a second thought, Sesshomaru raised the blade and hacked at his two heads. Blood running out and along Kikyou's collar bone.

x

x

x


	11. 11:11

Kikyou lulled into the death that surrounded them. Accepting it in her lap, lowering her hands as the weight of it sunk beneath her skin. Sesshomaru fell to his knees. His chest rising. Holding his head back to look up into the sky, dropping the sword that didn't belong to him and taking a huge breath.

"I'm so tired," He'd never be so exhausted in his life. Another thing he hated about being a broken human, he felt intangible things immensely. Like sadness. Coupled with the aching sing song of his body.

After a long silence.....

"We shouldn't linger," Kikyou stared down at the dead dragon, "But it would be remiss to not bury him properly."

Sesshomaru slumped forward. His eyes meeting the ground as he supported his body with his only arm. His lips twisted into an incredulous smile and a wary laugh cracked in his throat. Short and empty. Almost similar to defeat.

"You have the strength to carry his body?" He exhaled and Kikyou said nothing. Because she did not possess the power to move _any_ of the dead bodies around them.

"That's what I thought...." Sesshomaru forced himself to stand. He could no longer tolerate the smell of blood.

x

x

They sauntered somewhat aimlessly. Halfway following the sun. Kikyou stood behind him as he wobbled into an increasing dizziness.

"We should stop and rest," She suggested and he stopped walking. His shoulders falling as he turned to look at her with an expression she could only make out as discomfort under the fall of his hair.

He opened his mouth to spit some kind of sarcasm, but his bitterness came in chunks up his throat. And he hurled into the bushes.

As he spat out his insides, his nostrils burning just as bad as his heart, he wondered if it was all karma for something he did. Something bad that he had forgotten about. Which would be a list, a scrolls worth of things that he couldn't exactly pinpoint.

x

x

She couldn't help but feel some type of urgency, as though they were chasing time. So sitting idly, even if it were necessary seemed like a bigger mistake. Sesshomaru sat across from her, staring into the fire as the crickets filled up their silence. He always looked as if he were thinking about something and the intensity of his low lidded gaze didn't lessen with brown eyes.

"So..?" She started as she skinned a rabbit.

"So." He continued to persecute the fire.

"What's it like?"

"What's **_what_** like?"

"Being human?"

His response was a sigh as he shifted his posture, raising up against a tree.

"Well...." He finally looked at her. Looking lost and without. A darkness coloring beneath his eyes. Kikyou listened. Moving her hands all too fast for him.

"Incredibly confusing. And it always feels like I'm about to die..."

"You're being dramatic..."

"Am I?"

"It's not that bad. Well...in good health it isn't. I'm sorry you were introduced to it in such a way..."

"Why are you torturing that rabbit?" He hated the way it smelled. He couldn't stand death or blood under his current spell of madness.

"It's dead, Lord Sesshomaru."

"But why?"

"For you to eat?"

And that inspired a laughter that seemed to get caught up in the trees. Soaking in the leaves. It hurt a lot, but that didn't stave away the cynicism that dimpled his cheeks.

"I don't want it."

"You need it though."

"It's the **last** thing I need."

"You need to eat to survive. You're human now..."

"Don't remind me."

"Sesshomaru..."

"You eat it."

"That's not how it works for me..." _Not anymore_. She held it up by its ears. Blood up to her elbows.

"That's right. You're already dead." And he said it with enough cruel casualty, that she dropped the meat and tossed the blade she stole from the hunters to her side. It thumped in the dirt like her pride.

"Fine. Don't eat. I'm not the one who needs to."

"Right."

x

x

_And what was a home without passion to warm it?_

As the small fire died, as Kikyou vanished behind the trees, Sesshomaru counted all his failures on his only hand. Breathing in and out– the trees from so down below smelled different. In a good kind of way. There wasn't a rush or highness. Looking up at the stars made him dizzy.

The sticks eventually burned out and he was left in complete darkness. With only the croaking of frogs as company. Fire flies passing along his lap and nose. Two on his knuckles. As the clouds hid the moon, casting a darkness over the dead rabbit, he was filled with dread. Loneliness and dread that inspired him to stand on his feet.

x

x

Kikyou sucked the coolness straight from her palms and tasted the sweet memories of powerful man's daughter. Her last memory being torn in half, staring straight up into the orange sky. And she felt bad for being relieved of contempt for herself. She didn't have to sit through a euphoric bitterness. The spirit slid down throat easily. Not too big in presence, not too demanding as it filled out her stomach. She felt better. The water at her hips felt better. The air didn't seem so stagnant.

"So that's what you do?" Sesshomaru stood at the edge of the pond. Balancing with his shoulder against a tree.

Death breathed life back into her and she straightened her back. Wet hair clinging to her face, her lashes fuller. Kikyou said nothing as she looked back at him through the darkness. Shame only revealing itself in the shadiest of her features. Hidden around the scattered moonlight that crashed unto her, sprinkling the water.

"And just who are you to judge?" She sneered.

"We do what we must to survive right?" And he didn't want for an explanation.

"That we do.... _well_ I can only speak for myself.."

x

x

x

_"What's a home without passion to warm it?" Izayoi's tears lead to her salvation and her tragedy humbled the rags that fell from her shoulders._

_"You don't have to stay here either," Sesshomaru's head touched the ceiling of the hut._

_"I don't want to live with you **either**. It wouldn't be right," She rubbed a sleeping Inuyasha's back._

_"Then where will you go?"_

_"Whatever is meant to happen...will just fall into place."_

_"That's not how things work."_

_"For you maybe...Sesshomaru. For you maybe..."_

x

x

x

Sesshomaru and Kikyou sprawled themselves in the back of a merchant's wagon.

"I have a question?" Kikyou started. With her hands folded on her stomach. Sesshomaru didn't make a noise. He kept his eyes close, but listened.

"Inuyasha told me a long time ago that you both hated each other...."

"I don't hate my brother..."

"Oh?"

"He refused to come with me when he was a child. And I don't ask things twice."

"He refused?"

"I like you much better when you're not talking," The sun burned his eye lids. The heat smothered him like a ghost sitting on his chest. And his stomach screamed for food.

Kikyou balanced herself on her elbows, looking over him. As they passed under trees, the shadows flickered across his somber face. It was like looking at his face for the first time. His nose seemed pointier, his lips fuller. And he had longer eyelashes than her.

"I always told Inuyasha that if you wanted him dead, you would've killed him by then... _by now_..."

"Is that what you think, Kikyou?"

"That's what I know."

"You must know an awful lot."

Kikyou rolled on her back. Staring into the sky as the clouds rushed above them. _An inverted sea of endless possibilities_ , and she imagined it as if she were looking straight down into bright waters from heaven.

x

x

x

_"How will I find you?"_

_"What if I don't want to be found?"_


	12. Tiny Burdens

As quiet as it might've been kept, Kikyou's kindness was reflexive. Not quite a facade, but she carried niceness as though it had always been a burden. Sesshomaru gathered that about her as he devoured the conversation she held with the merchant, Omasu. With his eyes sealed shut, he listened to them prattle on about how far north they were going and the great respect Omasu held for far stretches of land.

"We are eternally grateful."

**...**

"Bunko of the North?"

Sesshomaru knew that name, but continued to feign death.

Kikyou's voice was pleasant with his eyes closed. There was never a lull of silence, even when the horse dipped its face in a bucket of water. Although it wasn't completely sincere, she made Omasu feel special. She made a thousand promises that he wasn't sure she could even keep. _Sesshomaru wondered why she never spoke to him with such esteem...._

"Your face is red," She hovered above him and his eyes snapped open. He kept his mouth closed, staring up at her as she cradled another bucket of water. Her eyes tired, but he had a feeling he could only see the misery that paled her face. It was a mystery to Omasu, the setting sun, the trees....any and everyone that didn't pay close attention to her astuteness.

"Drink some before I clean your wounds," She urged him.

"You don't have to pity me."

"Don't flatter yourself, _My Lord_. I pity everyone."

And that made him laugh hard enough. It reminded him just how much pain his body was in.

"You're a witch," He coughed and winced.

"That wouldn't be the worst thing I've been called."

x

x

x

_Kikyou waited for the higher power to drown her in the ocean. To swallow her whole so that her death would be more of a mystery than a suicide. The fish could feast on her skin and suck her bones. She wanted all the tiny parts of her scattered._

_The further she ran away from herself, the darker the world became. She slipped and dipped until the water touched her chin. This would be the third time she's tried to die again._

_She sucked the same air that showed her lover tangled in someone else, back into her dead throat._

_Out of all the things that could've destroyed her. The rape. The death of her parents. That one time she came up too short and failed her sister. Heaving her body from cliffs. Banging her ribs against rocks._

_Out of all the things that could've destroyed her, having her heart broken was the one. All of this time she thought that she was the only person who could love Inuyasha. Someone had finally found the pieces she worked so hard to rearrange. And she was ashamed for thinking that there wouldn't be another. That Inuyasha could never be without her. Without them..._

_The ocean didn't kill her._

_And she tried four more times._

x

x

x

Bunko was a forest child with bones older than trees. Her doe eyes round but too dark to stare into. Slick black hair neatly crisscrossed in golden jewels. She looked a healthy fifteen years. Wearing the armor on her shoulders and chest with the ease of a mountain. She stood beneath the tangle of trees with her arms folded. Her guards at each side of the wagon.

"My favorite old man!" She roared with a girlish lilt. Her eyes fell onto Kikyou and her smile went just as fast as it came. Something about Bunko's look made Kikyou aware that the girl had picked up on her abnormality. And she wondered what not quite being alive but nowhere near dead smelled like to demons.

"And you've brought me dinner?" Bunko quipped. Striding towards them with deer like charm, but her eyes never strayed from Kikyou.

"Not quite, Lady Bunko. They were in need of some assistance," Omasu waddled from the wagon. Adjusting his robes and hat. Bunko stepped under Kikyou, squinting as though she could see all of her secrets. Freckles kissed down her cheeks and her bottom lashes were thicker than her bangs. Most demons were cruelly gorgeous. Even with protruding fangs or horns....Bunko was a doe. Her pretty features were only befitting.

"Hmm. _They_? This one doesn't smell all that delectable. My second option? Is it already dead?" Her nostrils flared as her attention gathered at the wagon.

Sesshomaru rose himself, peering back over the piles of shiny, dull, and pointy things. He knew Bunko, and she instantly knew him through years of wicked obsession. Her eyes swelled with what could've been crushed stars. Her cheeks burning as if she had slept against the sun. Sesshomaru remembered the morning she was born and the many times she followed him around with a tiny dagger. His father liked her mother, but like most female demons, she was hard to keep.

He wasn't all that surprised that she had recognized him in his distraught shape.

x

x

x

_Bunko swore it was the moon on his forehead._

And Kikyou was stuck under the fog of nostalgia that had nothing to do with her. Bunko wept for Sesshomaru and moaned for the aftermath of his tragic undoing. Kikyou picked at Sesshomaru's bandages, swallowing the slightest hint of aggravation.

"For a human, you don't look nearly as bad as you should," Bunko sniffled into her sleeve, "How are you even alive?"

Sesshomaru's response was a wordless suspire. Kikyou thought the same. He had endured a lot, but she figured it had something to do with being stubborn and hard headed. She suppressed a smile.

"I feel dead," He finally said. His eyes stuck on the ceiling. Kikyou rolled her eyes and Bunko wailed a little harder.

x

Bunko was known for being too generous. Her land was small, but she remained in favor of the villages that surrounded her tiny kingdom. Small army, small family, but her wealth could buy the sky if she were that greedy. She ruled the north with little fists and everyone loved her. Everyone who needed her that is.

"I didn't think it was possible, Lord Sesshomaru of the West..."

"Think what was possible?"

"That there was a living breathing woman with the capacity to love you."

"She's barely a woman," _And_ _his mothered loved him in her own way_ , but he kept it to himself.

"How old is she?"

"Too old." Bunko hadn't changed. She was still impulsive and compassionate.

"This might sound cruel, but I wonder why you were a target instead of her? Her position seems of more value...."Kikyou started and Sesshomaru listened. She searched his face for a glimmering feeling, but his eyes remained closed, "Well, if I were a great lord, I'd seek her head before yours?"

"Well. She inherited her father's hand in trade. I inherited my father's enemies," Was all he said. Somewhat dreamily. A little bit melancholy.

"I see."

After the death of the conversation, Kikyou found herself not wanting to leave his side. Convincing herself it was to make sure he stayed well. Allowing her pride to eclipse that lingering loneliness she couldn't quite get rid of. Sesshomaru wasn't her first idea of good company, but being alone for too long was more insufferable than enduring his coldness. She wallowed beside him on her knees. Her hands folded in her lap.

"We finally made it north."

"Yes," He spoke under his breath.

And another silence sprang between them. The sound of quick rain swallowed the walls and echoed light taps against metal and wood.

"I'm coming with you," Sesshomaru's voice startled her.

"Coming where?"

"The spiders."

"You really shouldn't."

"It's my body. Don't deny me the right to kill the people that helped aid in my demise."

"You're overestimating the human experience and the human body."

"You must not know true anger, Kikyou."

"I know anger. It got me killed."

"Hm."

"You're not going."

"So you think."

"So I know."

"Why do you care so much? As a matter of fact, I should be making the journey alone."

"I care because that's what I do. That's what I've always done."

"Do you really like being so generous with your time?"

"I have an infinite amount of time. There aren't enough generous people among us."

"But do you enjoy it?"

Her pause was equally as sudden as the storm. Her feelings loud in her skull like the thunder.

"Most of the time."

Sesshomaru then opened his eyes, looking up at her placid features. She glared back at him. His hair pooled around his face. Black glossy tides that rocked with his slight gestures. Even after being reduced to nothing but a beating heart, he still retained effortless beauty.

" _Most of the time_ ," He repeated.

"Yes," She muttered.

x

x

x

 


	13. Deep

What exactly was he searching for?

Sesshomaru asked himself that a lot. His life was long, but not meaningless. He kept his eyes closed as he broke from his sleep. And asked himself– _what exactly did he want?_

How was all of this and that supposed to end?

And afterward...then what?

This time around, the question posed against fate, _which he didn't believe in_ , seemed a thousand feet deep in emptiness. Like a grave without a dead body. He shook himself completely awake and rose to an empty room. At that moment, he discovered what loneliness felt like. Kikyou wasn't bad company, but she was company nonetheless. His heart fluttered for the first time? Maybe? He couldn't quite remember the exact time he felt this anxious. If there ever had been a time before...It wasn't a familiar feeling but not completely foreign.

And the melancholy that crashed into him came at the wrong time. Uninvited and unprovoked. The delirium connected the broken lines of his apathy– the broken lines in his palm as he realized he hadn't been doing anything for quite some time. Before Rin. Before Jaken. Before Naraku. Time seemed lost. Memories never finished themselves. _After Izayoi._

_That one time he met a human girl with a broken foot...._

_That other time he cracked the ribs of a rapacious boar demon...._

_And of course,_ he could never forget the smell of blood in the grass.

But it was all very mundane compared to what he was festering in now. He then realized that Kikyou went off without him, but his head, body, and gumption hurt too bad to care. All of it hurt. He surrendered himself to the possibility of her failure becoming his failure. Fear. How he wished he had become accustomed to it. He had no idea how to settle into himself without wanting to suck on his own bones.

Rin was scared. Izayoi had been scared. They made it seem so easy.

Being human always seemed so simple....

x

x

x

Kikyou was hoping that she could slip from the castle early in the morning, but Bunko was equally as restless. Her curiosity bigger than her appetite and eyes.

_"Who are you?"_

_"How do you know Sesshomaru?"_

_"Why?"_

She sure as hell wasn't doing it for Sesshomaru. She knew that better than the lines on her wrists. It was for Rin because she knew how little promises meant to demon's. They could never keep them and they never stayed. But that wasn't any of Bunko's business. To Kikyou's surprise, Bunko didn't flinch under her coldness. The questions stopped and she insisted that Kikyou ate before she treaded to her fifth, sixth, tenth attempt at death. _She had stopped counting_.

With a new bow and arrows, Bunko instructed her to head deeper into the north until she reached a valley where the grass seemed to be covered in the frost of spiders. The spider demons weren't known to be blood thirsty, but they rarely freed those that tripped into their webs.

But Bunko's imagination was lacking.

The grass did begin to look as though it had been covered in ice, but the string of webs glistened under the rising sun. Webs reached up into the trees like a net of glistening crystals. Kikyou was bewitched by her curiosity. Stepping through the sparkling grass. Her fingers gently combing through the webs as entered the isolated wood between two dead trees. And she then noticed that all of the trees were dead and naked. As soon as she stepped into the shade, she was met with a coolness that wasn't a breeze. The warm season stopped the moment she crossed into the territory. Reminding her that she was, in fact, in the den of things that _will_ harm her. _But Rin_. She was doing it for Rin so terror could not find a home inside of her.

What stuck out to her the most, the further she wandered into the dead wood, was the silence. There wasn't an ambush of spiders like she had expected. She wasn't sought after and the aura was incredibly thin. So thin that she was filled with an intense pang of sorrow. Everything was dead, and she wasn't sure if it was of misfortune.

There was a wheezing sound and she followed it. Until she stumbled into a clearing. The dirt was littered with unrecognizable ripped appendages and dried blood mixed with what looked like saliva. Tangled webs fell from the twisted canopies of twigs and Kikyou's eyes fell ahead of her. She squinted between the shimmering strings. Pinpointed a large figure. On its belly. Moaning with a twisted cadence of agony and sadness. She drew closer and closer. It's uneven breaths the driving magic behind the cold breeze. Its spit sprinkled across her face, but she knew better than to flinch. She's seen much worse. Kikyou stood under its hulking body. Some of its legs curled under, some weakly tangled outward. The large black spider cried as it devoured the last bit of its kin.

"You will find none here," It groaned, chewed, and gulped.

"I don't wish to take any," Kikyou responded sharply, "Not much of any at least."

The giant spider straightened itself, "I have nothing to give."

She then understood that something bad had happened and she had interrupted it's mourning.

"Oh but you do," Kikyou breathed, admiring just how far it's leg stretched around her.

"Say?" Saliva dripped from its mouth. Plopping loudly against the dirt like rain.

"Your poison has caused a friend of mine great grief. She will be alone in this world if you do not fix the suffering you have willed upon her."

"But she has you right? So she won't be so alone...if you claim to be her friend..."

Kikyou swallowed hard but remained steadfast, "I am a friend, but my circumstances are too unique for such a burden."

"That doesn't sound like much of a friend. You made the effort for nothing..."

"Not nothing!" Kikyou barked, curling her hands into tiny but powerful fists. As the spider shifted its legs and brought its gruesome head to her level, it swiftly occurred to her that she had little means of fighting it at such capacity. She would have to run a healthy distance in order to strike it with an arrow.

It's too many eyes reflected her slight fear, but it tarried in the little space it left her to breathe.

 ** _For Rin. For Rin. For Rin_** – she screamed in her head.

"I have nothing else left...." It groaned and more spit pecked at her cheeks.

x

x

x

Sesshomaru vividly remembered burying his first pet and afterwards he promised to never care so much about another living thing.

_"You're going to watch a lot of people around you die. For the rest of your life," His father squeezed his shoulder as he stared down at the clump of dirt._

_"And **most** of the time you won't be able to save them," The wisdom in his voice seemed so thin and narrow to Sesshomaru. It was like a weak wind passing through a cave with no opening. _

_"Then what's the point?" Sesshomaru protested. His sadness was quiet. His eyes were dry but his throat hurt a lot._

_"Death is certain. That's the point....."_

It wasn't the most poignant thing his father had said, but death was breathing down his neck and that was all he could think about. The weight of A-un crushed his lungs a little and Sesshomaru sat in a dazed silence.

 ** _Most of the time_** – he thought.

Most of the time....

But he had Tenseiga.... _that's right._

The door slid open and Bunko shifted inside. With a handful of berries, she kneeled beside him wearing a look that resembled cruel pity. If his body didn't ache so, he would've turned over in a silent protest.

"I'm sorry," She began but Sesshomaru remained reticent. She swallowed three berries before speaking again.

"I truly didn't know. If I had known about it, I would've warned you, Lord Sesshomaru."

But everyone knew. **Everyone** knew at some point. Myoga wouldn't lie. Myoga never dressed the truth nicely. Sesshomaru's face soured, but he listened. His head panged but he devoured all of her sighs.

Shoving all of the berries in her mouth, she choked a little on the sweetness and her tears. Curling her head into his chest and erupted into heavier tears. She cried as though she were guilty, and if she were he couldn't exactly blame her. When his father died, he took no lengths in resurrecting former relationships.

"Your father would be so disappointed in me!" She sobbed into his chest.

And he gritted his teeth. _Because her mother was nowhere to be found when he died_.

As Bunko bled her sins onto him, Sesshomaru swore to himself that if Kikyou succeeded in what she had promised, that he'd make up for it all. They would all fear him in a new era. And if it took five heads on a spike, then so be it.

All of them would pay for his father's ashes.

"Get off me," He wheezed at Bunko.

x

x

x

"The least you could do is spare my friend. If you intend to let your self-pity end you," Kikyou spat.

"Or perhaps your skin could ease my belly aches?" The spider withdrew with the intent in striking forward and Kikyou's instinct jerked her five steps back. She sprinted into the trees. Her body tearing through the webs. Some tangling at her throat and ankles. The spider king crunched trees behind her and as it howled in disgust, a cold wind swept through the dead trees. Blowing her hair around her face and the webs tangled in her lips. Kikyou slid into a ditch of dirt. The ghost of a heart beat pounding against her chest as her hands frantically plucked for an arrow.

She counted her breaths and closed her eyes. Like she always did when she sunk into a stupor of fear. Remembering the cruel face of the priestess before her– _the woman who made her_.

_'If you mirror the frigidness of snow, your failures will be far and few, Kikyou...'_

The spider's legs stabbed through the dirt but Kikyou waited until her breathing even with it steps. The young and alive girl in her swelled at the bottom of her stomach. And the spider's legs reached over and around the pit. Casting a shadow unto her as she gazed up at its belly. She aimed her arrow with the confidence she worked on for years. The confidence that had been beaten into her.

It was a shame how weak the giant spider had been, but also a fortune. She truly believed that whatever had happened before her arrival had been to her benefit. There was no way she could have staved off a legion of twisted legs and venom on her own. As she stared up at it's under belly, she couldn't fathom the many ways she could have possibly suffered. _Not quite die_ but the suffering would be immense.

It screamed and Kikyou let loose the arrow. Piercing its stomach with a shred of white light. Her power tore a clean hole through the demon. It's guts and blood poured down her face, seeping through her clothes. It's broken pieces falling every which way with thuds and soft pops.

It then occurred to her that she had no idea how to go about retrieving Sesshomaru's cure.

x

x

x

x

_Fifteen winters old. A few springs wiser. Kikyou followed behind the old priestess with an armful of firewood._

_"The worst thing a woman can ever do is love a man," The old woman coughed. Bundled under layers of bear fur. Kikyou didn't object. She too found men uninspiring, but she also did not resent them. Her father was a good man. She found no reason to hate men as a whole._

x

x

x

x


	14. Grave Yard

Authenticity cannot be threatened, watered down, nor discredited.

Redemption belonged to every living thing.

Salvation is only obtained by few.

Kikyou was soaked in green fluid that mixed with the blood. Knee deep in broken spider legs and fangs and other things far from human parts. She pulled herself from the ditch, her wet fingers turning the dirt into mud. Her hair glistened grossly and her clothes clung to her with the weight of all the dead things inside of the beasts belly.

She scrambled through the disgustingly cold slush. Burying her fingers beneath her robe for the wooden container Bunko had given her. Her eyes anxiously scanned the mess as she tried to remember the smallest bit of detail.

_Would it be its blood? Or its spit? Had anyone ever really said? Why didn't she ask?_

All she knew was that defeat could not be an option.

Kikyou never took steps back.

So she went on a gut instinct. Hobbling towards the demon's gaping mouth. Catching the last remains of its saliva in the container, mixing it with fluid and blood. Breaking off its fangs with her eager bare hands. Gouging four of its red eyes and assorting them. She gathered whatever her arms would allow her carry.

x

x

x

Sesshomaru relived laying down in a field of bones. Staring up into the grey sky. His arm torn and thrown undesirable lengths away from him. He distinctly remembered how his pride hurt and bled more than his gaping wound.

His anger had been eclipsed by his amusement. Inuyasha had come a long way, and a part of him was somewhat proud. _He must've inherited Izayoi's resilience_. _Or their father's hard head_.

The most crippling effect of dwindling death was the resurgence of old memories. Sesshomaru's pain confronted things he had long forgotten about. _His first kiss. That time he forgot to hold his breath under water_. And some _lingering_ promises he didn't quite keep. There were flashes of sadness and moments he didn't feel so bad, but that could've been delirium. He was going to die one day, but he had never anticipated his death to be so pitiful. Three ripples of pain snaked in his stomach. Of sharpness, a burning sensation, and the type of agony one would only wish on their worst enemy.

There was a ruckus from down the hall that reminded him of faint war drums. He made out Bunko's frantic voice among shuffling feet. The clamor just as hasty as his heartbeat as he remembered the time he tried to cut off her tail when they were children. His lips twisted in contempt and disdain for himself.

Kikyou was beating against everything she believed in. Helping a demon had never quite been above her but it wasn't exactly like she had been her old self lately. Bunko hurled a thousand questions at her as she skirted through the many servants. Her feet tracked crumbs of dried blood and dirt. The viscera in her hair sun dried stiff. Some strands glued to her ear lobes and her eyes were slightly irritated. And she counted the hard thuds of her feet to where Sesshomaru laid restless.

She shoved her body inside of the room and immediately took place at his side. Dropping to her lap the sticky spider leg and the wooden container. Bunko and three heads peered around the gaping door, whispering to the various hot bodies around them.

"You have to eat this!"Kikyou spoke sternly. With enough confidence. Sesshomaru glared down at her lap and grimaced. _Wondering if he would much rather die_.

"It makes no difference to me if you **don't** , but you could at least try for my suffering," She snapped the leg in half and fluid seeped down her knees.

He hesitated, dragging his eyes up to her darkened face. She looked disgusting.

"That's supposed to fix me?" He groaned.

"Yes," She honestly didn't know, but he couldn't sense her lack of faith. She shoved half of the leg near his face and held out the container, "Wash it down."

Sesshomaru had become well acquainted with doubt. So much so, that it felt disturbingly normal to be somewhat mystified. Before his thoughts could catch up with his body, he had already reached for the leg and bit down on it in one go. Swallowing hard as the pointed ends grazed the back of his throat.

At first, he felt nothing but the displeasure of the aftertaste. Kikyou sat back with a calm face. Her chest falling up and down as she scanned his face. But before she could reach out and touch him, a sharp pain untangled itself in his gut. And before he could open his mouth to breathe, he threw his body back down writhing in pain. The way Sesshomaru twisted and curled into himself wasn't normal. The whites of his eyes glistened under the spell of the candles. He jaws gritted viciously as if he were trying to bite down into his own skull. Alarmed, Kikyou scrambled to her feet, urging Bunko and her servants out and away from the room. Sesshomaru's groans ascended into uneven growls, but she wasn't scared. Though she should be. Kikyou returned to his side, scooping his body into her lap. Allowing his wet strands of hair to blanket her arms. The darkness of his hair seeped like ink. Like flesh peeling off of bone until his roots were silver. It poured onto and under them like black blood.

As his body changed, with the burning of his red eyes, Sesshomaru found the strength to lift himself. But the way he untangled his body was disturbingly primal. He clawed at her body, tearing at her robe and skin. Her back collided with floor, knocking the air from  her lungs. His hands suppressing what could've been a scream wedged in her throat. Reflexive, she gripped her tiny hands around his wrists as he beamed bloodily down at her. Kikyou's fear was just as absent as his good sense, but a part of her **_knew_** that this was truly who he was. Who Inuyasha was. What she had been fighting for years. She hated him with passion, but she accepted him. Just like she had accepted the prospect of death. Sesshomaru's mouth dripped saliva along her cheeks. Kikyou held his stare. Waiting for him to strike her. His knee pressing down against her thigh. Sesshomaru lifted a claw. His fingers eagerly sprawled with the intent to plunge them into her chest.

This wouldn't kill her. The ocean couldn't. It wouldn't hurt as bad since she hadn't eaten a soul in a while. Kikyou closed her eyes.

"Sesshomaru?" She said breathily. As a silent retreat into her empty shell.

But he did not strike. His grip on her throat loosened and his body quaked. He heaved and hacked. As he rolled off of her, his nails sharply grazed at her throat. Nicking flesh, but it did not hurt.  Lord Sesshomaru of the great western lands erupted into painful coughs. He wheezed until he vomited. Kikyou took a deep breath. Lifting herself to look at him.

Sesshomaru coughed until his throat was raw. His entire body was hot and wet with sweat. But he felt very alive. Very alive and tragically tired.

"Sesshomaru?" Kikyou said once more and he turned to look at her. With an expression that surprised her. Sesshomaru's stoicism burned in her memory, but she embraced the lost and curious shimmer in his gaze. His eyes full like the moon but still red. His blood soaked robe hung off his shoulder and his hair clung to his face. When their locked stare went on for too long, he turned his head. Deeply inhaling.

Silence looped itself around their circumstance. The world they seemed to share. Everything around them slowly became more real and a little bit sadder.

Kikyou crawled closer to him. Still holding on to his attempt to hurt her, but she kept her lips pressed together. He refused to say anything and she knew that it wasn't guilt. _That wasn't in his nature_.

But she knew what it was like to feel robbed. And she saw that feeling lined like a halo or a ghost above his brow. With her sleeve, she lifted her hand and wiped at the wet corner of his lips, but he quickly seized her hand within his.

x

x

x

_"It doesn't ever stop does it?" Izayoi whispered against his neck._

_"No. I don't think it ever truly does."_

x

x

x

Despite being full blooded again, Sesshomaru was still feeble. He had to completely readjust to his fixed body. There was a dull ache, but he assumed it was just his body remembering the trauma.

Kikyou never left his side, and he found it to be quite peculiar. She curled herself into the corner, far away from him and slept like dead wood. Her head leaned back against the wall. Her chin up as if she were waiting for hands to reach down and caress her face. He muddled if it would ever be appropriate or becoming of him to thank her. When would be the right time? And did he really have to? Would she mind? Why did he care so much?

x

x

x

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Ok so I got the sudden urge to write the next chapter. IDK when I will get the next update. I got a really nice review on and I just kinda felt compelled? I hope you liked this chapter. Thanks for reading.


	15. Little Contempt

_"What are you so scared of?" Inuyasha towered a head above her. Kikyou snapped her neck back, staring into his eyes. Shaking the snow from her bangs._

_"Everything," She said plainly. His hands cupped her cheeks. Her fingers tangled at his wrists._

_"But why? You of all people?" He didn't shiver. He never did._

_"That's why. **Me of all people**. You say it as though I can't be complex."_

_"No one said you weren't, Kikyou."_

_"No one has said it, but many have implied."_

x

x

x

And maybe all along that had been her problem. Kikyou wasn't allowed to experience multiplicity. She could count the times she had cried to Inuyasha on one hand. There was no place in the world for a sad woman. Let alone one gifted with supernal powers. Her sense of duty always came first. Anything regarding her humility came third.

She woke to Sesshomaru hovering above her and she immediately fixed her gaze to match his. The young girl in her blushed, but luckily these days how she really felt rarely surfaced at her cheeks.  For a while they said nothing. Kikyou blinked as though she were still dreaming. Straightening her posture, uncurling her legs and sprawling them outwards.

"Sleep well?" She asked and he reciprocated with a dry hum. Sesshomaru rubbed the back of his neck and drew his eyes elsewhere. Thinking to himself— _well now what_? Bunko's castle swelled with life. Feet shuffled on the other side of the door ever so often. Someone in the distance belched thirty orders.

"Thank you," Sesshomaru muttered under the far removed chaos. They still resided in a space only meant for them. The noise around them dangled at the edge. Being swallowed up by the wind of their similar discourse.

Kikyou lips broke into a small smile. She looked at him entirely. Taking in the subtle twitch of his pointed ears, his knotted hair crisscrossing down the sides of his face, and the even rise and fall of his chest. And she realized it was first and probably the only time she would witness his genuine innocence. She sensed a fleeting vulnerability.

"Hm. Now what?" She responded coyly. Closing her eyes.

Lord Sesshomaru of the west; his crown whiter than the coldest tip of a mountain. With eyes that pierced like stars. He waded within his pride and dozens upon dozens of burdens. She echoed his looping thought and his jaws locked.

"I have my business," He finally answered. _And Rin_. He'd mourn A-un along the way. _What a horrid failure._

"Of course," Kikyou looked down at her cracked palms. Of course she had nowhere else to go, but that wasn't his problem. She bit her bottom lip, cursing herself for projecting onto him.

Sesshomaru readjusted his white robe before storming towards the door.

x

The servant's immediately bowed at his presence. Gawked and kneeled as if the dead had walked among them. And he could smell each and every single one their fears, emotions, and nerve. All of it washed over him like submerging under water. It was invigorating to be himself completely again, but the newness of it all struck him with a headache. He followed Bunko's scent down the twisting hallways. His feet pounding against the wooden floors like thunder. And when he found her, he viciously slid open the doors. She sat perched on a rich stool. Her legs crossed. Her layers of kimonos dripping onto the floor as she raked her nails through her hair. The servant's in her room squealed at his appearance.

"Lord Sessho–" She started but his words were sharper than knives.

"You've got answers. You have secrets," He rushed towards her. Snatching her up from her seat. Her hand maiden's scrambled towards the door screaming. Bunko released a small whimper in protest, but her eyes never left his. Her delayed response was of boldness as she sucked in her bottom lip.

"I don't know a damn thing," She spat with a look of heartbreak.

"I will kill you. It might not be today, it might not be two seasons from now, but I will. And you know I will," His grip on her arm tightened. Piercing the fabric and pricking her skin.

"Is that how you treat a hospitable host? Kill me and you know what they all will say..."

"They've said enough."

Her guards, all tall and stocky with twisting antlers poured into the room, but she raised a hand to cease them.

"If I had anything to do with your demise, do you think I'd let you into my home?"

"I don't think you had a hand, but I do know that you've been complacent," His blood boiled.

The truth was in her eyes. He could hear the quick pangs of her heart. He was right. **Of course, Myoga wouldn't lie about it**. A moment passed of her shaking in his grasp, but she lowered her head and nodded away her guards.

"What do you wish to know, Lord Sesshomaru?" It was almost a whisper.

"I know already, but I want affirmation," He quipped.

"Whatever you want. You shall receive."

"Don't make weighty promises you have no means of keeping."

x

x

x

There was a ruckus and Kikyou never received her cup of tea. And soon she assumed that the madness had eclipsed her requests. The dead silence that washed over Lady Bunko's home lead Kikyou to wander out into the garden. Her clothes still dirty from the days before. Her hair unkempt and smelled of blood and dead things. She stared up into the sky. The trees stretched up for the clouds and swayed elegantly. _Like they were supposed to_ – she thought bitter sweetly.

Despite things being so long ago, everything reminded her of something or someone. She wondered if that's how Kaede felt now as an old woman. Everything is familiar. First times were far and few. She had even become accustomed to blades in her flesh. _How sad and pitiful. How funny and strange._

 _"Does it ever stop_?" She remembered asking the woman who made her. The woman who might as well have been her mother.

_"Does what stop, my child?"_

_"Disappointment?"_

_"Heh. It doesn't stop but one day you will become so used to it that you won't even notice when it stops to pay you a kind visit."_

It seemed to relate in more ways than she could have ever imagined. Nothing ceased to amaze her anymore. She wasn't quite sure if it was a good or bad thing these days. It would be nice to be surprised.

Kikyou had become so caught up in her thoughts that she did not notice Sesshomaru's arrival.

"Kikyou," It was strange hearing her name out of his mouth. It made her skin tingle. It was informal and smooth and not quite like the way Inuyasha said it. She brought her attention from the sky. Her arms folded around her stomach.

"Hm," She answered.

"Bunko has offered you a horse for your travels."

"Oh, and what about you?"

"I intend to give Jaken and Rin the news and handle the mess of my problems."

The thought of them separating made her sad and she wasn't sure why? And her disappointment showed in her features accidentally. Sesshomaru noticed and her sudden change in mood perplexed him. Her dreamy stare melted into a disturbed ocean of doubt.

"And where will you go?" He asked after a moment.

"Places," She sighed somberly.

The wind shook their hair. The leaves strode along an invisible river that laid between them.

"If you want me to be completely honest, I was hoping to see Rin again. See if she's well..."

Sesshomaru kept his thoughts to himself for a while. He simply stared at her, contemplating if her presence was necessary. She had been quite helpful, but he wouldn't admit it to her. She wasn't a nuisance. _If it would make Rin smile_...then he figured it wasn't all that bad....

 _Was the great Lord of the west feeling sentimental?–_ He snarled inwardly.

"Then I guess you won't be needing a horse," He quickly turned on his heels. Sleeves fluttering and hair dancing. He didn't want to see anything resembling joy on her face. Much to his own distaste with himself.

x

x

x


	16. Integral Honesty

Their silence, this time around, was one to be desired. Without tension. Maybe there was small hint of trust somewhere between them. _No. Not Trust_ — Sesshomaru quietly reprimanded himself as Kikyou meandered at his side.

**_Comfort. Yes. Comfort._ **

He had deduced that she wasn't a seedless apple, but he didn't know her terribly. Not that he cared to know more of her. It was fine the way it was. Quiet. Warm enough outside. But when Kikyou did part her lips to speak, he found himself listening. Devouring every word and the long pauses she took.

"You have no army," Kikyou started, "So just how far will you go?"

At the moment, his body wasn't ready to stretch for great lengths. He shrugged and grumbled. They walked under a pathway hooded by twisting trees. Kikyou watched the pattern of the leaves and the sun swim across his features. She noticed how he always kept his attention ahead.

"I don't need an army," He finally snorted. _He's never really needed anyone_.

"Is that so?" Kikyou pursed her lips.

"Very much so."

x

x

With Bunko's kingdom hidden well away in distance of trees and hills, they stopped before sunset in a clearing. Where Sesshomaru took to clawing down the trees that outlined the field. His golden whip snaking and sizzling through bark. And for this first time Kikyou was fortunate enough to witness a smile on his lips. As he cut, shredded, burned, and cracked at his bones. Sesshomaru was smiling victoriously. With untamed passion that only those with power housed. She wasn't scared and wondered if she should be? _Why would she be_? In the company of demons, those she didn't kill, she felt immense disdain. But something about today, yesterday, and tomorrow caused her to not feel ill about Sesshomaru. Much how she never felt ill about Inuyasha until _later_. And even now, with her resentment ebbed down to a small flame, her anger was just that. Small. Very well there but without much of a presence.

As the day died, the locusts screamed. The sun barely peeked over the trees and the sky burned a sleepy red. With the bark Sesshomaru had hacked away at, Kikyou created a campfire. She clapped the dirt and grime from her hands. Her sleeves poured at her elbows and she released a sigh. Humming against the blood curdling cries of the insects that lived in the grass and trees.

When Sesshomaru grew bored with the destroying the forest, he gracefully kneeled across from her. Observing the fire and what she assumed, he was avoiding her face.

"Does it feel good?" Kikyou ran her fingers through her tangled hair.

"What?" He spat incredulously with knitted brows. As if she had offended him.

"Being all back together again?"

Sesshomaru snarled and shifted his weight to cross his legs. Clumsily reaching to fold his arm with its phantom twin. But his shame was invisible. He hid the gesture as though he was scratching at his shoulder.

"It's nice," He finally sniffed.

"I'm glad," Kikyou said hastily.

The fire crackled and the sky became a deep maroon.

"Are all demons that satisfied when they destroy things?" She started once more and the question startled him.

"Are you trying to instigate meaningful conversation?" He quipped.

"No. Maybe? It's a genuine thought, Lord Sesshomaru."

She remembered or part of her could've imagined Inuyasha never being so violent. He hurt her in many subtle ways that seemed to be more painful' than being stabbed to death in battle. Was it the human part of him that kept his primitive nature at bay? That was what she wanted to ask, but Sesshomaru clearly wasn't fond of his little brother. From all of what she could remember being told.

But there is always three sides to a story. Inuyasha's side, Sesshomaru's side, and the truth.

"I can only speak for myself. Yes. I love to kill things if that's what you're asking? As a priestess you know better than to give me the benefit of the doubt. Tsk. I'm disappointed," He croaked.

"Alas, here I am. Under the circumstance of giving you the benefit of the doubt. You're not so bad. Still vermin, but not _too too too_ bad," She didn't smile but it wasn't an insidious statement.

"Perhaps that's your problem?"

"Lord Sesshomaru of The West, are you casting stones?"

"Not casting stones, just making an observation."

"Mistaking arrogance as honesty is your problem then I suppose."

Sesshomaru's eyes narrowed. The flames shimmered in his stare like flickering stars. He then closed his eyes and proceeded to say nothing more for the rest of the evening. Kikyou did the same. Spreading her body among the grass and sprawled out her limbs.

"I'm going to confess something to you. I don't expect you to say anything at all. Nor do I really want you to," She began and like she had figured, Sesshomaru didn't say anything. Not even give a single twitch to signal that he was listening.

"My life has always been quite unconventional and I don't believe it has anything to do with occupying myself as a priestess. I have more successes than failures, but my failures feel numerous and sad and irritating. And I guess what I'm trying to say...what I really mean is that I've never truly been happy. I can think of a moment, but I've decided that if have I to ponder on it then it must not have been happiness at all....Lord Sesshomaru I'm simply a miserable person and I don't know why. I've been cursed to forever be miserable. Even in death. Even in hell," Kikyou rambled ever so plainly. Blinking away her melancholy as she glared up into the sky. She dug her nails in the dirt.

"That's my confession. I've only ever told you. My reason being because I know after this we will never cross paths again and I'm pretty confident in believing that you don't give a damn. So it's easy," Kikyou  rested her lids with that. Allowing the night to pass over her and she fell into a corpse like slumber.

Little did she know, Sesshomaru did listen. And her reason wasn't irrational. He completely understood. In the grand scheme of things, he was irrelevant just as she was irrelevant. Their paths had crossed but not knotted together in a tangled fashion. He had no intentions of prolonging their experience. She did him a service and he was thankful. That was all and there wasn't a need for it be more. But he felt great sympathy for her. How sad her life must've been. Even he, cold as ice, could fathom a time when he was truly happy. Several times perhaps.

He didn't know much about Kikyou before she died. Only that his brother had taken up residency in a village and followed at the heels of a greatly respected priestess. And by the time he actually intended to speak with Inuyasha formally as a man, she had cursed him to the tree. He wondered what is was about such a self proclaimed miserable woman that Inuyasha found endearing. Maybe he was attracted to how well she feigned tragedy. Inuyasha was the type to be drawn to such a thing. She surely didn't remind Sesshomaru of Izayoi. Izayoi was plainly stupid but made up for it in flight and excitement. Kikyou was quiet, demure, and what a simple person would call mysterious. And by mysterious, Sesshomaru was keen on her unbridled sorrow that inspired her wisdom.

All in all, he understood.

He felt bad for her soul.

But there was nothing he could do. And he was sure there was nothing in the world that could rectify such poor luck.

x

x

The next day Sesshomaru had become anxious. He could no longer allow time to escape him. He woke before Kikyou and hovered over her seemingly lifeless body. Taking two claws and pinching the bridge of her nose. Her lids fluttered like butterfly wings as she came to. Opening herself like a flower under sunlight. Not completely brand new, but yesterday seemed distant.

"We must now waste anymore time. Get up," He stood, scanning the field. The sun was still rising.

Kikyou did as she was told but fought her drowsy state.

"Get on my back."

"What? What about your wounds."

He turned and slipped his hand under his robe. Revealing the pale expanse of his chest and abdomen. Not a single scar or bruise remained.

"The longer you just stand there a breathe, the longer you prolong my suffering," And it wasn't easy to ask her to ride on his back. It was absolutely degrading but he felt able enough to carry her through his speed.

For a moment, she hesitated but did as she was told. He kneeled and she climbed on his back. Wrapping her legs and arms around him. Remembering doing the same for Inuyasha. It was a strange pang of nostalgia. Bitter and didn't go down easy at all. A lump wedged itself in her throat. Before she could completely secure herself, Sesshomaru leaped into canopies. Her face crashed into the back of his neck, causing her to inhale the scent of his hair. White strands caught in her lips as she tightened her hold around his shoulders.

Akin to a time before when she first lost her breath, but the only thing different this time was the absence of plunging head first into the perceived notion of love. The absence of her betrayal.

For years Kikyou knew she would die young. It was feeling that she could've sworn she was born with. Nothing prompted her to ever feel that way, she knew. Like how babies knew to cry when something was wrong.

There was the absence of knowing that whatever feeling that blossomed in her chest would eventually murder her. She hid her face in the waves of his fine white hair. Not feeling so forlorn and empty. Admonishing whatever familiarity crept into her thoughts.

"If you fall off, I won't catch you." Sesshomaru stopped on the highest branch. Their heads peaking above the sea of leaves.

"I know." But she knew he wasn't going to let her fall. Just as she was sure that she was going to die.

x

x

x


	17. Forward

At some point, Kikyou had lost track of time. As they floated through the tree tops, she fell in and out of slumber. What shook her awake was the sensation of slipping downward and the sharp smell of rain. She blinked away strands of her hair tangled in Sesshomaru's, peering down as they came closer to the ground.

"Have we made it?" She muttered dreamily, but Sesshomaru did not answer. His feet thudded against the dirt and she unraveled herself from his body. _No, they had not made it_. But Sesshomaru stepped away from her and over the familiar dead bodies they had left behind. The reeking stench was caught between the fresh smell of damp leaves and soil. Which lessened the shock in his stomach. He stopped at the beheaded body of A-un and kneeled more hastily than he had intended.

The sky cracked and started a slight mist.

Flies had found a home in the dragon's nostrils and the various gaping holes in his body. What Sesshomaru had always thought was that losing someone or a thing would become easier, but it only seemed to chip away at him every time. Perhaps it had a lot to do with his unwillingness to accept failure. He hoped that's all it had come to. He hoped with much invisible passion that he was just bad at getting over it and that he simply wasn't succumbing to weakness in his old age. His eyes widened and sparkled like a lake at sunset as worms curled out of A-un's sores.

Kikyou remained in place as the summer rain came down harder. The thunder passed a moment or two before Sesshomaru removed himself from the dead dragon. He couldn't find it in him spirit to move A-un, let alone touch him. He allowed the body to resume its decay as he had resolved that his old companion looked peaceful enough. Moving him wouldn't give him a better peace of mind nor make the situation any less disturbing. Sesshomaru took slow steps back towards Kikyou with a paler expression. He stared at her with traces of rain carving out his features. His bangs sticking haphazardly to his forehead. She could not read him immediately and she worried. When he turned his eyes downward she made a gesture to reach out for him but he turned completely and her hands simply slipped down the dampness of his sleeve. The missed affection caused her to take a deep breath. She drew her fingers into a fist. Feeling witless.

"We live with our failures," Sesshomaru's voice startled her.

"That we do. You're right."

He looked at her over his shoulder. The side of his body that missed an arm and nodded knowingly. When there was no more need to linger, as the sky clapped at their unusual disposition, Kikyou assumed her position behind him. Throwing her arms over his shoulders as he dipped for her comfort.

As Sesshomaru forced his body back into the tree tops, he inhaled the invasive wind and rain. Deciding to not look back. He kept his attention forward. The horizon setting his goal in place. His failures far and few– that he reminded himself.

x

x

x

Beaten by the rain, their skin caressed each other through their soaked threads. As he landed, he stumbled as his foot wedged itself in the mud. The rain was a grey sheet beyond them as they squinted. Sesshomaru shook Kikyou free of him and took off first. She sprinted behind him as they headed towards the village. Sesshomaru knew where he was going, but he could only smell Jaken. He could feel his throat tangling in knots _because if it's not one thing it's another_. Sesshomaru chased Jaken's scent to the middle of the village until it lead him to a larger hut that glowed with from the inside. It's light somewhat sparkling under the hood of rain. He still could not smell Rin. He clawed through the straw entrance. Whipping it apart as he stepped inside and was beheld by a group of weeping women and disgruntled men. Jaken scrambled to the feet of his master and cried as though he had done him wrong.

"Where is Rin?" He asked with forced ease, but his blood boiled. Grinding his teeth, his eyes scanned the crammed hut. Jaken answered him to the best of his ability, but his words rolled like tides against a boat. Wrecking the wood and sending its passengers to the bottom of the sea. An older man stood amongst the crowed. Who Sesshomaru assumed was the village leader.

"They took all of the young girls," The older man looked at Sesshomaru with contempt. His eyes beady and dark with hatred.

"Who?" Sesshomaru narrowed his eyes at the man, who looked as though that he had personally wronged his people. Kikyou entered the hut and stepped around Sesshomaru. Mystified but she could sense that something was entirely wrong.

"Demons took them," He spat with validity in his hatred, but Sesshomaru's patience had died the moment he had to severe A-un's head. He didn't have the mind nor prudence to endure prejudice in what felt like a never ending dark moment. Between Jaken's cries and their accusatory eyes, being stuck in a vicious cycle of poor news drove him mad. Kikyou noticed Sesshomaru's clenched jaws and took it upon herself to mediate the interaction before it spiraled out of control.

"What kind of demons?" She interjected and the villagers shifted their attention to her.

"We can help get your daughters and granddaughters back," She turned the atmosphere skillfully with her soft voice and indifferent expression. Sesshomaru peered down at her darkly. _He had little intentions of bringing their girl children back. They could all fester._

"Speak for yourself!" He spat and she glowered back at him as a challenge.

"What makes you think that we can trust a woman who's companion is a demon?" The leader spoke again and they all agreed. She had heard that many times before and it was more of a challenge than a slight on her character. Sesshomaru grumbled and Jaken's cries subsided.

"I think having a demon companion makes me less of a coward," She echoed a distant memory. Sesshomaru wasn't Inuyasha, and she could attest that most of their ilk were savage.

"And that makes me capable."

"The bears took her, Lord Sesshomaru! I just couldn't...!!!" Jaken wheezed and upon the information, Sesshomaru left in a blinding rage. He'd become a cold wind against Kikyou and dissipated. Charging into the storm and the dwindling daylight.

Kikyou was left with a distraught Jaken and the mourning. They all surrounded her with as much credence as any doubtful man could muster.

"You don't have to trust him, but you can trust me."

Human girls went missing all the time. Most of them dead before the next day, some of them whisked away by loving something evil, and very few saved themselves and repented. Kikyou had saved a few but had buried many. The room filled with a desperate sense of hope. They didn't quite believe her but believing in something was better than accepting a pitiful ending. The leader approached her and they both shared a silent seal of approval. He bowed and she reciprocated. They all bowed and Jaken howled a louder than before.

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Gorou, on the high of his 'victory', had sent his men to the village for human girls to eat. At least she hoped that's what he had only intended to do with their bodies. Specifically girls who hadn't reached their womanhood. In order to celebrate his triumph amongst The King of The West.

Kikyou assumed that their village wasn't the only one attacked and that Rin just happened to be at wrong place at the wrong time.

Aside from their hope, they offered her a horse with bows and arrows. With Jaken in front of her, his guilt louder than the thunder, they rode off after Sesshomaru. At first, she had wished Jaken was sane enough to lead the way, but Sesshomaru left behind a trail of charred and destroyed trees. She headed deeper into the west as fast as the beast would take her. The rain never let up, but her body was made for the wear and tear. _She was made for suffering_. There was the lingering doubt that she had made a promise that she could not keep, and unjustly they would blame Sesshomaru.

She relived the slaughter of an entire village. It remained with her just a grippingly as her first love. And she couldn't imagine witnessing it again, yet here she was running right after it's disturbing possibility. This time it was more personal. Could she stomach a murdered Rin? Could she stand against Sesshomaru's true nature if they were met with such a fate? She hadn't the faintest idea.

Kikyou held on Jaken as he moaned thirty different apologies.

"Lord Sesshomaru is going to kill me," He whined with the storm.

"If he hasn't done it yet, I doubt it. It wasn't your fault."

"He won't see it that way...."

"Then I will convince him."

Jaken coughed a painful laugh. Hysterical and dry.

x

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Kagome followed a buzzing sound. Down and down and down a cave. With her flashlight in tow. She shivered as her soaked skin cooled in the darkness. The buzzing sound became louder the longer she wandered until she hit a dead end. The wall buzzed and she reached out to touch it. Pressing her wet face against its dampness. Dirt and grit sliding along her skin. The buzzing ascended into a violent hum and something held her against the wall. The vibrations were inside of her body. Rattling her organs and clogging the scream that wished to escape her.

But she was gifted with a vision of herself in the future. On rainy day, she could hear herself bickering into a cell phone. About something but nothing all the same. It was like hearing a song underwater. Her feet as she crossed the street like taps at the bottom of the ocean floor until a bright light shined unto her. And then all she felt was hard pain on her side that snapped her body in half.

The vision ended and she was freed from whatever was holding her against the wall. She slipped into a convulsion of writhing pain that did not subside until Sango found her and scooped her into an embrace.

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_Three life times worth of suffering. Each death more painful than the one before._

_x_

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	18. One in The Same

There for a time, Kagome said nothing. She shivered under the blanket as water dripped down her nose. Her face paler than snow. The fire crackled and shook as the wind blew rain into the mouth of the cave. She didn't want to be there anymore and Inuyasha sensed it better than the rest of the motley crew.

"What did you see, Kagome?" Sango urged her for the fifth time. Equally as cold and placid. All of them sharing empty bellies and half of her misery.

Kagome kept her eyes on the fire. Reimagining the pain that slivered throughout her body.

"I don't know." She whispered loud enough.

She was sure that there was something wrong with the cave. Something foreboding but dangerously familiar. As if she had been there before against her will. But she kept it all to herself. She hated worrying her friends. She hated burdening Inuyasha who watched her from the corner of his eye.

This time Kagome wanted to keep her sorrow a secret from him, for she had figured that she had given him too much of herself only to have her heartbroken over and over again.

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Before he could feel their flesh building under his nails with every lunge, he could smell the thick of young tears in the rain. Rin somewhere in between. Sesshomaru wasn't tactful in his attack. His rib cage housed too much fury to stalk his prey. He threw himself straight into the bloody pit and it worked to his advantage. Gorou's men weren't prepared for his ambush. They saw the trees toppling before they felt his claws in their throats. He plucked them passionately one by one before beating himself through the gate. No one stood to survive in his path. He hacked through a servant who was guilty by association. Somewhere in his madness, Sesshomaru received a cut or a stab but it wasn't enough to stave him. Sesshomaru's heart pounded and his feet stamped thunderously throughout Gorou's manor. Sesshomaru was surrounded by screams of terror, pain, and the rank of bear skin.

He fully caught Gorou's stench and ripped through the door that concealed his potency, but what Sesshomaru found was a half dead Gorou heaped beneath an expressionless Kagura. Who turned to stare at Sesshomaru glassily with a Shikon jewel shard wedged between her thumb and middle finger. Blood ran down her wrists and tipped across the floor. In a corner, a little girl missing a hand shivered with shock. Festering in her own blood and urine.

"You're not dead," Kagura said dryly as if the world around her wasn't putrid and ghastly. Her red eyes glistened curiously and a smile split her face. Sesshomaru lunged for her. His fingers wafted between the dark swirls of her hair as he caught her throat. She made a small noise but she allowed herself be strung by him. In the same way a child concedes to punishment.

"You've robbed me..." Sesshomaru hissed between his teeth. Gorou wheezed and moaned. His chest cracked wide open. Kagura had ripped through the bear with her own hands. Gorou's ribs protruded towards the heavens and when he took gasps of air the blood babbled.

"He didn't hold up his end of the bargain," She whispered. Holding up her bloody hands. She had torn through his chest to salvage the jewel shard.

"I did what my master ordered," She didn't quite reason with Sesshomaru, but there was underlying cynicism and pain within the shake of her throat, "but I wasn't instructed to end his life. Just to retrieve what is rightfully my master's."

And with that, with full ears, Sesshomaru released her with a gentle shove. Kagura looked as though it had been a cold act of hatred– the deceit of a lover. Sesshomaru brushed passed her to stand over the dying Gorou. Fastened at Gorou's waist were both of Sesshomaru's swords.

"It didn't have to be this way," Sesshomaru kneeled, staring into the seeping gaping hole. Gorou choked incoherently, hanging on to his last breaths. Sesshomaru allowed a moment of pleasant retribution to pass. Allowing it to soak into the floor, the walls, and stink the air before he raised his glowing hand and shoved it into Gorou's wound. His fingers coiling around the light thumps of Gorou's waning heart before tearing it from his chest. In one sweeping tug. Trails of blood twisting and spurting each way.

"Now what will you do, Lord Sesshomaru?" Kagura spoke softly. Gifted with an incredulous glower as Sesshomaru rose. Tossing the organ at his side. He muddled over his anger. With enough sense to murder Kagura right where she stood, but reminding himself that she had been helpful in a very small way.

"Survive," Like he had always done, "Survive until I kill your master."

She smiled even harder and Sesshomaru could not recognize what exactly brought the color to her skin. Kagura turned and resumed her act of duty. Vanishing into the shadows of the corridors where the screams remained trapped.

The now crippled village girl wept behind him and it was in that very moment that Sesshomaru reconciled with what made him a functioning being. He wouldn't dare call it an act of humbling or a moment of clarity, but it possessed him to turn around and face her with rare kindness. Cold and expressionless but not any less considerate.

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Kikyou sprung upon the death that riddled Gorou's home. Drawing up near the split gates, securing Jaken with a steady hand, her eyes scaled up the walls until she was peering up into the dark sky. The guards lied twisted and ripped open. Two of them still alive, but not for long. Sesshomaru's anger was a sight to behold.

"Stay here," Kikyou swung her legs off the horse.

"IN THE RAIN!?" Jaken choked above the thunder.

She dashed foreword, leaving Jaken's pleas to be drowned out by the storm. Stepping over the wounded and dead. If her heart could beat as it did a long time ago, she would've been able to hear it ring in her ears. It was strange replacing her lacking functions with memories. Once again, one thing reminded her of a certain thing and in its absence she had to summon her reveries. Though she wasn't sure which were better– actually feeling those things or simply remembering them? She hadn't known Rin for very long nor spent enough time with her, but she had attached herself. At first, it was merely her projecting her past insecurities onto the girl but now it was the same feeling she gathered when Kaede was born. That same feeling when she was unable to protect her sister from losing an eye.

When she entered the castle, the fire light shown just how transparent her clothes had become. Her skin was visible, her threads clinging to every flaw and curve of her body and not in the glistening fashion. With her fingers, she combed through her bangs, eyes darting left and right as she decided which way to challenge.

Sesshomaru showed little mercy to his victims. Some servants remained untouched, but the vast majority of them had been scared or murdered on impact.

"Where are the girls!" Kiykou demanded at a servant girl. Half bear and demon. Visible in the roundness of her ears and plain limbs. The only thing remarkably inhuman about her were her fangs and claws. She didn't need any convincing, the tragedy around her prompted her cooperation.

Kikyou was directed to right of the corridor. Hoping she wouldn't immediately run into Sesshomaru for the fear of her own life.  Not that she had expected him to hurt her, there was little he could do for that matter, but he'd instilled enough fright. And she was hotly reminded– _as with any demon_.

She slid open five doors before she found the one holding the children. With three flames burning, they were huddled amongst each other. Their eyes reflecting their doom, shaking with hopelessness. Rin's head bobbled among the many frightened girls as she darted from a corner. She bawled Kikyou's name. Tiny fists clinging to her wet clothes. Kikyou gathered her into her arms and squeezed to be sure that the moment were real. In spite of the echoing howls of the suffering behind them. The other girls followed Rin and spilled themselves helplessly around Kikyou.

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_"What's it like, mother?" Kikyou gaped at her mother's swollen belly. Her mother bit down on her bottom lip, squinting as she thought._

_"Well...." She began with a deep breath. Rocking back against the tree to balance herself, "At first, it's akin to a million butterflies in your stomach or maybe the slow unraveling of a flower petals."_

_Kikyou nodded eagerly. Cupping both hands around her mother's stomach._

_"But now, it's a warm sensation. I can never quite feel alone."_

_"Did you feel alone after you had me?"_

_Her mother's face, round like a full moon and glowing just as prettily, fell sullen. Her lips widening as she inhaled and relaxed._

_"Not so much alone. More like left behind. Or the idea I had created of you...." She trailed off as Kikyou's eyes faded. The thought of her mother being saddened by her birth was a concept that eluded her._

_"You'll understand when you have your own."_

_She noticed the sadness shadowing her daughter's features and quickly rose a hand to catch a tear._

_"But it faded with time....one day, Kikyou."_

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**_One day it will all make sense._ **

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The girls herded around Kikyou as she led them down the twisting halls. Their tiny feet pitter pattering with the rain, their hearts pounding with thunder. With Rin squeezing her hand, Kikyou led them to a clearing. A wide open space sweetly lit by candles. Lanterns swung as though the breeze had been trapped inside the madness. Untouched from all the dangers that filled up the damp spaces. Sesshomaru sat before them in Gorou's throne. The golden pillars symbolic of heaven. The green grass, tree limbs, and painted creatures leaped across the walls. Mirroring an old fable from her childhood.

Sesshomaru cradled a dead girl at his chest. His stare focused downward as though he hadn't heard the quick footsteps of the fifty or so children. And Kikyou had the right mind to not saying anything at all. Pulling Rin away from her eagerness with her fingers tightening around her balled fist. Blood soiled the front of Sesshomar's robe. From his chin and down. The look he wore neither Kikyou nor Rin recognized. The other girls shuddered and moaned in fear. Beguiled by their own imaginations and the gory sight of Sesshomaru.

"How many girls, Rin?" Kikyou muttered and Rin's face darkened as she fully understood the question.

"Only three..." She responded. Her tone lower than a mouse's sniff.

The world would be different for all them. Rin had seen enough, but the other little girls would leave Gorou's home changed for the worse. For years, they probably wouldn't smile and for that Kikyou felt like a failure. Even though it wasn't completely her fault, she could feel their perspective on love and life slipping with the color in their faces.

Something in Sesshomaru looked damaged too, but she had a sore inkling that it didn't have anything to do with the children nor the small dead body in his lap that seeped blood.

Whatever was to come tomorrow, the blood upon them would take years, possibly a lifetime to fully wash from their bodies.

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The ceiling of the cave reminded Kagome of a spine. Long, broken, and leveraging her insecurities above her head. The darkness breathed and she wondered how such a terrifying noise fell upon her the deaf ears of her companions. And with the stillness of her sleepless night. After much debating over what she had seen in the split second, Kagome had deduced that she had witnessed her own death.

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	19. Almost

_The feeling of water slipping between his fingers._

 That's the closest he had come to figuring out his feelings. Despite his conquest in all of its blood soaked glory. He quietly examined every inch of Gorou's former home– _the spoils of his victory_. The sunrise bled through the parting storm clouds. It's light piercing the droplets. Reminding him of the poison that still stunk on his finger tips. Glistening just as hotly as it seared away the flesh of many men. He could still feel the pressure of that little girl, with her chewed hands, against his body. Her features equally as prominent as his father's scowl in his memory. He looked unto her and knew that he couldn't help her. For the first time, Sesshomaru had recognized pain in a human and _knew_ what rooted around her bones.

Selfishly he wondered if he had looked that bad too.

"Lord Sesshomaru," Kikyou spoke behind him. Her voice like water cutting through stone. He turned to look at her. Enjoying the weight of his swords at his hips. Tenseiga, his father's heart, solidified a sense of security. Even if it couldn't slice through the thinnest blade of grass, he could feel the ghost of a pulse at its hilt.

Sesshomaru answered with a golden stare. Kikyou looked as though she could see into him as they stood in silence. Both of them waiting for the other to speak. Both of them wondering if it was even necessary. Sesshomaru could see every inch of her body. The damp cloths, with the intensity of a painters hand, outlined her silhouette. Her hair and dirt clung to her face as if she had been freshly plucked from her grave.

" _So_." Kikyou hummed.

"So?" He urged her. Eyes full on her face. Her lips reminding him of picked apart petals.

"How does one properly say goodbye. I never quite learned," Kikyou's voice was low.

"Sometimes it's better to say nothing at all," Sesshomaru's eyes wandered down the frailness of her neck, noticing the willowy expanse of her chest. It did not rise and fall with the swells of nature. As he thought harder about her, he realized she hardly ever seemed to breathe at all. He compared her deadness to the little girl's. Watching life seep from a body. He had done it many times before. With or without his fault. But seeing the translucence of Kikyou's skin, remembering the warmth recede from the girl's body– it haunted him. Sesshomaru had stepped through a window and the world was much different. _Was it something to be thankful for? This new perspective?_

"You're right," Kikyou finally spoke. She intended to return the girls to their villages. Each and every one. Personally she would see them returned to their families. There would be no more Sesshomaru or Rin. _And then_ she would return to a purposeless existence.

The sun rose higher and the light had shown through Kikyou's skin the way it spread atop water. Her dark nipples swollen, forbidden fruit. For a moment, for only a brief instance he considered her an intriguing spectacle as he mapped her veins the way autumn leaves welcomed dawn.

"Yes. I am,"  Sesshomaru retorted, tearing his eyes away from her. Counting their history as just that. History and nothing more. An experience he likened to the first time he kissed woman that he wasn't in love with.

Kikyou nodded and set off. Turning back into the casting shadows of Gorou's home no more. Neither one of them looking back. Neither of them really wanting to out of an unspoken fear or a pregnant unknown....

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**_Two Seasons Later_ **

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There's a time and place for some things. Like the premonition of her death in the middle of their weekend lunch ritual. As Asumi prattled on about a TV show, a show Kagome was seasons behind in, she chewed on her red straw. Absently dipping a fry in ketchup. Painting swirls along the napkin. As cars zipped down the street, casting light and shadows along her the table, their faces, Kagome flinched at the honk of a horn. The sound surrounding her until she heard her body crack against steel. And then the memory faded. Her eyes dulling. Asumi's chatter becoming just as ambient as the pecks of rain against the window.

"What's the matter, Kagome?" Eri interrupted Asumi. Yuka leaned in as she slurped loudly at the empty  cup. The ice rattled.

Kagome finally ate the fry. Blinking away the watery burn of her eyes. Her eyes darted between them. Their gazes as big as a clear summer sky. Full of wonder and excitement. They hadn't seen her weeks and for that alone she felt terrible.

"Is it that boyfriend of yours?" Yuka burped.

"He's not my boyfriend...." Kagome swallowed the fry and washed it down with her soda. As a single entity, Inuyasha wasn't the problem. But the obligation to him and the past lumped together with that wicked vision. She never thought that she would reach a point where she would regret her duty. She never dreamed that jumping down the well would become a chore. Sadly, it had. Inuyasha's feigned ignorance to quickness of her heart beats when he simply breathed near her, death clinging to her like smoke in a burning house every time she aimed at a monster, and seeing the future had taken the last bit of her optimism. The magic in stepping through time had been stolen from her and she didn't know how to communicate that to her worried friends. It was a feeling that no one in the world could possibly share with her. A loneliness that only the dead and near dying could feel.

"He's something!"

"Yea. He's practically stolen you from us, Kagome."

"You guys really feel that way?" Kagome exhaled as their eyes held her in a cage. If only they knew the gravity of it all. They all nodded in unison and clicked their tongues.

"I think you should dump him," Yuka shoved the rest of her hamburger in her mouth.

"It's not that easy."

"So he is your boyfriend?"

After a while, they'd forgotten all about the subject of Inuyasha as Eri entertained the most recent gossip. They all brushed Kagome up on people and things that she once knew. Things and people that once mattered.

It was life to know that one day one would eventually die. Death was a given, but knowing exactly how she'd kick the bucket made her lunch turn in her stomach.

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Winter had a way of making her feel less alone. The trees died. Bugs died. Plants and above and in between died. It was like walking through the spirit world. As she weaved around the naked trees, she inhaled three souls. Allowing their warmth to roll down her throat like hot tea. They'd burst in her chest and the feeling was second best to reaching the pique of passion. They were happy girls so their essence was filling. All of their memories tangled themselves in the sparkling lights of her closed eyes, and Kikyou sighed. Because it had been a long while since she had felt _decent_ , but the spirits were so warm because they were mere children.

Next to Rin, Sesshomaru crossed her mind often. Anything pale reminded her of him and every time she looked up to enjoy the moon, she found his eyes among the many stars. Rins fingers tangled in the pictures knitted by the clouds. Her happiness the stars cutting through the sky. A small smile cracked her lips as she adjusted the fur around her shoulders. She was cold but not in the same way a real living body felt frigid. It was simply a feeling without discomfort, but pretending to be alive kept humans from being suspicious. And her shivering gestures were echoes of the past. An act she had beaten into habit.

Ahead she noticed a figure hunched in the dirt. Wiggling beneath a tree where snow melted. The moans crackling like distant thunder. For a moment Kikyou hesitated. She sensed it was a demon but she couldn't stand the sight of _anything_ suffering. Her eyes scanned her surroundings to be sure that it wasn't a trap. When she had decided that she it was ok­– not safe but ok enough, she shuffled to the woman's side. Noticing her bare shoulders peppered in clumps of melting snow. Shaking with cold like a proper living thing. Kikyou kneeled behind her, reaching a hand for the woman's shoulder.

It was Kagura who she had turned into her lap. Blood dribbled down the corners of her pouty lips. Her red eyes paler. Her skin blue but not from the cold. She was dying and Kikyou had a ghostly feeling, a supernal knowing that there was nothing she could do to save her. Kagura's body shook with spasms.

"Naraku did this?" _Of course he did_ – Kikyou thought.

"He set me free," Kagura took a fistful of Kikyou's sleeves, "But at a price."

The icy wind cut through the trees. Violently whispering in a way she could only imagine as death coming to take Kagura.

"I should've known," Kagura cried.

"It's not your fault. He's despicable."

"That he is but I'm half of all the he is. Most of everything he deems weak."

Kikyou said nothing for she knew it was true. She silently cradled the lost part of Naraku. A cross of pity and sadness didn't go unnoticed in her features. Kagura simply laughed and by the way she shook Kikyou knew the effort was painful.

"I look at you and my heart swells. Just like his," Kagura whispered with strands of hair in her mouth. Kikyou's eyes responded with a slight shimmer but the cold wind burned. Freezing away the tears that collected in her lashes. Stinging the corners of her eyes.

"I often forget that I'm not a whole person. I'm Just a fragment of someone's misery," Kagura allowed a whimper to burn in her throat. She wasn't going to die crying. She wouldn't but _oh how her body ached_. 

"But you are a whole person..."Kikyou wondered why she was so moved. She held a warm piece of the man that ruined her life, but the good woman in her whispered a life is still a life. Regardless.

"I am not. And you know that, "It hurt Kagura to breathe. The blood ran under Kikyou's sleeve. Morbidly warming her body. The wind kicked up and the snow crossed over them the way the ocean swallowed dead bodies. Ruthless and sharp. The cold felt like daggers against their skin.

"Can I confess a thing. It is shameful," Kagura choked and Kikyou listened. 

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"So you've claimed his home as yours?" Toran stepped beside Sesshomaru.

"This place will never be my home but it will serve as a reminder," He grimaced as the cold stung his eyes. He had fashioned Gorou's home to his liking. Kept some of the servants. Employed new ones. Like a proper functioning lord. With Gorou's wealth he intended to rebuild what was lost. With hopes of returning. Sesshomaru had order Jaken and servant to deliver the message, with Gorou's head, to all of those who had opposed him and had been in favor of Gorou's slight. Including Bunko, whether she was an active participant or not.

"Does it not make your skin crawl? To live in a graveyard?" Toran wore clean white wolf skin and layers of deep colored armor. She allowed Sesshomaru to trail her through the snow. They had both been summoned to a human lord's manor.

"Are you not a warrior?" He looked at hard. She blushed and he noticed.

"I am," She murmured into her fur.

"Then you understand that death becomes just as familiar as supper at the end of the day."

"I suppose, Lord Sesshomaru."

They had been summoned in hopes for a protection pact. Which wasn't uncommon. This would be Sesshomaru's first time entertaining such an idea. To protect humans? But if he had intended to act as a ruler over lands, then he would do what was suited. Toran had become a useful ally in that they were both attempting to rebuild what was stolen from them.

Sesshomaru's mind weaved from Rin to his future, back to Rin, then Jaken and poor A-un. When he looked up to thick white that sheeted the sky, he also thought about Kikyou. For the third time since their parting. The grey expanse made the sky seem closer to the surface. In a suffocating way and he thought, innocently, if that's how Kikyou felt often. The snow flicked down and kissed at his skin. Melting like tears down his cheeks when they met his warmth.

Kikyou's pale features blossomed in his memory. How she stared off into space sullenly. Her words kind but absent. All of her gestures beaten like a forged sword. _It wasn't very flattering to compare her to the dull snowy sky_.

Even though his experience as a human was fleeting, empathy burned in his chest more often than usual. Life seemed more precious. Not more meaningful, but he was inspired to do better. For his father. For Rin. For Izayoi. Even Inuyasha.

And he had Kikyou to thank for the new found sentiment.

"When you go quiet, I do wonder what you think about," Toran spoke again.

Sesshomaru only sniffed. Keeping his eyes narrowed and ahead of them.

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	20. Missing Halves

Death could be graceful and beautiful. Kagura's lids were blue, her lips, and her fingertips. In a hauntingly gorgeous way– she was no longer a part of Kikyou's world. Even if Kikyou had the means to bury her, something told her not to. Kagura's body somehow fit under the naked trees. Her bangs and lashes peppered in snow. With her palms open. A reminder that she didn't die fighting. Kikyou had held her until she could no longer feel the warmth and to her surprise it took a long time for Kagura's flame to be completely snuffed out. Or perhaps she didn't mind holding on to something.

Her cheek fiercely pressed against Kagura's head. Her hands clutching the blood soaked and frozen stiff kimono. With the light gusts of wind, tendrils of Kikyou's hair cascading around them, she rocked and swayed.

How completely insane she must've looked cradling a dead body into night fall.

So she left Kagura's body to the snow. Leaving behind a prayer, hoping that winter would devour Kagura's secrets. And following such sadness came the beautiful thought of Sesshomaru. The way Kagura's lips trembled when she said his name would forever haunt her.

_Sesshomaru._

It echoed and rattled the forest.

_Sesshomaru._

It strung itself through the winds.

_Sesshomaru._

It took a moment for her feelings to catch up with her head.

Slinking further into her pelt, Kikyou picked up her pace. Stomping through the snow with the faintest idea of a destination. In hopes of a temporary distraction, she was heading north for a village surrounding a castle. A castle with a human lord and five daughters.

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Sesshomaru and Toran were both reminded why demons lived secluded if not in packs. Humans smelled of everything. Down to their sweat, they both could smell their past, present, and future. In their health and current emotional being. Illness on top with chickens and cows and horses. The smell of spices and boiling things slapped them with crippling nausea. Inks, dyes, and the tears of children. All crammed into space so large but seemingly so tight.

 _"Humans are like living, breathing constellations,"_ His father had said once.

Upon their arrival, they were immediately greeted by the Lord's guards and escorted through the dirtied paths. The looks they received only passing after thoughts. There was no need to curse the old man than spat at their feet, for they both could damn near taste his death in two days. Toran scoffed but Sesshomaru remained placid.

"Lord Rokujou is very pleased that you accepted his invitation," The older soldier finally piped. He'd been watching Sesshomaru out the corner of his eye– ready to strike, ready to die if need be. Fear seeped from his pores, but curiosity (as always) had his tongue swollen.

"We were happy to oblige," Toran spoke for them both. And that's what Sesshomaru liked most about her as a companion. She knew him well enough– she knew he wouldn't speak at all. Above that, she accepted the necessity of her presence. Even if she regarded his stubbornness with reproach. Ultimately Toran was the bridge between him, the humans, and the rest of the ugly world.

He reminded himself to thank her when they were alone.

"Are you both aware of the state of the lord's eldest daughter?" The soldier rasped. His voice becoming clipped by the screeching of chickens. But a distinct smell caught Sesshomaru's expression. A ghost, a feeling, instinct told him to look to his left.

"No, but I'm sure you mean to tell us?" Toran quickened her pace.

"She's been in the middle of bearing a child all morning."

"Typical," Sesshomaru snarled. Surprising all of his company. Through the shuffle of bodies and dull colors, Sesshomaru spotted her thin dark hair. Twisting under the curls of the wind as she leaned over to help a child stand. Typical. Kikyou of all people. Smelling of infinite death beneath a bed of flowers. So distinct among the scent of piss and illness.

 _He'd know her anywhere._ The thought made his stomach plunge as if he were falling.

"The child is Lord Gorou's."

And with that, Sesshomaru's frigid expression melted into a short smirk.

"What are you suggesting with this information," Toran cleared her throat. They were nearing the castle walls. The further they traveled into the heart of the village, the more sightly the villagers became. The stink was less and what they sold outside of nicely constructed homes was of value. Gold and ornate pots. Vibrant fabrics and beads.

"Well, Mi' lord is ashamed and intends to offer the spawn to you Lord Sesshomaru," The soldier stopped at the tall wooden gates. Looking at Sesshomaru with as much sincerity he could muster.

"For what?" Sesshomaru grimaced. Losing the view of Kikyou but her smell lingered.

"To do whatever you like." The gates parted.

"What if I don't want it?"

"Then no one will stop you from deposing of it as you see fit. Pardon me for not properly introducing myself...."

All else of what was said– eclipsed by the swirling darkness of Sesshomaru's thoughts. He came for a security pact. Not an abandoned child. Something about killing an infant chilled his blood. The child didn't ask to be brought into the world. He had no right to take it....

 _"If you wanted us dead, you would've killed us a long time ago,"_ Izayoi's words haunted him. Dead in his tracks, he stopped. Allowing Toran and the soldier he wouldn't regard with a name to ascend the stone steps.

This wasn't how it was suppose to be.

 _"It never does go the way we want, Sesshomaru."_ And that was the most horrid thing about living for too long.

The flags bearing Rokujou's sigil whipped against the wind and somewhere behind him Kikyou was tending to someone's life in spite of her own. Sesshomaru took two steps back before completely sprinting out of the wooden gates. Knocking over two guards, sending the torches of flames clattering against stone path.

_Kikyou would know what to do._

_Kikyou..._

x

x

x

Clutching a sack of rice, squinting between weaving arms, she saw him through the eyes of Kagura. The way she described the burn of his gaze, how it felt when he looked at her for too long. When he spoke he rarely looked away. Sesshomaru was undeniably handsome, but Kikyou had never been the type of woman to pay such things attention. Pleasures of the flesh, temptation, and all the things that made up being human she couldn't quite afford. Even now in her stagnancy. There was little need to desire.

But she understood how it must've felt. If her body wasn't cold, she too would feel her cheeks flush and the butterflies in her stomach.

"We seem to keep running into each other," He stepped around an old woman carrying a baby.

"You must be following me. Should I be flattered?" Kikyou couldn't unsee his glamour. Neither could the surrounding humans. Everyone quaked either in fear or terrible adulation.

"No. I always seem to bring trouble," He quipped. Towering over her. Completely drenching her in his shadow. The beams of sunset creeping between the straw canopies.

"Perhaps I have the cure. One day I won't," She smiled. Shifting the sack of rice on her other hip, she looked down at the puddle he was standing in. The snow was melting. If she were truly tangible, her heart would've melted too.

"Come with me," He demanded.

"Absolutely not!" Kikyou spat and the sack slipped from her arms. The rice spilling into the dirt and mixing with snow. She swore under her breath and immediately dipped to salvage what she could.

Sesshomaru thought deeply and long. As Kikyou combed her fingers through the dirt, a sudden feeling caught in his throat. The way the wind split her hair around her cheeks, the way in which the snow fell from her lashes– it was spellbinding and he lacked the desire to look away.

Kikyou noticed the difference in his silence. It was the look in his eyes that mirrored what she hadn't seen in a long time. Only then she remembered that men could possess such somberness.

"What is the matter with you?" She snorted, staring up at him. She wanted to help him. She wanted to help everyone.

"I have a task for you, or maybe a task we can share together," It was strange hearing himself, but Kikyou was the only person with the right solution for an unwanted human child.

After a long silence, Kikyou gathered herself and the rice. Raking her fingers across her lips to catch the strands of her hair, she nodded. Kikyou didn't emit smells like living things. If she were sad, angry, or filled with joy, Sesshomaru would only be able notice her feelings with the change of her demeanor.

It was jarring but nice not entirely knowing what went on inside of her.

x

x

x

* * *

 

**A/N: I know it's been a long time so instead of making this 5,000 words I will just stick to what I've been doing. At most 1,500. I have the whole other chapter started so it shouldn't be too long before I upload it. Sorry for any errors I might've missed. Review, follow, or fav. I hope you're ready for horrible feels.**


	21. Bereft

Kikyou had been in the presence of great lords and ladies before, but it was always under duress or secrecy. The way the castle subjects bowed before Sesshomaru, and the way he nonchalantly strutted pass them, as if they were mere shadows along the walls, struck her with awe.

But what completely wonderstruck her was the magnitude and beauty of the throne room. Lord Rokujou appeared to be an appreciator of the arts. All of the surrounding panels were covered in an old tale. Demons leaping through ponds. Dragon's curled around mountains. Beautiful women sleeping under trees.

"Lord Sesshomaru," Rokujou wheezed and all who surrounded him turned their attention to Sesshomaru. Glaring accusingly at Kikyou in her dirtied clothes as if she were an intruder. Or a source of bad luck.

"If you wished the company of human women, Lord Sesshomaru, all you had to do was ask. Peasant women are little to desire," Rokujou gibed. His laughter rattling his throat but his advisors seemed to shrink at his brazenness. Toran looked equally as confused, eyes darting between her companion and his stray.

"So you believe what you hear about the west, Rokujou?" Sesshomaru held no visible signs of vexation, but his blood boiled. His glare was a pointed end of a sword. The room swelled with a tenseness that caused Kikyou to shudder under her tattered pelt. The room was silent, save for Toran's releasing an exasperated sigh.

Rokujou understood his error and cleared his throat. Bowing his head, "I do not, Lord Sesshomaru. For many men have died for pandering to such disrespect."

"Indeed. Many have," And his father had died with them.

Kikyou wondered what ill gossip surrounded the west or if it was ever appropriate to ask Sesshomaru.

"You've just disrespected a priestess, who I've brought to help correct your faults," Sesshomaru began and the room was swept by gasps. Even Kikyou was taken by her introduction. She did not want visibility and a scowl darkened her face. She parted her lips to speak but two men groveled at her feet. Begging for forgiveness as the grabbed at her legs.

The entire time, Sesshomaru hadn't flinched. Nor looked at her.

"Forgive me priestess," Rokujou stammered as he stood.

Again, Kikyou's mouth widened to interject but Rokujou interrupted her by clasping his hands around hers.

"Please do not forge another curse unto my family. A great darkness has plagued my house and has made me just as ill as my daughter," Dribbles of spit escaped his cracked lips.

"What kind of darkness?" Kikyou resisted the urge to cringe and pull away. Her voice like an undisturbed river.

"That rancid bear soiled my daughter's name and filled her with the worst kind of shame!"

And before she knew it, she was swept down the corridors. Separated from Sesshomaru.

x

x

Suko was beyond reasonable beauty. Even under stress, huddled with her half demon baby, she reflected the great love affair between the lands and the sun.

"Don't let them take _him_ away from me," Her words tumbled, her lips trembled. She whispered him as if her born son was a festering evil. Kikyou was shoved into the room and she cursed Sesshomaru inwardly. She could heal the sick and stave away death, but a mother's love wasn't one to battle with. What had they really expected her to do?

Sucking in a deep breath, Kikyou stepped towards the Suko. As she kneeled, her rags spilled over Suko's glistening kimono.

"Is your son a product of love?" Kikyou reached to peel back the bundles of fabric to reveal the baby's face.

"That he is," Suko sobbed.

"Then what is it that you wish to do?"

"Keep him!"

But they both knew that in this world, good women would never do such a thing. They couldn't do such a thing. Love didn't build kingdoms nor stack wealth. Kikyou bit down on her bottom lip, brushing her fingers along the baby's pointed ears.

"Don't let them take him away– The Lord of The West can't have him. Such monstrosity knows no kindness..."

"And was Gorou not a monster as well?"

Their eyes locked in a petrifying silence. Suko lips wrinkled but Kikyou's expression remained vacant.

"He was good to me," Was all Suko had managed to say.

"Lord Sesshomaru is good to me too, but I won't let anyone take your child for I understand..."

"But do you love him? Your Lord Sesshomaru? Is what they say about him true?" Suko hissed. Deepening her son further into her bosom.

"No. I do not." And Kikyou was ignorant to what _they_ had to say about him.

"Then you couldn't possibly understand."

x

x

Rokujou was easily compliant and wished for nothing but protection from the other demon rulers. Toran conceding to follow such an agreement strengthened his trust in Sesshomaru. He could finally sleep soundly with two houses vowing for his protection in exchange for the goods he had available. Cattle, inks, servants,  dyes, and an abundance of food. Whatever Lord Sesshomaru needed until he could establish stability.

"What's it like finally participating in the interest of men?" Toran sipped the last of her tea.

"Exhausting," Sesshomaru looked down at his bowl of rice, cooked fish and cold tea.

"I think you're off to a good start. It could be much worse."

"Thank you for being generous, Toran."

Toran blushed. Her lashes fluttering. She sunk further on her knees, bringing her eyes from her tea cup to look at him. It was funny and strange. Both of them considering history now working together. Rebuilding what their fathers left destroyed.

"You're welcome...but I must ask who was that strange woman? She wasn't human. I've never smelled anything like her before," She searched his eyes for wayward emotion.

"Someone old and lost that I found," He said flatly.

"Let's not ruin our newfound alliance with dishonesty and withheld truths, Sesshomaru."

"Let us not ruin our aliance by not believing what isn't withheld."

"You're right, my dearest friend," Toran wiped her lips, sat down her tea cup, and rose, "Let us not tarnish this good start. I trust you."

Sesshomaru simply looked at her for as long as she stood there. Until she bowed goodnight and left for her assigned chamber.

Toran gently slid the door shut and pulled back like the ocean. Heavy with life and death. Burden on top of more burdens. Her thoughts suddenly poisoned by Kikyou's scent.

"Where is Lord Sesshomaru?" Kikyou peeped from the darkness. The candle light only revealing half of her face, but Toran could sense the firm line of her lips and the dead whiteness that thinned her skin.

Toran stepped to the side, gesturing her long armored arm towards the room. Her silver plated gauntlets reflecting the dancing blotches of fire.

"Thank you," Kikyou whispered and Toran caught the whiff of dried flowers on her breath. Emitting from her hair and shoulders as she passed the cat demon.

Trust. That's all Toran could do at the moment. If Sesshomaru trusted this thing, that wasn't human nor demon, then she would have to as well. Rumors were just rumors after all. So far, he hadn't lived up to them. So far....

x

x

x

"Am I to always clean up your messes, Great Lord Sesshomaru?" Kikyou settled herself across from him.

"You just happened to be at the right place at the right time," He sighed.

"Yet again," Kikyou stared at the tea pot. Remembering that it had been a while since she has tasted anything other than ghosts. Without hesitating, she poured herself a cup. Her fingers trembling from fearful excitement.

"Tell me what it tastes like," Sesshomaru balanced his chin in his only hand. Before taking a long sip, she smiled at him from behind the cup. A real genuine smile.

Two gulps. He watched her throat bob up and down.

"It tastes amazing. Like feeling the sun _all over_ in the summer," Because she was so empty, it was truly like an awakening after spring. She could feel it settle in her stomach. Warming her insides.

"Better than I remember actually– is it really all that good?" She continued to take small sips.

"It's alright."

"My body doesn't require an appetite anymore. And my hunger isn't palpable...or easily sated," She poured herself more.

"I didn't ask."

"No. You didn't but I know you've wondered."

"Hmm."

Silence. Between them. Throughout the castle. Sleepy silence that she could settle herself into.

"You've given me quite a mess this time, Mi'lord."

"I don't want the child. What did you suggest?"

"I suggested that she keep it."

"That won't go over very well with her father. He and the rest of the family are very adamant about getting rid of it. Yet they don't possess the will to kill the child on their own," Sesshomaru shoved the untouched food away.

"Neither do you I suppose?"

"It's not my burden," He didn't kill Inuyasha. He couldn't.

"I'm sure there are ways. She loved Gorou and I will at least honor that."

"How very unbecoming of you. A priestess of all people...."He scoffed.

"I loved your brother," She said sullenly.

**_Loved._ **

"You did. Enough to pin him to a tree for fifty years."

"I wouldn't expect you to understand. You've probably never felt anything like love."

"Is that an honest assumption, priestess? Or do you criticize me?" His eyes became lighter, fiercer. In a way that would make her feel hot. It wasn't an empty glow. Behind him, she understood that maybe he had stories, secrets, and tragedies of his own. Even if half of her wanted to disbelieve in them.

"Simply and observation, Mi'lord."

"Then you're wrong. About me and perhaps what you define as love."

They both stared each other. The wood creaked. The wind howled.

"Kagura is dead now." Kikyou swallowed.

"Hmm. I wonder what she did to irk her master."

"Kagura..she.." Kikyou allowed her name to weigh down her tongue. Startled by his crassness.

"She was in love with you." In a way it felt like she were confessing one of her own personal, painful secrets.

"I know," There wasn't a hint of remorse in his voice. It offended her, but she kept her lips against the tea cup. Blinking away her sadness, but Sesshomaru noticed her displeasure in the stiffness of her posture. Kikyou was cold but never in the way she sat and observed the world around her.

"She was in love with the idea of me rather."

"That doesn't make her feelings any less real," She raised her voice. Lowering the tea to her lap and not looking directly at him but around him.

"You speak as though I've rejected your feelings."

And that was enough to silence her. She bit down on her bottom lip, her shoulders began to shake with unchecked anger. But she wasn't quite sure why she was so mad at him. He wasn't there to rock Kagura into the afterlife. He didn't feel the way the heat slipped from her embrace. She was sure Sesshomaru had never seen love in the face of any woman before– but why was she so upset?

"There wasn't much anyone could've done about it anyway," She huffed. Setting the cup on the wooden floor and smoothing her fingers along her pants.

"I've offended you," Sesshomaru exhaled deeply. His stare unrelenting. She could feel his eyes crawling up her skin.

"Perhaps," Kikyou's lashes fluttered.

The winter wind shook the walls. Whistling between the cracks in the wood, the eroding holes in the stone. Somewhere in the coldness of his features, she could read a silent apology. His eyes softened for a fleeting moment and he looked away.

He was composing something to say. It wasn't his fault that he didn't love a stranger back. It wasn't his fault that she was stupid enough to fall for the little words he'd ever spoken to her. The longer he remained quiet and thoughtful, the inclination lessened. He resolved that it was better to say nothing.

And Kikyou couldn't blame him. She shouldn't have expected anything different, because she wasn't exactly sure what she wanted from him. _Maybe to not be so predictable._

"Well I've become quite fatigued," She stood up.

"Goodnight," He said hastily. Sesshomaru focused his attention on the bright torches. The flames bending each time a chilled sliver seeped from the walls.

"Goodnight," Kikyou slipped into the halls, gently sliding the paneled door shut. She stood there in the darkness. _Waiting for him to be unpredictable_. And they both were quietly aware of her lingering. But Sesshomaru remained seated on the cushion. Staring dreamily at the candles as the wax dripped onto the floor.

Each thick droplet, every thud was a passing moment. Each moment he failed. And before the last plop of wax, Kikyou was gone.

x

x

x

Morning broke with blood curdling screams and feet stamping outside her door. Kikyou immediately tore herself from the sheets. Her fresh white kimono hanging loosely from her body as she stumbled towards the door. A servant ran passed her clawing at her hair, screaming an incoherent prayer or curse. The sound of her voice stripped raw by tears.

Kikyou knew instantly that something had happened to Suko. It was a gut feeling and her limbs turned into liquid. _The dangers of a mother's love is infinite_. And Kikyou followed the bustle of commotion to Suko's room. Servants came in and out, screaming for Rokujou. One of Suko's sisters had fainted in the arms of guard.

When Kikyou's presence was noticed, they cleared the path. Bowing and muttering their mild insanities. Before Kikyou could enter the room, a woman dressed regally, who could only be another one of Suko's sisters approached her with a hard slap across the face. Kikyou stumbled back in shock.

"YOU'VE CURSED US! YOU WITCH!" She screamed plenty of other things as Kikyou shoved passed her to witness the blood that darkened the floor.

x

x

x

* * *

**“With you, intimacy colours my voice. Even ‘hello’ sounds like‘come here'.” ~ Warsan Shire**


	22. All That Isn't Left

Death followed her and she was the harbinger of misery. She couldn't be convinced otherwise. She was beyond consolable as she stood, swaying. Petrified by the ripped hole in the baby's stomach. It's tiny face and fists frozen in time. Stuck in that moment of writhing in pain. And Suko had plunged a dagger into her abdomen and bled out through the night. As if Kikyou had witnessed the horrid deed herself, she allowed her imagination to haunt her.

They continued to scream and moan behind her, but fear kept her in place. She felt that if she would turn around, they would all realize just how transparent she was. They would be able to see the curse swirling under her skin.

A hand curled around her shoulder and she shook upright. Glaring up to see the pretty face of Sesshomaru's companion. Whose name she had not bothered to learn. And maybe that was for the better.

Her pale strand of light hair clung around her face as if she too were awoken by the harmony of sorrow.

"She was beyond saving," She leaned down and whispered in Kikyou's ear. Seemingly unfazed by the red death that seeped into the wood.  As if she had seen this a million times before.

And Kikyou snatched herself away from the tall demon. Her mouth split with horror– eyes gaping. She took three steps back and brought her hands to her face. One step and she hesitated as she raked her nails down her cheeks with abject sadness.

The demon stared back at her with her piercing blue eyes. Emotionless. Completely unsurprised.

She's not human, Kikyou reminded herself.

But neither was she....

Kikyou threw herself through the crammed bodies. Sprinting down the halls until she found a way out. If she stayed any longer she would suffocate. If she stayed any longer Rokujou would suspect that she was in fact the curse that emptied itself in his house.

x

x

Rokujou's head hung pitifully under their silence. The madness subsided into a coldness  that was more frigid than the season. Toran was just as horrid at the art of consolation as he, but they knew Rokujou had known better than seek a peace of mind from demons. Loss is loss– demons handle it differently. They don't cry. Most don't know how to. Many are incapable.

"Did he suffer?" Rokujou looked up at Sesshomaru, and it took him a moment to figure out just who had supposedly suffered.

"Indeed he did." Although Kagura had beaten him to Gorou, there was the satisfaction in finishing what was left of him. But the longer Sesshomaru thought about it, he realized that maybe Naraku had intended for him to remain alive. Long enough for Sesshomaru to discover him.

It was a sign.

And the sheer idea of Naraku asserting power inspired a scowl.

Gorou's death was not a victory. It was bait.

"I will die bitter. My soul already tastes hell," Rokujou muttered.

"I don't blame you for avoiding forgiveness," Toran spoke to Rokujou's surprise.

"They say it takes a only strong man to forgive, but I don't think that's quite fair. It takes just as much passion and will to hold a grudge," She pressed on.

"So what you're saying is that there are two different types of men?" Sesshomaru glared at her in a way that made her skin tingle.

"I think she is," Rokujou's held the semblance of the moon. Old and wise.

"Has the priestess not blessed you?" She asked.

"She is nowhere to be found, I'm afraid. The sins of my family were much too horrid for her own eyes...I suppose..." Rokujou stared directly ahead of him. At one of the beautifully painted walls. Sesshomaru gathered an alertness about himself. His scowl deepening.

"What do you mean she's nowhere to be found?" He could still smell Kikyou but he hadn't noticed the distance of her scent.

"Can I blame her? Who would mourn the loss of such a stupid girl who gallivants with evil? My daughter's soul was doomed the moment she decided to seduce a demon."

x

x

x

All of the wide open space reminded her that she belonged nowhere. She never truly had– the life of a priestess was lonely. The reverence, the fear, the praise was worth nothing. Even alive, she only meandered in and out of people's lives. She remembered wishing for someone to heal her, to pray for her. And Inuyasha did those things but it wasn't enough. Something in her will always remain hungry or tired.

Defeat wrapped around her. Tangled in the bitter cold that slithered up and down her skin. _Oh where will you go?_ She thought to herself. _There is no end to this world_.

The peasants eyed her with suspicion as she sauntered to absolutely nowhere. In her thin kimono as the snow gusted between the warm bodies. Their breaths caught in the wind, they shivered. Someone whispered 'demon'. Another belched 'ghost'. And somewhere 'lost spirit'. She was none of those things.

A cold hand, fingers wrapped around her wrists. Yanking her between two decrepit huts. Her back thudded against the wall and the snow that settled, the ice sickles, came crashing around their feet.

"Leave me alone. Stop haunting me like a ghost," She huffed. Delirious with woe. She snatched her hand free from Sesshomaru's grasp.

"Where will you go, Kikyou?" Sesshomaru said evenly. Flatly. And she immediately took offense. How could he behold her with such a vague look in his eyes? Only a true evil could feign such curiosity.

"Why? Why does it matter?"

He hovered over her with equal resolve. Purely as an act of defiance. Simply to displease her.

Why did it matter? It ultimately didn't. He took a deep breath, tearing his eyes away from her. Peering back at the nosey humans.

"You don't have to wander aimlessly, Kikyou."

Beneath the shadows, under the grey sky, Sesshomaru's eyes burned. Even though he wasn't looking directly at her, something inside of her pieced itself together. As if his eyes had been shooting stars leading north, south, or east or west. Leading her far away from what she had become accustomed to.

"Please tell me Sesshomaru– what is it that they say about you?"

He dropped his glare back unto her. Narrowing his eyes, the corners of his mouth twitching. She looked so frail and tired. Her bony shoulders peppered in snow. The white kimono hung ill fitted. He hadn't realized how waif she looked.

"They think that I am like my father." And that dogs are most loyal to the scum that is human. Especially human whores.

It meant nothing to Kikyou. Her eyes became glassier and her shoulders fell.

"Was your father a good man?" She asked. Her voice trembling low.

"Yes." The wind stung his ears.

"Then what is so wrong with that?"

He straightened himself. Placing his hand over her head, digging his nails into the wood, leaning down to her eye level. For the first time he witnessed her shiver as if she were truly wilting from the icy air. In the manner of young coy girls, she looked away. Resting her eyes at his throat. She couldn't look at him.

"Why does it matter?"

"Exactly. Why does it, Lord Sesshomaru?" She drew up her shoulders. Letting her fingers loosen from the folds of the kimono. She gazed at her reflection in his breastplate. The distorted mirage of her pity spreading across his chest as she lifted her hands to rest against the metal. She sprawled her fingers and pressed her palms flat. Tempted to reach under his armor to feel living warmth.

"Where will you go?" He asked again.

"Everywhere and nowhere. All the same. Have you not learned that I'm bad luck?"

"Does it ever stop? Do you want it to?"

"What are you offering, Sesshomaru?" Fluttering lashes, wet with melted snow, she gazed up at him. Her eyes muddy puddles. Her expression like a cracked mirror. Sesshomaru's hair fell over his shoulders as he unraveled himself. Dragging his nails down the wood till his wrist rested on her shoulder.

"Why is it so hard to say so?" She whispered.

"If you already know then I needn't say."

"What if my assumption is wrong?"

"Then perhaps I'm not as transparent as you'd like to think."

Their surroundings deafened. The world receding away from them. Peeling back the mystery of their fates. In her eyes, Sesshomaru found the darkness comforting. And he decided that he could step inside of her, fall completely into the absolute unknown without the anxiety of his curiosity.

"Do you believe your four walls are enough to contain me?"

"It's better than being listless in the snow."


	23. Wind Over Water

_All the time in world._

The phrase didn't apply to her anymore. Kagome bent time and reshaped it. She didn't have to play by the rules. Whenever she returned to the future, she would look for traces of her friends in the past. And it had never really occurred to her that they were dead. As she hung her legs over the well, taking a deep breath before plunging back into the past, she thought about how at the moment all of them were dead and if they were reincarnated, they were completely different people. Dead. Dead. Dead....

And she was preparing herself to fall into the swells of their life.

Sinking back into the past was what she imagined blood pumping through veins is like. A cool spell of beautiful necromancy, the moon rising and the sun setting in reverse.

When she made it on the other side, she would gasp for air. Reborn.

She was alive in the past and already dead in the future.

x

x

"You're awfully quiet as of late, Kagome," Sango spoke after a prolonged silence.

"Haven't had much to say. I guess I'm just really tired," Kagome faked a smile.

x

x

x

x

x

"Kikyou?" Rin bobbed her head back as Kikyou combed through her hair. She responded with a small noise.

"Are you here forever?"

"Forever is impossible, Rin." Kikyou's hand stopped at the ends of Rin's hair. Stunned by the question.

"Lord Sessomaru has lived forever."

"Well that's not quite true. His life is long but it won't last. That's not how things work. Nothing will last forever," She said in a hushed voice and Rin became quiet. Her mood dipping and it reflected in her tension.

"I'm here for as long as Lord Sesshomaru sees fit," Kikyou sat the comb down and placed her hands on Rin's shoulders. Gave her a little squeeze. Rin turned to face her with a curious glow about her. Wordless, she slowly nodded her head.

x

Sesshomaru came and went. Leaving Jaken to help the castle thrive. The tiny imp took pleasure in making the demands. He scuttled about with the viciousness of a mad ruler. Promptly dismissing new servants for breaking the tiniest of bowls. Many wayward demons, low in status, came in droves to serve the revered Sesshomaru. All eager to meet him, to deconstruct or strengthen the gossip the poisoned his legacy.

But the great demon had been gone for days. Kikyou had stop counting the sunsets.

"You miss him too. Don't you?" Rin had appeared at her side as she stared out at lanky demons stacking stones. Jaken lobbing them with his staff when they moved too slow for his liking.

"What?" Kikyou blinked.

"Do you miss Lord Sesshomaru, Kikyou?" Rin tugged at her sleeve.

Her place in all of the fresh chaos was confusing. Sesshomaru had opened his home for her, but without a purpose. She simply took up space. And the new servants floated pass her, seemingly unaware of her. Or they were good at hiding the curiosity. She would bet on her mother's grave that her presence exceeded the walls. _The Lord of The West has taken another human ward– or whore._

"Yes. Perhaps I do, Rin," Kikyou finally replied.

"You looked sad. He will be back soon," Rin took her hand and smiled up at her.

"Yes he will," Kikyou hadn't internalized it until then, but she did begin to miss Sesshomaru's cold stare. She wondered how long things would stay in order before the servants rebelled and overthrew Jaken the tyrant.

x

x

Dawn was the only part of the day she looked forward to. The bright pink that bleeds into the dark west, it is then when the lands seem whole. Never any traces of evil or the righteousness of good. Kikyou waited for her silver dragons in the melted snow and mud. As the dew trapped in the tangles of branches capture the sparkle of the sunrise,  she raised her hand, catching the warmth in her palm. Shielding her empty eyes from shimmering orange. She also loved day break because the sun looked bigger climbing the east.

"Do you dream?" His voice pierced the chirping of the early birds, and her body betrayed her mind. She melted into a simpering fool.

"Not always," She turned to Sesshomaru. The sun kissed away all traces of shadow and ice from his face. His eyes reflected fire. If he were the kind of man to smile, she would've crumbled to her knees.

"Not enough to keep you sleep?" He ran his hand through his hair as the wind tussled his webs of silver.

"When you're dead, there is no need for sleep."

"Dead? If you were truly dead then I would be able to see right through you."

"Well– think of it as a state of mind."

Sesshomaru stepped closer. Their eyes locked through the tangle of her windswept hair.

"A depraved mind. Is that what you're confessing to, Kikyou?"

"Is that what you think?"

"It's what I know."

Her eyes dropped to the perfect line of his lips, and she understood why demons were shells of debauchery. She hadn't seen it with Inuyasha, but gazing at the gorgeous Sesshomaru in the daylight, she saw the most carnal inflictions. Primitive passion that destroyed kingdoms. She recognized danger that couldn't hurt what was already damaged.

Sesshomaru couldn't read her slightly opened mouth. She was a flower with a scent that only left him mystified. He contemplated the coldness of all the deeper parts of herself. Where normal woman radiated heat, Kikyou only left unmapped finger prints.

"Maybe I am depraved. You could cut me open and find out," She whispered and somewhere distant a bird snapped a twig, "...discover just how rancid and ugly I truly am on the inside."

Sesshomaru, gentle as his hand would allow, snaked his fingers around her frail neck. Catching strands of her hair. His thumb traced her jaw line.

"I want someone else to witness just how unsalvageable I am. How entirely unholy I've become," She placed her hand on top of his. Her fingers looping around the gaps.

"Don't ask for things you do not truly desire," Sesshomaru's features softened. The sun was higher and engulfed them in phantom embrace. She allowed herself to become seduced again by a much wickeder force. Sinking her face into Sesshomaru's hand and kissing his palm.

As if they were missing pieces, Sesshomaru's body bent over her. She took his hand, wrapping his arm around her waist. Throwing her free arm around his neck, she rose on the tips of her toes. He received her lips with equal agony.

 _So this is what happens when two people finally come together_ –  he thought to himself.

Her lips were cold as death. Sent shivers down to his ribcage. Her chill spreading in his chest and numbing him bitterly. In the best kind of way. If it were possible, he'd keep the feeling forever. She stole the air from his lungs and just as he was beginning to become used to her spell, she pulled away hastily. Her eyes wide and wet lips trembling with fear.

She could feel her soul catchers nearing and she didn't wish for him to see her at her most vulnerable. For she did not take joy in eating the finitely dead.

"You shrink away after asking me to gut you open?" He did his best the mask his desperation. The sensation of her alone could sustain him.

His breath warm on her face, she shivered. Breaking away from him clumsily.

"I wish to be alone," She muttered, wrapping her arms around herself.

Sesshomaru did not beg and grovel for anyone, his initial feelings rippled across his face, but he straightened his back and gathered his wits. Simply nodding.

"As you wish," And he turned away from her. Vanishing into the trees with furious speed.

x

x

x

The days wasted themselves. They wouldn't speak to each other. From the outside, it looked fairly normal. Sesshomaru regarded everyone with aloofness. Even his ward, Rin. Kikyou was no one in house. There was no reason to question her appearances in the spaces Sesshomaru occupied.

The Lord of The West passed her without blinking, and she found comfort in ignoring what transpired in the fields. _But was it really what she wanted?_  When he did address her, he spoke at her with such sharpness, it stung. _How long would she really be ok with that?_ Yet, he was that way when they met. Rin kept her occupied enough so that she wouldn't have to think about his mouth. Jaken ordered her around until she had no time to sit and be idle.

It took one strange night to break her anxiety. Her feet quietly thumped against the wood as she searched for Rin.  Holding a lantern as she crept through the night, she stumbled across a wide open room. With a tall woman stepping from the door way. Her hair whiter than snow, her skin paler than ice. Silver swirls of hair neatly fell around her face. Kikyou gasped at her sudden appearance. Clutching her chest as a frightful reflex.

"Ohhh, I like the way you smell," The demon purred. She stepped fully in front of Kikyou who stepped back. Admiring the moon settled beneath her bangs. She reached out for Kikyou with swift grace. Grabbing her cheeks, her claws pinching her skin. The demon leaned in and took a deep exhale.

"What a strange thing you are. Has my son been hiding you on purpose?"

x

x

x


	24. The Afterlife

"I can assure you that I'm no stow away," Kikyou drawled. It wasn't as if the devices of the world would allow her to hide.

Stepping out from the warm glow spilling into the hallway, Sesshomaru stood beside them– faintly scowling at his mother with reproach. But like any wild ancient beast, Mego wasn't going to release such a rare delicacy without intense persuasion. Her nostrils flared and she crossed herself.

"She doesn't fear me!" Her lips crinkled into a frown.

"What exactly is there to fear?" Kikyou whispered loudly.

"You're the most unpleasant guest, mother," Sesshomaru sighed between his teeth. Mego released her. Her gaze narrowing at Kikyou, not looking away.

"I wouldn't be so unpleasant if you didn't surprise me so. You know I hate surprises."

With the reverie of a fluttering heart in her chest, Kikyou stormed off. Whipping her hair over her shoulders, making the effort to not look directly at either of them.

"Sesshomaru?" Mego hummed over the stifling quiet. She remained enraptured with Kiykou's scent. Her eyes glimmering until Kikyou was no long in sight. Sesshomaru released a throaty moan and scratched the tip of his nose with a claw.

"You and your father with these strays..." She flipped a sleeve at him, swinging her hips, tossing her tendrils as she floated around him. Her jewelry clattering as she fluttered back inside of her dimly lit room.

Holding his breath, grinding his teeth– his attention followed her. But he lingered in space. Resisting the urge to follow Kikyou. Ignoring the prickly sensation of ice she'd left him with. Silencing his guilt, smothering his subconscious.

"She was once," He spoke.

"Once? Poor thing. To be given the gift of death only to have it taken away from you. How terribly sad." Mego sunk to her knees. Her layers a pool of cool colors around her.

"I don't disagree."

"What use is she to you?"

He hesitated. She noticed and looked over her shoulder with a quirked brow. Eyes wide, lashes sweeping. The longer it took him to answer, the crueler her simper. Shadows danced across her face.

"You've never been good at minding your own business," Sesshomaru quipped. Rivaling her vexation.

"My own son, my only child can't pique my interest?" Her cadence was sharper than her fangs.

"Like a cold breeze, you always manage to slip between the tiny cracks– as you please, you come and go...."

Under the twinkle of the lit candles and lanterns, something in her eyes came to life.

"Have I hurt you? Is that what you're insinuating, my sweet boy?"

And he wanted to say _oh in many different ways_ but it didn't feel right. He had accepted her for who she was a long time ago. If centuries couldn't change her, surely now wouldn't either. He was angry that no matter how plain faced he remained, how steady he spoke, she could see behind it.

"You bother me," He responded dryly. A toothy smile cracked her face.

"For a while you had me fooled. I thought you would be different than your father but I think you are more of his design than you like to admit."

Both of his parents hurt him, but he had grown to realize that there is no proper way to raise a child. He grimaced at the thought of his father, then Izayoi and Inuyasha. They'd been hurt too. Victims of his father's carelessness just as he'd been a victim of his mother's flippancy.

"I know what they say about you. Does it get under your skin?" She poured herself a cup of tea. Her bangles whistling as they slid up her wrist. Sesshomaru resolved to ignore the question and she continued to test the waters.

"They said the same thing about your father. Even after years of being in his past, somehow it was supposed to matter to me. What was her name...?"

"Izayoi."

"Yes. She wasn't the first. She just happened to live long enough to spawn his seed. The first killed herself, the second murdered by the hands of her own father, and the third vanished into thin air."

"I didn't ask."

"You never do. That's your problem. You never ask for anything. It's ok to ask. Ask away," She sipped gingerly.

"Your visit has left me exhausted, mother."

"Do you want your arm back? I can't stand the sight of you being lame."

x

x

_Who was this strange woman that crept and crawled around the castle?_

_Far from human. Far from wicked._

The whispers clung to her like smoke. And where there's smoke there's fire. All around her, as she strutted pass them with balled fist, their burning accusations, curiosity tormented her.

_Who was this strange creature that Lord Sesshomaru was hiding in plain sight?_

Their guesses were as good as hers. Who was she to Sesshomaru? Who were they to each other? Kikyou realized she'd been walking in no particular direction and she stopped a gangly servant with the face of a frog.

"Where is Rin?" Kikyou grabbed his shoulder and he shuttered.

"Fast asleep, Mi'lady," He quavered.

Knowing good and well that Rin did not sleep so early in the evening, she lingered with a nod before heading off in the direction for Rin's chamber. When she arrived, she was met with a wide awake Rin. Sitting straight up and staring at the dark wall. Staring in the blackness of her own shadow.

"The early bird gets the worm," Kikyou stepped inside, sliding the door shut behind her. For a while too long, eerie and unbecoming, Rin hadn't responded. She continued to gaze at her shadow. The sheets crumbled in her tiny fists. Kikyou opened her mouth to say her name, but Rin finally spoke.

"I don't think I will like it here very much," She said quietly. Looking up at Kikyou. In the darkness her eyes looked like two black holes.

"Why do you say that?"

"I feel like I'm going to be stuck here forever. I don't know why."

"There's no such thing as forever, Rin."

"The blood didn't wash from some of the walls."

Kikyou muddled over Rin's mortified expression. She settled on her knees next to her. Her eyes cutting from Rin to their shadows mingling together.

"Rin...what do you mean when you say you'll be stuck here?" She had a sneaking suspicion that filled her with dread. Had she touched another innocent thing only to have to corrode before her very eyes?

"The blood will always be all the wall," Rin muttered, barely audible. And something in Kikyou knew what she meant. There was a parallel horror sinking it's way deep into Rin.

Children understood death, but only few were familiar with its absolute tangibility.

"Give it time to pass," Kikyou squeezed her shoulder.

x

_x_

_But the feeling never went away with her. It only made itself small in the embrace of Inuyasha._

x

x

Rin was right. The next morning Kikyou stood at the top of the stone steps that lead into the castle. There was blood, vigorously smeared but still there. In some pockets of the castle, along some of the carved pillars. The blood would be there forever unless Sesshomaru felt compelled to smash, tear, and burn them down. But Sesshomaru would never look at the splotches of death hidden around Gorou's old home in the same way. Everywhere is a graveyard to demons.

She convinced herself that she had rubbed off on Rin, and contemplated leaving. Yet running away never fixed anything.

"I understand what you are now," Mego's voice carried over her shoulder with the flecks of snow. Kikyou turned to face her. It was like looking at a broken constellation meant to mirror Sesshomaru. Leaving traces of his likeness but emphasizing his absence all the same.

"I've seen it before. Once. Do you know who brought you back to life?"

"Unfortunately, I do."

"It can be reversed."

Kikyou was interested but pretended to be unfazed. Shrugging her shoulders, tucking a windswept lock behind her ear.

"There's and island at the very end of the south," Mego crossed her arms, "At the end of everything we know to be tangible. The other side of the ocean. Unfathomable to humans, but you stopped being _that_ a long time ago."

"Are you assuming that I'm unhappy the way I am?" Kikyou yawned.

"If I've misjudged you then pardon me. I didn't think women sought the company of my wayward Sesshomaru. He's incredibly rude and ungentlemanly."

"Not as talkative as his mother though."

His mother smiled brightly at that, slinking into her thick white fur and turning away slowly.

So there was a cure to her torture? Excitement blossomed in her chest and she began to bite on her nails. If she left, no one would notice immediately. _I could leave right_. Though it all seemed too easy. There had to be a catch– the adventure itself must be tedious. Standing between her and the south was looming Naraku and what she could be leaving behind.

Perhaps the trip itself would be easy, but not saying a word to Rin nor Sesshomaru would be the hard part. _It doesn't have to be hard if I don't say anything at all_. Kikyou looked back at the castle. The rooftops lapped in snow. The shuffling of many lowly demons.

_I don't have to be here and once I'm put to rest I won't have to remember a thing._

x

x

"The truth is even better than the gossip," Myoga chuckled.

"What have you observed to be truth?" Sesshomaru rolled his eyes and massaged his temple. His new subjects bowed and Sesshomaru longed for his old sedentary lifestyle. He had the burden of many eyes and mouths now– realized that he had taken obscurity for granted.

"Out of all the many women in the world, why Lady Kikyou?" Myoga's voice is muffled under the fall of his hair.

"She's been helpful," Sesshomaru wandered into dead garden. Speaking of Kikyou, he hadn't seen her all day.

"When has a priestess ever not been helpful?"

"Does it matter, Myoga?"

"Everything you do matters, Lord Sesshomaru. You've never been a spontaneous person."

Sesshomaru then noticed he hadn't seen Rin at all either and he inwardly growled at himself. _Was it too late to burn this horrid place down and return to a simpler time?_ He had never considered the sacrifice of Rin's company. Myoga cleared his throat realizing Sesshomaru's distress.

"Your brother is north."

"And why should that concern me? We are in the west..."

"Are you not interested in keeping up with your brother and his progress with the jewel shards?"

"If he hasn't died, I rather not hear anything about him at all."

"This wasn't what your father had in mind..." Myoga sighed and that was when Sesshomaru picked him from the nape of his neck. He flicked the old wise flee to the ground, raising his foot to stomp on his tiny body.

"Lord Sesshomaru," Kikyou snapped a twig in her hand. Instead of squishing Myoga with his foot, he took his heel and brushed snow over his body.

"You look insanely pale," She chided.

"Paler than you?" He was flustered.

"Probably not that pale," Her voice trailed off as she thought about Rin. _Should she tell him? She should. Yes._

"I think Rin is haunted by personal ghosts," She kept her head lowered.

"Aren't we all?"

"You don't understand...like I feared."

"Well, that's what she has you for," Sesshomaru huffed.

"What if I wasn't here? What will you do?"

He hadn't thought that far and it showed in his face. She mirrored his incredulous surprise.

"Do you intend to leave, Kikyou?" A life after her, he hadn't fathomed. Rin hadn't left. Neither had Jaken. Boldly he thought– _where could they possibly go?_

"Surely you didn't think I would stay?" She found herself stunned. Had he really entertained the idea of her never leaving? If so, she was unsure how to feel about it.

"I simply haven't prepared myself...is all, Kikyou," His throat rattled. He hadn't been prepared for anything these sluggish seasons. Spring after Kikyou felt so long, summer was an agonizing burn, fall and winter knocked the wind from his chest. Despite all of his dangerous power, everything felt as though it was spiraling out of control.

"Your mother spoke to me about an island in the south. She says that's where I can finally go to rest," Kikyou weakly smiled at the idea of eternal sleep.

"Is that where you plan to go?" There was slight disbelief in his voice.

"I'm not sure yet."

Night collapsed around the castle. The sky cloudless. No wind to spill into their silence. She stood before him with her fragile bones. His desire expanding in his throat, so much so that it hurt. Snow slid from the branches in the trees, snapping twigs in its downfall. Parts of the castle was grumbling due to Gorou's poor care and the weather.

"I really do wonder how much of me, who I've become is simply fragments of other people's criticisms. Just how much of who I am is really me...." Kikyou sighed. Staring blankly around him.

"It's not too late to figure it out."

"No its not, but for once I want someone to save me. I want someone to point me in the right direction as I have done for many," She smiled.

Sesshomaru stood still and quiet. As if the vicious monster inside of him had be conquered and torn to shreds. But Kikyou had yet to understand what brokenness looked like on him. He still seemed stoic.

"That would be nice. That's all I've ever really wanted." 

She wanted him to stop her.

"Good night, Kikyou," Sesshomaru shook his head. Shook off the moonstruck that choked his heart. Before he could be on his way, in the midst of him turning, Kikyou grabbed at his armless sleeve and tugged gently.

"If you want me to stay, please say so," Her voice cracked. Melting snow tumbled from a low roof.

"You can make your own choices," There was little venom in the statement. Rin decided to stay. Jaken decided to stay. He would be okay if she didn't.

"Please validate the option so that I won't feel so heartless," She sounded silly to herself. Technically, in her condition, she was heartless.

"I'm not in the business of persuasion. You either do or you don't."

"You either do or you don't want me to stay, Sesshomaru!" The urgency rippled through her. The weight of all her painful lifetimes as thick as the snow but never melting.

"Please..." Her limbs broke with defeat and she fell to her knees. Still gripping his sleeve.

"If you give me an inkling of purpose, then I will have much longer to decide," She buried her face in the soft white of his fabric. Sesshomaru kneeled with her. Raking his hand through her hair as she pressed into his chest.

"I'd like it if you stayed." That was the most he could allow himself and for her it was enough. Realizing that she was falling head over cliff sides wasn't the hard part. It was by far the easiest of things to acknowledge. What tore her apart was the ambiguity of it all. The future. The past. The peculiarity of her body pressed against his in the darkness. She swooned, melted as she listened to the sound of his heart. Slow and hard. More snow and rocks crumbled from the walls.

She was scared that she might one day realize that she is unmistakably in love with him.

"Then I will stay," she trailed kisses over his collar bone and up his neck.

Sesshomaru's conscience sung to him– how cruel she had been to step into his life and how miserable he must be to allow it happen, but if his misery felt this good forever, then he'd let himself suffer.

A thousand eyes. In the trees. Peeking between the holes in the wall. Wide open hungry mouths waiting for the world to break apart at his feet.

Kikyou's lips met his and the cold ceased to be a nuisance. He'd become devoured by the ocean and he was satisfied with drowning.

x

x

x

x

x

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I'm going to be completely honest. I don't know what should happen after this chapter. LOL truly, I'm at a road block. Should I just give you all fluff? I'm not really into fluff, but I want more SesshxKikyou things. So I will try. At some point there has to be another plot arc before I end it. HEAVY SIGHS. I had a hard time choosing a name for Sesshomaru's mother. I wanted it to be simple in contrast to how powerful she is. Apparently Mego is an old name and died out and I chose it because well....NO SPOILERS.


	25. Star Crossed

**_"If we are going to heal, let it be glorious."~ Lemonade_ **

x

x

x

x

x

 _This was a different kind of hunger._ What she starved for didn't cave the walls of her stomach. Her bones didn't deliquesce and what dizzied her wasn't like the insipid air of phantoms sliding down her throat. Breathing in Sesshomaru– she could thirst for decades.

As she looked down at him, straddling his hips, she realized the absence of lust in his gaze. Instead he looked entirely satisfied.

"Do I look rapacious from way up here?" _Had she stolen the iniquitous parts of his soul?_

"As rapacious as any field mouse," He replied placidly. Her lips tugged into a smile.

"Is this what you do, Lord Sesshomaru? You seduce women and once you've trapped them, you don't reciprocate their passion?" She sprawled her cold fingers along the expanse of his chest.

He clenched his jaws. Unable to forget that she had the intentions of leaving. And there was still that innate part of him that refused human sentiments. Physically, Kikyou was cold, yet her spirit was wholly human. He ran his hand up her elbow. His sleeve falling back and his eyes retraced the familiar purple marks up to his wrist. Her skin against his. Her tiny arm in contrast to the power that made him who he is struck him with a pang of melancholy.

"What's the matter?" She noticed the shift in his mood and her pleasure waned.

His eyes roamed from their arms to her exposed abdomen, between her breasts peeking around her robe, then her throat, ending at her endlessly dark eyes.

"Nothing." He dropped his arm to his side.

"You know what I've learned about you?"

"Hm?" He closed his eyes and allowed his head to drift.

"You're unnecessarily cryptic. **_Nothing_** doesn't just mean nothing."

"Is that so?"

"Very much so," She bit.

"I learned something new about myself," He smirked.

She huffed, forming a rebuttal as she wiggled off of him. Tossing her hair over her shoulder as struggled to rise, but before she could reprimand him there was the five anxious pats on the door followed by a squabble.

x

And for days it went on. The pushing and pulling– the seesawing between the prickly _Please Dos_ and the throat burning _Stops_. Kikyou wouldn't deny that she found his silence throughout the mornings alluring, but there was something wrong with only being able to meet him half way at night. It was cruel that she was always the accessible one. Yet, she hadn't truly figured out what she wanted, so she endured the waiting. She suffered and conceded to the possibility that she probably deserved it.

Only an evil woman demands the affection of man with the intent to break him apart later.

x

 Lord Sesshomaru, from the day that Jaken had sworn his loyalty, had always been a creature of habit. His master wasn't incapable of moving on from past convictions, but admitting it aloud, completely changing took the fall of sky. When the Lord of The West made up his mind, only chaos could truly damage his pride.

And the stability of his master is what had appealed to him for so long. Sesshomaru was solid and unchanging. Predictable in all acts of violence and compassion. Until Rin. That's when the clouds collapsed to the surface and mountains moved. Rin was the chaos that broke his beloved master.

_"He hasn't changed," Mego assured the tiny imp in passing._

_"I fear that he has," Jaken moaned. Completely beside himself._

_"He's always been that way. I think you've just started to see him for who he is."_

_Perhaps_ – Jaken thought to himself. _Perhaps. Perhaps_.

He witnessed the full death of all he had considered of his master the moment he recognized sorrow in Sesshomaru's stare. It was a distant gander that swept across the desolate court yard. Jaken exhaled mid-conversation to observe him. His luminous eyes following the trail of his master's object of sadness. It wasn't the pig like servant girl organizing the baskets nor the half fox in shining armor thumbing down a scroll. It was Kikyou staring down at the stone steps looking equally as forlorn.

 _"He's quite fickle and sensitive,"_ Mego echoed in his head.

Jaken cleared his throat for the sixth time and Sesshomaru's look of despondency erased itself.

_"Do not fret little green man. When tenderness is coupled with dangerous power, it can be quite the force to reckon with. You should not think any less of my son, but be proud that your  loyalty is aligned with a man capable of mercy. He showed it to you. Did he not?"_

_"Perhaps...."_

x

x

"I think my troubles come from how poorly I treated your brother," Kikyou hid her face in the crook of his neck. Her lips caressing his skin.

"The world has treated him rather poorly," Sesshomaru stared at the ceiling, mindlessly raking his nails through her hair.

"I should've been the last, but those who are hurt bring misery to others," She sighed.

"In what way?"

"I wanted to change him. You want to know why I had few failures?"

Sesshomaru shrugged and wondered if Izayoi concealed similar sentiments. He couldn't quite remember her ever being happy before she died.

"The day I realized that one mistake that I made cost my sister an eye, I started to chase this idea of perfection. If everything is the way that it should be then nothing wrong can ever happen. If he could've been human, then I knew that our souls could end together and go to the same place."

"Clearly you were wrong," Sesshomaru said distantly in spite of his own battles with perfection.

"The pursuit of control ends in unhappiness," She recoiled into his warmth the way a child shrinks in the darkness.

"Kikyou, do you want to change me?"

"No. Do you wish to change me?"

Not in the same way. He wanted to correct the road that lead to _them_. Freeze time or go back before Inuyasha– but that could not have been possible. _Then_ , he did not possess the capacity to recognize her.

Inconceivable as it was, where they were at currently was how it was meant to be. It could not have happened any other way, but Sesshomaru didn't want to believe in destiny.

"No," He whispered.

"You hesitated."

" ** _No_**. You're enough."

x

x

x

The work, the politics of everything fell onto Jaken while Sesshomaru was able to vanish for the better parts of the evening. Scrolls upon scrolls, people came to see his master and left unfulfilled by his absence. Wasn't the purpose of claiming Gorou's home to re-enforce his maliciousness? To destroy the concerns of his apathy?

"What do you really care about, Mi'lord!?" Jaken shrieked at him from across the table. Tossing the scrolls in the air, knocking over the ink brushes. Splotches of black tainting the tiny cups of tea.

Sesshomaru beamed at Jaken with regal coolness. He removed his chin from his palm and straightened his posture.

"To not be bothered, Jaken. That's what I truly care about."

It wasn't a good enough answer, but Jaken knew better than to press him.

x

x

x

x

"Why do you avoid me during the day?" Kikyou _knew_ , but she hoped for a different answer. An answer that wouldn't be so predictable. She kept her back towards him, head titled back as she watched the clouds pass over the half moon. Sesshomaru didn't speak immediately simply because he hadn't consider it to be avoidance.

His reticence had become irritating. She'd begun to find his long pauses insulting

"Is this really what you want?" She asked and his insides fluttered. There was the instinct to kiss her, but he staved off the compelling desire. Keeping his eyes on her back, until she looked over her shoulder.

The longing in her stare terrified him. But not the take flight and leave sense of terror. It was the look in Izayoi's eyes when she saw his father's phantom in his gestures. The look Inuyasha gave him as a child when he sensed all of their unseen similarities. It was a look he did not want to fill with himself, because he wasn't prepared. And he didn't know where to begin or when it would overflow and become too much. So he remained still as stone. Allowing the air to brush strands of his hair across his face.

"Then who is to blame for this peculiar situation? Look at where we have found ourselves," She choked on her own thoughts. Her old memories colliding with her new ones. When no answer was revealed, when what she assumed wasn't dispelled, she strode off. Dragging her shadow away from his. Leaving him breathless. When he reached for her, the gesture failed in her quickness.

She left him under the stars with his growing fear. He knew in his gut that if he gave too much, somehow it will all be taken away from him. He could admit it inwardly, but Sesshomaru didn't like acknowledging weaknesses.

A thousand eyes and mouths surrounded him. Waiting for him to fail so that they could eat him whole.

His legacy, Rin's palms open, Jaken's unyielding loyalty, and Kikyou at the crux of him. And somewhere beyond his walls, Inuyasha mindlessly depended on him too.

x

x

x

More days went by and sometimes they didn't speak. The future creeping and crawling and smothering them.

x

x

x

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I've been on spring break so I've had enough time to write up all these fast updates. They might slow down now. It's my final semester before I graduate and I'm always writing papers. College is absolute trash. The more I write this story the more I realize it's not really just about Kikyou or Sesshomaru. It's everyone's story in a way, or at least in future chapters it will be. This chapter was kind of lacking but it's going to be the catalyst to the drama in the next one.


	26. Ashes To Ashes

Naked trees and their limbs twisted up towards the cloudless sky. Between the empty canopies, with the semblance of a thousand skeletons praising the heavens, the sun cast spider like shadows along the beaten path way. The wheels of heavy wagons had dug deep into the surface leaving a permanent trail that Kikyou, Rin in hand, decided to aimlessly follow.

When a squirrel snapped branches above them, Rin's grasp tightened and it was then when Kikyou thought about her own little sister. Somewhere not being so little. Probably wiser through Kikyou's mistakes. Suddenly she felt like a traitor.

 _Dear sister, do you feel as though you're trapped in your own body? Do you feel as if your body has betrayed you...? Do you think old age might as well be death? Second best to death? How many times have you cracked yourself apart trying to survive without the concept of **us**_ **?**

"Do you still not sleep well, Rin?" Kikyou wiggled her arm. Hopefully the higher powers will forgive her if she made up for it. She failed Kaede. She didn't have to fail again.

Rin made a small noise and shrugged her bony shoulders. Looking straight ahead as if she could see something that Kikyou couldn't. Capriciousness is the nature of all girls but Kikyou couldn't keep from projecting her own fears.

"I'm good at keeping secrets," Kikyou urged her once more.

"Kikyou , what are you most scared of?" She responded promptly.

"Oh! Well that's a good question." Kikyou rubbed her fingers with her thumb. Closed her eyes and pretended to think rather hard. Squeezing her lids as tight as she could. Rin glared up at her, shaking under the cold spell of winter.

"Disappointment." That was the best that she could do. There wasn't anything significant that she feared. Disappointment was the answer for everything that she couldn't immediately name.

"That's all?" Rin gasped incredulously.

"Oh goodness. Have I disappointed you?" Kikyou laughed.

"Can I be truthful? Yes. I'm disappointed."

"What were you expecting me to say, little girl?" How funny it would be if Rin had a better understanding of her pathos than she and her own mother combined.

"Honestly. I don't know. Something more...."

"More exciting?"

They both erupted into laughter. And it was moments this small that made up for the mire of her thoughts. The dead forest inside of her and the crows pecking at her useless heart–she didn't have to pay such pain attention. Only for a short while she would ignore the corruption that her bones secured in place.

"This right here." Kikyou stopped, dropping to her knees to pick up a fat rock.

"This will be symbolic of all your worries." She dropped the rock in Rin's small hand. With a girlish charm, Rin sneered at her. Suspicious but went along with her game.

"Now close your eyes and think about everything that has ever bothered you," she said lowly.

In the distance, there was pounding of large feet ahead of them. Something non human approached at rapid speed. Rin kept her eyes closed but Kikyou brought her attention up the path they'd been following. Glistening black armor flickering under the wayward streaks of sunlight, dragging behind them a carriage. As it neared, Kikyou recognized the sigil on the pale blue fabric that curled in the icy breeze. Four stout and astute demons tugged the carriage along the unsteady path. Their antlers twisted from beneath their helms and their eyes all consuming pools of black.

When she realized that they were not slowing down, she snatched Rin into her chest and pressed her back against a tree. Dirt and rocks kicking up from their beastly feet and iron wheels.

That familiar pretty face. Coy, playful, yet something menacing behind her thick lashes. Lady Bunko of the north peeked around her blue flags, fully catching a glimpse at Kikyou cradling Rin.

To Kikyou's surprise and horror, Bunko craned her neck out the doorway, commanding her men to stop.

"Lady Kikyou! You're a sight for sore eyes!"  She stumbled out of the carriage. Too eager to wait for a complete stop. Her ears twitched with excitement that Kikyou could not properly dissect. Even more decorated than the last time she had laid eyes on the doe. She gathered up the pale layers of her garments. Tip toeing through the dirt.

"So it is true!" She gasped.

"What is true?" Kikyou didn't intend for her tone to be scathing.

"When I heard that Lord Sesshomaru had taken the company of a woman, I figured it was you. Us running into each other not too far from the castle isn't a mere coincidence either. Right?" She waited for Kikyou to respond with wide eyes. Rin gaped at Bunko's ethereal appearance, clutching the rock close to her chest. But Bunko continued as if she hadn't realized Kikyou wasn't alone.

"We had a rocky first impression. Let us no longer be enemies. I'd appreciate your company on the ride up," Bunko sighed. Finally her eyes falling onto Rin, but it was if she was looking straight through her.

Kikyou hesitated but Rin had begun to shiver under the cold.

x

x

 

"So what brings you to the west?" Kikyou held Rin as they swayed with each bump.

"I wasn't the only one summoned. Have you not heard? It's rather troublesome." Bunko slouched against the window. Dangling her arm out so that her finger tips could comb through the wind.

"I have not heard." Kikyou searched her face for traces of sincerity. But Bunko was as elusive as any other demon.

"Hmm. It's all play...I see." Bunko simpered. Cutting her gander from the passing trees to Kikyou.

"What are you trying to say, Lady Bunko?"

"I just think it's strange that he hasn't mentioned it to you. So are you not lovers?"

Reflexively, Kikyou cupped Rin's ears with her hands.

"A man and woman are fully capable of simple companionship. No we are not lovers!"

They were locked in stifling silence. Both unyielding as the wheels raked against the ground. It broke Kikyou's un-beating heart.

" _I see._ Well. Onikuma, rightfully so, isn't pleased with the murder of his son," Bunko pursed her lips.

"What does that have to do with Lord Sesshomaru? Gorou was the snake in the sand after all." Rin tensed in her lap at the mentioning of Gorou.

"That's exactly why me and three others will be the witnesses to whatever they compromise."

"And who sought the compromise?" Kikyou knew it was highly unlikely that Sesshomaru willingly agreed to the matter.

"After a long while of convincing, we all mutually agreed that it was for the greater good. No one needs a war. Not with _that swine_ living and breathing in the darkness of our imaginations."

Kikyou knew that she meant Naraku.

The conversation died after that. Rin relaxed back into Kikyou's arms looking forlorn. Bunko retreated into her thoughts and Kikyou drifted into a memory of Sesshomaru.

x

x

Bunko was received immediately upon their arrival. The servants groveled at her feet and some caressed the rich fabric of her robes as if her touch could heal all their ailments. Kiykou knew that Bunko was widely agreed upon, but Rin hadn't gained a smidgen of that affection. But, she resolved to give Sesshomaru's subjects the benefit of the doubt. Their prejudice wasn't intentional. Hopefully Rin didn't noticed that she hadn't received the same amount of attention in her own home. Did Rin even consider such a place home to begin with?

 _Rin, where is home to you?_ She wondered.

Kikyou and Rin escaped the excitement unnoticed.

"Kikyou, what do I do with the rock?" Rin looked up at her. The noise falling behind them to faint murmurs.

She'd forgotten about the rock and blinked for a moment.

"Have you conjured all of your worries?"

Rin nodded with a painful smile.

"Good. Now you can choose to bury it or toss it somewhere far away."

Rin looked around. Her face slightly twisting into a frown.

"I don't want to bury it here."

"There is no hurry. Before sunrise, we can go find somewhere else. As away from here as you like."

"I'd like that."

Kikyou placed a hand on Rin's head and tousled her hair.

"You always look so sad, Kikyou. Even when you smile."

"All adults are sad in some capacity."

The older one gets, they either break away or recede back into themselves– eventually wondering why it ever took them so long in the first place. Had Kaede lost or found herself?

x

x

As the evening drug on, guilt sunk heavy inside of her. A tightness formed in her throat as she watched Rokujou and an unfamiliar owl-like demon ascend the broken apart stone steps. Gathered up by Jaken and servants with grace but not matching their earlier eagerness.

There was an unsuspecting warmth at her finger tips, sneaking along her wrists, dragging up her arm.

"Is this what you had hoped for, Sesshomaru," she said breathlessly.

He hesitated and his hold on her arm loosened. 

"It's the exact opposite." But he hadn't set his expectations high. It was like stumbling from one changing path to another. One moment, the destination seemed clear until the journey challenged his judgment.

Then he's left contemplating the cloudy distance. Then he's forced to pay attention to the gaping hole in his heart.

"You never struck me as the fearful type."

"Who said I was fearful?"

"No one said it. It's just an observation."

"I'm not scared." With a tug of her arm, he forced her to face him. His gaze flickering with the sweetest anger. What a full-hearted woman would recognize as broken feelings, but Kikyou had sipped on her anger for too long.

"Only a scared person falls through on their bargains."

"What did we bargain?" He released her. Hardening his heart for the rest of the night.

"I'm more than just an experience. I might not have the perpetual warmth of normal women, but I still feel pain. I'd argue more than most." She held her fists at her sides. Did she have the right to demand the absolute consumption of him?

"You think I'm that thick headed?"

"I wouldn't think the worst if I had more than just scraps of you."

One moment, the destination is clear, the journey breaks him a little, but the sun still rises and the moon isn't any less bright in its half-ness.

Sesshomaru closed his eyes, flared his nostrils. Every decisions he's ever made has been a tactic. One wrong move and half of him would pay for it.

"I want you." It had been the clearest she'd ever heard his voice. Empty of cryptic ambience. Without an assumed notion or a broken rib cage of meaning. Kikyou blinked at him opening and closing her mouth. If looks could kill, then his eyes had eclipsed her still heart, murdering her. In a lyrical sense he had destroyed her past, present, and future self.

"I want you too," she finally whispered, raising her hands to cup his face, and she swooned into him. Capturing his bottom lip. Causing him to draw in a breath. Making up for the distant mornings, the torturous nights and days upon days worth of distance. She tangled her arms around his neck and he held her as close as possible. Not close enough for his liking. If he had it his way, he'd be under her skin and she'd allow it. Offering her bones as a sacrifice to remain with him infinitely.

Jaken's voice carried the silence. Splitting through the night.

"Now what?"

"I want you join me."

"I don't think that would be appropriate."

"How does one demand more than scraps only to reject an offering to sate their appetite?"

x

x

x

Sesshomaru knew how to keep promises and never made any that he could not keep. Kikyou would be a witness too. In all of her modesty. He'd have it no other way. She was the least decorated of the guests. The only of them with the image of humble humanity, save for Rokujou, yet her scent stirred all of their senses. Bunko murmured to the owl demon beneath a fan, both glaring back and forth between Kikyou and Sesshomaru.

Rokujou seemed comfortable and within his element among the demons. He also seemed rather off to Kikyou from the last time they shared a space. How quickly he'd recover from his loss, to smile so toothily at Onikuma's joke? Was it even a joke? Onikuma seemed off putting as well considering the circumstance that warranted the gathering. Something felt wrong and she slid her hand to Sesshomaru's knee to warn him, but Toran began to speak. If no one else, demons at that, couldn't sense the strangeness perhaps she'd merely been projecting her own discomfort. Demons, after all, were creatures of innate unusualness. Maybe Rokujou had learned to emulate it.

"Let us not forget that what transpired this coming together of sorts is a matter of severity," Toran spoke.

"A matter of severity that doesn't pertain to you. Let Lord Sesshomaru speak for himself." Jaken reproached her scathingly, but Toran acted as though he were simply a fly buzzing at her ear and swatted at him.

"Unfortunately. I have little to say," Sesshomaru's eyes hadn't left Onikuma's. Who was twice as hulking as his offspring. He grew hair, fur in places unimaginable to Kikyou. His knees and elbows. Thick fur escaping through his armor. Up close, she could only assume hair grew from his nose.

"Do say," Onikuma leaned forward, resting his elbow on his knee. Bangles of silver and bright green beads snaked around his arm. Kikyou couldn't stop staring at his wide mouth and absently counted all of his visible fangs.

"Lie with dogs and you will get back up with fleas. Gorou, may his soul rest, just didn't get back up."

And the room deadened. Except for Jaken who released a prideful noise of encouragement. Bunko viciously whipped the fan with her wrist and took a long sip of her tea. Averting her eyes from Onikuma. No one knew who to look to, but they dared not look at the old bear. Out of shame or fear for agreeing with the truth. Except Rokujou was staring pointedly at Kikyou. In a way that made it feel as if his eyes were heavy on her skin. She didn't stare back. Staring back filled her with unexplainable dread.

Onikuma belched a thunderous laugh. Startling everyone. He beat his fist twice against the wooden table. Scaring the pig face servant girl who kneeled to pour him tea.

"No. Unfortunately he didnt." He wiped the trail of spit that escaped his mouth. Kikyou imagined how many times he must wipe his face in a day with all his large teeth. _His mouth must never close?_

"If your son hadn't conspired against me with Naraku, perhaps he'd still be alive." Sesshomaru had this admirable way of being completely placid. Especially when it came to those who opposed him. Kikyou readily discovered that this was how he baited his opponents into emotional fits of rage. Yet, Onikuma didn't fall for it. She remembered that he'd probably seen it before in his father.

"Were you aware of his dealings with Naraku, Bunko? Were all of you aware?" Toran crossed her arms and Bunko stopped fervidly fanning herself.

"I and many others have been privy to the growing frustrations surrounding Lord Sesshomaru's state of idleness for years. Was I aware of Gorou's plans? Certainly not. I can say for myself that Lord Sesshomaru has redeemed himself." She demurely sat down her finished cup of tea. The owl demon, whose name was Tsutsuji, hummed in agreement. 

"I agree. He has," Onikuma's eyes were pure blood red.

"My master doesn't seek nor need the approval of gossiping buzzards!" Jaken slammed his tiny hands on the table.

"No. He doesn't," Onikuma's smile deepened impossibly. The strangeness crept again as Rokujou stood up to excuse himself. Alarmed, Kikyou's neck straightened as her eyes followed him. A small child, whose face was covered, entered after  Rokujou. Carrying a large wooden box. Painted in red, embellished with golden flowers.

Kikyou leaned towards Sesshomaru. Taking his hand.

"I'm going to see if Rin finally went to sleep," she whispered and Sesshomaru found nothing perplexing about it. He was either too consumed by his anger to notice the lie or truly hadn't suspected anything wrong. It deepened her worry, but she told herself that it was nothing. Hoping it wasn't anything at all as she rose to follow Rokujou.

"Does your mistress not want to see my expensive gift!?" Onikuma looked truly appalled. He slapped a hand on his knee.

"They aren't lovers, dearest Onikuma. The rumors are lies," Bunko smiled, but Kikyou's mind was treading elsewhere as she dismissed herself with haste.

"A gift. From me to you, Lord Sesshomaru." Onikuma gestured for the child to deliver the box. And it bothered Toran, Jaken, and Sesshomaru that they could not smell what was inside of it. It was also unsettling that child was hooded. Jaken leaped as the box was settled on the table.

"I will open it," Jaken muttered. The decorated box had been charmed. It's power sending tingles up his nose. The imp hesitated but his undying love for Sesshomaru outweighed his fear. He placed his tiny fingers on the lid and everyone drew in with peculiar anxiety. Even Sesshomaru, but he hid uneasiness by holding his breath. Jaken flipped open the lid and what was inside caused him to retreat with horror. Toran stumbled to her feet, but Sesshomaru remained seated on his rich mat. Inside was the real Rokujou's head. His own viscera strewn around his face frozen in agony. The pith of his throat hacked away with morbid artistry. Sesshomaru remained seated, but he'd given Onikuma what he desired. A mortified reaction. Sesshomaru's even tempered guise twisted into unfathomable ire. Bunko and Tsutsuji responded with equal outrage.

Onikuma stood on his feet and the trap was fully realized. Sesshomaru couldn't remember Onikuma ever having red eyes.

x

x

x

Fear was a sensation that stayed true to her. Like she remembered, complete and utter helplessness had a way of drowning out the sense of smell, sound, and touch. Yet the darkness pulsated. The servants glared at her questionably as she speedily turned corners. Rokujou had disappeared into the unknown, but she was hell bent on setting her eyes on him.

Her intuition lead her outside where Rokujou, or the corruption of him, stood alone. Back turned with his arms held out towards the sky. Waiting as if the bright moon was going to sink into his arms. The wind picked up an irregular speed, disorienting her. The strong gusts so powerful and evil and thick, it burned as it rushed along her skin.

Kikyou called his name, but she noticed his hands raise to his face. As he turned around he was tearing at his own face. The peeled sanguine flesh revealing a deathly white complexion and the cracked smile of dark lips. The skin dripped to his feet and she had never laid eyes on anyone as haunting. As if he had slid off a wet red mask, the man before her was unrecognizable. But dread was enough to defeat her. There was something in the odd wind that stifled her. She'd never _felt_ anything so evil in her life.

His white hair was stained with blood that didn't belong to him and his simper drew up her disgust. He walked towards her, but it looked as if he were floating. And suddenly the moon had swallowed them both whole.

x

x

x

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: You thought I was gonna let you guys be happy. Nope. You. Thought.


	27. Dust To Dust

"How did we get here, Inuyasha?" Kagome rubbed her arms.

"What do you mean?"

"Well. You know sometimes I think about the point in time in my life before you guys," She started. Fumbling with the sleeve of her thick sweater. They walked closely next to each other. Kagome's shoulder every now and then colliding with his. Kagome could never walk in a straight line.

"Before **_you_**. And I can't believe there was ever a time that I didn't know you at all."

She abandoned her hands at her sides. Taking a deep breath.

"It's weird thinking about never knowing you," she said softly. Just barely a whisper.

Inuyasha stopped walking. She stopped a few feet away. His silver hair caught the moonlight and the animated silhouettes of the trees. All around them, winter had killed everything. Winter was killing her most of all. Every single day, since the cave, her _truth_ chipped away parts of herself.

Could he see all of her missing parts? The way he stared back made her wonder. Had he noticed yet that she hadn't really been _here_ for some time now. Did he stop because he could smell her tears before they fell?

_Since day one of ever knowing you, I've been dying, but I wouldn't change it for the world._

Yet the words could not escape her.

x

x

x

x

x

Their rapid heartbeats pose the question and the answer is Onikuma's salivating tongue. Such as the harmony of nature, demons of all creed governed themselves as a functioning whole. An arm is unable to hold without the bone to secure it. Life begins and ends with the heart. A dead body cannot exist without a murderer and the weak answer to their predators.

Similar to the way an artist constructs a masterpiece, every breath drawn, withheld, is calculated. Bunko's heart dipped into her stomach and by designed, Onikuma clawed his way across the table in an effort to answer their growing tension. Sesshomaru's body language set the tide, in one sweeping gesture he managed to force a petrified Jaken out of his way with the flat side of Tokijin. The red box tumbled and Rokujou's head rolled under the chaos. The table cracked with Onikuma's second lunge of massive weight. The tiny compact room swirled into melodic turmoil. Akin to a buzzing hive.

Onikuma, fully forming into his complete identity, surging with immense demonic power, leapt from the broken wood and shards for the third time. Purposefully plunging himself into Sesshomaru's sword. The pain seemingly went straight through him, as if it were a passing breeze. And this broke Sesshomaru's steadfast. Onikuma forced the sword through his abdomen– his weight overpowering the strength of Sesshomaru's only arm.

Answering to the tiny pops of bear flesh splitting, Toran stole every lick of moisture, sucking the air completely dry as she conjured a spear like ice sickle to plunge into Onikuma's back. But her effort came to bone a crackling halt. A force felt and unseen had disrupted the cogwheels of their primitive cause and effect. Onikuma's mouth inches away from Sesshomaru's. Leaking spit and blood.

Something invisible and had reached inside of Toran, dropping her like dead weight to the floor. And suddenly a cold silence poisoned the castle. As if time had stopped but not for Sesshomaru and Onikuma. The bear demon took his foot and kicked Sesshomaru through two walls. Tokijin still deeply wedged inside of him.

It wasn't the blow that knocked forty exhales from him, but the surprise. Sesshomaru hadn't seen it coming, usually he always does. He rose from the debris, stumbling as he violently coughed. He could still feel Onikuma's foot against his chest.

"Do you believe in familial curses, Lord Sesshomaru!?" Onikuma laughed between his teeth. He plucked the sword from guts. The blade pulling out ribbons of red but Onikuma was unfazed.

All demons possessed a form of demonic power, but bear demons weren't known for mastering it. It wasn't how they operated. They relied on brute strength and animalistic instinct. The monster that looked back at Sesshomaru wasn't Onikuma. Only a shell of what he used to be.  He was up against a possessed corpse. Parroting memories of a ghost.

Sesshomaru did not respond and this incited laughter. Toran remained wide awake and unmoving but her eyes gave away the storm coming to him. He followed her line of vision noticing that the hooded child was Kohaku who had managed to steal Rin into the nightmare. Both visibly possessed. So near yet entirely absent.

Onikuma took his claws, pressuring them against Tokijin until the sword shattered into countless sparkling shards. Sesshomaru reacted but he'd fallen victim to the dreadful cold that froze Toran. Tenseiga rattled at his hip as the dark power washed over him, but the sensation stopped at his neck– unable to taint his mind.

"Do you believe in familial curses!?" Onikuma's laughed warped itself unrecognizable. Dropping the hilt of Tokijin, the demon hunched forward and where Sesshomaru had stabbed him, the true entity inside of him began to pry its way out. Splitting the hairy body in two limp halves.

The blood soaked silhouette of a man stepped out from Onikuma's body. He turned his hand and beckoned Rin with a gesture. And of course, she obeyed.

_Familial curses._

Anticipation made his blood colder. _This wasn't Naraku. This was much worse_. Sesshomaru always thought he knew the depths of depravity, but ignorance had been too blissful. Much too kind to him.

True immorality was being frozen in a past he worked hard to avoid. Familial curses. Was that all he'd amount to? And where was Kikyou?

Staring emptily back at him, Rin stood beside the demon in all of his abhorrent glory. The insatiable crook of his smile widening.

"Answer me, Lord Sesshomaru– Great Leader of The West!! "

But Sesshomaru could not answer him. All he'd believed in glared back at him as if it were all a lie. He'd been lying to himself for quite some time.

 _'All it takes is one wrong lapse in judgment,_ ' His father echoed down their blood line. The memory running cold down his unmovable spine.

The demon gave up on tantalizing him and like tiny red needles, his predatory eyes fell onto Rin. She looked back at him, as they shared a silent insidious bond. He snapped her head back by gripping her bangs. Her eyes dreamily closing with wicked comfort.

_Familial curses._

The demon, Sesshomaru knew who he was, but knowing came far too  late. Simply knowing couldn't do a damn thing as he took his claws and ripped open Rin's throat. She released a curdling whisper as the blood bubbled and spluttered from her neck.

No pain was comparable to watching all of what he thought he knew be dug up from under him.

As the atmosphere twisted itself, elevating the ambience of night time, Magatsuhi, or a version of him, vanished as the confusion subsided. Like Rin, there one moment then gone. The moment Sesshomaru felt the rise of his own free will, he lunged himself towards Rin. Her limp body collapsing into him.

There one minute then gone. He no longer had a weakness.

_Isn't this what everyone wanted?_

His unending dissatisfaction.

 

x

x

x

After one has died and is misfortunate enough to come back, something is left behind in the previous life. And it's not retrievable. Forever, that something is missing. Die for the second time, the thing one loses is much bigger. Never will they be the same because no one is meant to come back. Naraku was a living, breathing, warped testament to that. Everything about him was an echoing vacancy. A conglomerate of empty vessels and hardened strips of flesh clung to him.

Kikyou had looked at him enough to see that nothing lived inside of him.

"You told me to be wary of her power, but she walked straight into my arms," Magatsuhi's nails dug into her scalp as he forced her to her knees.

"You haven't put up much of a fight these days, Kikyou," Naraku laughed with a hundred mouths. He stood up, carrying the weight of twisted veins, fingers, and toes. Many entities intertwined with his body. Only a fragment of him looked remotely human.

"Are you hungry, Kikyou? How long have you starved yourself?"

Kikyou anchored her attention to the cold floor. Staring at the gaps between her fingers.

"She's useless. Is this what you've promised me, Naraku?" Magatsuhi pressed his foot into her back.

"She once protected the Sacred Jewel. If that doesn't entice you, then you're impossible!" Naraku said rather nonchalantly.

"Then why were you so easy!" He pressed his foot down harder until she released a quiet whimper. With another sharp shove, she collapsed.

"Don't bother snapping her in half. She can't die that way," Naraku sighed, but Magatsuhi drew up his knee once more and lunged his foot with force enough to split her spine. Naraku grimaced at the sound of the crack and to Magatsuhi's delight, she did not die but he fed himself on the cacophony of her screams. She writhed beneath his foot until her screams faded into dry sobbing.

"I'm still rather disappointed, Naraku," Magatsuhi hummed. Stepping away from Kikyou, twitching from the high of her suffering.

"In due time," Naraku watched him twist his body into black mist until he was gone.

Once again, on a mountain of many other times, Kikyou's fate fell into his hands. For a day she had convinced herself that they were unlikely soul mates and that's what had drove them into unchecked madness. Their spirits forever at war and both of them at fault, but Kikyou did not nurture her hatred. Her anger had withered itself down to self loathing. Only for a single day did she entertain the notion that they were two missing halves. For when she gazed upon him, all she felt was contempt. Disdain that made her tongue bitter.

Pain for her was an unusual surge of heat. A pulsation of stinging wavelets, pouring outward and receding back. As she struggled to roll on her side, Naraku kneeled beside her. Gripping her by the back of her neck. She sucked air between her teeth.

"Why is it always like this, Kikyou?" He feigned woe. As she looked up at him, under the fall of her hair­– she saw no wetness about his eyes. How far gone he must be for he could not capture the glitter of the stars nor fire. Vast horrible redness that couldn't hold her reflection.

"You ask me..." _Time and time again...and she's never had an answer._

"And you never know."

x

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x

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I want to first start off by saying DON'T HATE ME JUST YET! While I've deviated far as hell from the canon, I still follow it (nudge wink nudge). I've taken some creative liberties and I'm so glad you guys have suspended disbelief to enjoy this. I know some people won't read a fic if it doesn't stick to canon so the fact that you guys have stuck around for almost 30 chapters means a hell of a lot. I've honestly wondered if I've truly done Sesshomaru as a character any justice. He's been really hard to write. I understand him on a basic level, but I feel like I struggle with a perfect balance between his coldness and admirable qualities. I don't think he's a good person, but I don't think he's quite the antagonist. If he really hated Inuyasha...if he REALLY wanted him dead he would've done it years ago. To me, Inuyasha being alive says a lot about Sesshomaru's 'hatred' for him. Or really his lack of. I know he resents his brother, but I think that's about it. Misguided anger. That's just my onion though. I don't think I'm right but that's been my interpretation of him as a character.  
> TLDR: Whenever Sesshomaru and Kikyou kiss shitty things happen. Kikyou always saves everyone tho and that's all that matters.


	28. Hereafter

Solitude. What he had desired for centuries. Loneliness was a quiet brook, a cricket-less summer, and a world without wind. Or so he had thought.

Isolation. The act of withdrawing himself from the surrounding noise. So that he could better think and hear his thoughts.

Concealment. His face becomes devoid of emotion as his spirit retreated back into that dark place before the concept love.

Everything he had dreamed up lied in his lap. Motionless and robbed of resplendence. The only feeling that crossed him was the abnormality of the silence. Never had his surroundings ever been so quiet. Mouths moved without speech. He saw their feet shuffling but there was no sound.

And he cruelly thought about all the times he wished the world would paralyze itself– _ask and you shall receive_.

Sesshomaru had never watched the process of dying. Even his father's death felt distant and impersonal. Watching Rin's body slowly decay petrified him. Invisible bits of her breaking apart like dried drops of mud in water. Her blood had caked up and dried along his arm. Clumps in her hair and his.

_'Are your four walls enough to contain me?'_

Apparently not.

Tenseiga laid uselessly beside him.

"Sesshomaru," His mother's voice pierced his peaceful delirium. _Who knew that disbelief could strike madness?_ The memory of a young Inuyasha viciously chewing away at vermin in the rain. Covered in dirt, blood, and sadness. Now He understood.

"It's been three days they say."

He did not respond. Too bewitched by the haunting smell of Rin's passing.

"Have you finally learned your lesson?" Mego kneeled before him. Her presence like a shining light. Everything was noiseless but the folding of her kimono against the floor and the chiming of her ornaments.

"It didn't work. She wouldn't come back," His voice was hoarse.

"Tenseiga only works once."

"What a meaningless gift. Tell me, mother. Can his laughter be heard throughout all reaches of hell? Have you both been conspiring against me for all these years? Such a humorless meaningless gift....."

"Don't swear against your father."

"I do not swear against him. I don't have it in me to anymore. I simply do not care."

"Love has a price, Sesshomaru. It takes a certain type of man to search for it and keep it."

"You're still alive. Did he not love you?"

Mego was silent for a heartbeat. Her lashes fluttering as her eyes narrowed.

"Probably not, but he loved you. That's all that matters."

"Pray tell, mother. What have you lost? What price have you paid?" His body shook with tempered vexation. He couldn't even hold Rin the way he wanted. One mistake has always damaged him greatly. Chasing perfection. That's what Kikyou had described it to be. Chasing perfection ends in unhappiness.

Mego brushed her fingers along the purple streaks on his face.

"Have you learned your lesson?"

 _'One's strength does not matter. Strength doesn't protect anyone from the symptoms of heartbreak.'_ In the great words of his father.

Sesshomaru's insides quaked. His face twisted into an incredulous frown.

 _'The strong know when it is appropriate to relinquish their power,_ ' His father had said to him looking out into the sunset. At the time, his words just seemed like the ramblings of an old man unsatisfied with his life.  But the entire time, Sesshomaru had been the unsatisfied one.

Mego slipped her arms under Rin's body. Her tiny arms and legs dangling like broken tree limbs. Mego rose, looking into Rin's face– wondering what it was about humans that scorned the feelings of the men in her life. Was it their fragility? Did it reinforce their desire to be needed? Inu no Taisho could never give her a proper answer.

"Get up," She whispered to Sesshomaru.

The room pulsated before collapsing into a wind of stars. A gust of cold air stung his nose and his body felt light. No longer were they within the castle, but they were in the sky. Mego turned, spinning effortlessly on thin air. The stars paving the way to her hidden sanctuary next to heaven.

"I can't hold you there forever, Sesshomaru."

With clouds passing under him like waves of the ocean, Sesshomaru stood but his body felt like pounds of stones as he drug above the world.

He had once asked his mother why she chose to live in the clouds.

 _'To get away from your father,'_ she had said in a way he couldn't quite tell if she were joking.

The price she'd paid for love was loneliness.

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_Men will be the death of you._

And that was the most important lesson she had learned from her sister.

Kaede had  avoided men that looked at her for too long. She ripped petals from the flowers they picked and every night she'd went to bed with a dagger close to her heart. One eye forever opened in the darkness.

She favored Kikyou in grace, but she lacked her sister's prettiness. Plain in the slow flutter of her gaze. Her jaw line sharp like the tallest tip of a mountain. Kikyou whispered beautifully when she delivered her joy, sorrow, and anger. Kaede's words were clumsy and the swing of her lilt was uneven and raspy.

Hands that reached out to her were searching for remnants of her sister, and forever to their great disappointment, Kikyou did not live inside of her. And sometimes it was saddening that she could not be her sister.

_Be better than me._

Whatever that meant...Kaede hadn't figured it out.

"Lady Kaede, you're so lucky."

"And what makes you say that, Sango?"

"No one has ever expected you to get married."

Sango waddled beside her with two buckets of water. They crunched twigs and dirt under their feet. Out of nervous habit, Kaede pulled at the hairs tangled in her eye patch. Her hand concealing a light blush and an anxious sigh escaped her.

"I guess that is quite the blessing," But Kaede would never admit that she had an irrational fear of love. She saw what it did to Kikyou. She's seen what it's done to her childhood friends. Misery always seemed like the conclusion to agonizing self doubt, loneliness, desperation. Most of all purposelessness.

"Have you ever liked a man enough to consider being with him– in _that way_ if you could...?" Sango sauntered too close and her shoulder collided with her old friend's back. Water slipped over the brims of the buckets and splashed along their toes and legs.

"Nay," Kaede smiled.

_Men will be the death of you._

She had always dreamed that the love of her life, if one existed, would arrive on horseback. Swinging a sword in his hand as he charged towards her. Aiming straight for her throat with the intent to cut the words out of her lungs. Because love left Kikyou speechless, dumb to the senses, got her knees all dirty.

"Is there a man that you have in mind for me?" Kaede's laugh was wheezy.

"No! I know no man that is worthy enough to even set eyes upon you!" Sango's face turned redder than a setting sun.

"Is there a man that strikes **_you_** , Sango?"

Sango hesitated. The muscles in her neck twitching as she swallowed.

"Perhaps but I do not wish to sacrifice myself– to be second to a man...seems most unfulfilling," She went on. And Kaede chuckled again. Miroku wasn't worthy _but..._

"The heart wants what it wants. One must be willing to compromise."

"At what cost though?"

"As much as ye is willing to pay for happiness."

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Mego had hoped that Sesshomaru wouldn't turn out like his father. In many ways he hadn't but in the few ways that he did, it was prominent. She didn't want to use the meido stone to revive Rin purely because she wanted to save Sesshomaru from further disappointment. But she couldn't help but be moved by his ugly way of mourning.

It didn't seem right to steal him of his soul. And as much as she resented his father, the meido stone was never truly hers. It was a gift for Sesshomaru– and what kind of mother would allow her son to be miserable for the sake of her own vanity?

"She won't be the same," Mego stood behind him. Sesshomaru kept his attention anchored on Rin as she slept deeply. Her neck looked as if it hadn't been touched, the stone rising and falling as she dreamed.

"They never come back whole."

"All that matters is that she's not dead," He spoke against his knuckles.

"What will you do when she doesn't look at you the same?"

"Then I deserve it."

Mego shrugged her shoulders, dragging her eyes across the illuminated walls.

"You can't save everyone you love who dies," She brushed her nose with the tips of her fingers.

"I know," He growled.

"But do you know?" She wasn't entirely confident in him.

Sesshomaru gathered himself on his feet. Blood sticking the ends of his hairs together and sweat had curled his bangs in disarray. He pointed his gaze at his mother. For the first time, he witnessed the lazy beauty of her face break into despair.

"I know," He said with more sharpness. She nodded.

"I won't do it again. Meddling with the dead has consequences."

" There won't be an _again_."

"One day she will die and you will have to mourn her properly."

And she knew that that day would be sooner than he would anticipate. Humans dropped away like flies. Every century there would be another one, surviving for only a season's worth. And he'd end up replacing Rin with someone else. Searching for her inside of a new living thing to covet. She'd seen it in his father as the woman in between his bouts of sadness.

But a good mother doesn't besmirch the father of her child.

"I understand."

"Good."

All she could do was watch him wade through his life until hers stopped. Mego lowered her head, folding her hands behind her back as she moved to leave him be.  The floating wisps of light imitating the languor of her stride.

"I know what to do now, mother," Sesshomaru's voice caused her to hesitate. Satisfaction spread her lips into a smile. The otherworldly nature of her old power sustained the room's warmth– equivalent to a thousand arms tangled in an embrace. _This could've been home._

"I'm glad," And she left him to ruminate on his future. Tugging an abundance of fire light with her.

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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I thought it would be different for Sesshomaru to realize that he is capable to love through Rin instead of Kikyou. Romantic love doesn't have to be the catalyst to understanding one's capacity to be compassionate to others. Rin came way before Kikyou too. I don't think at this point Sesshomaru and Kikyou are in love with each other either. I'm still trying to figure out a moment that will be pivotal for them. Long story short just figuring things out as I go along. IDK how I feel about this chapter though. I go back and reread the first couple of chapters and wonder how I even got here. I can't decide if the story itself just isn't what I had really planned at first or if the characters are just evolving. That prob doesn't make sense but this isn't the same story I started with ahahaha.


	29. Rapture

_What appeared at the end of the arrow was a sleek white glow. A demon standing under the sleeping murderer of her sister. His hair washing around him like a river drenched in blinding sunlight. Each strand floating in the wind like spider webs. White like a ghost. White like her knuckles as she prepared herself._

_"State your business!" Kaede mimicked the bravado of a confident lord._

_And he looked over his shoulder. Tight lipped. His face sewn together by many gods. Wordless for what felt like an eternity until he fully turned to face her. Stepping closer and closer. Wading between the real world and Kaede's captivation. He stopped at the very end of her arrow._

_He stood beautifully a foot or two taller. Casting his shadow unto her as he blocked the hot sun._

_"So it's true?" He finally spoke._

_"What is?" Kaede spat. The bow and arrow still tugged and tight between her fingers. And the demon said nothing, he only narrowed his eyes at her. She dropped her gaze to Inuyasha's lifeless body behind him, and then it all made sense._

_"It is." And with the truth, he was gone before she could blink. Leaving a cold wind at his wake that kissed up her arms, beneath the thin fabric, and washed along her cheeks._

_And the demon came back three times. The fourth time, Kaede imposed her company after deciding that he wasn't much of a threat for the time being. She had watched him stare at Inuyasha for a full day the second time. The third time, he only lingered till dusk._

_"Mourning never really ends," She stood behind him. Under the stars. Beneath the bright full moon. Inuyasha's ink black hair clung to his face and his body seemed much smaller. It was only the second time she had seen his body change so._

_"I'm not mourning," He quickly reprimanded her, but his tone was even. Nary a trace of disbelief, bewilderment, nor discomfort._

_"Then what are you doing? It's my business since I've allowed you to live this long."_

_"Then you're twice the fool."_

_"Shame on my soul for regarding your ilk with empathy," And she was sincere. He was a demon and he never asked for pity. But she knew what sadness looked like. It didn't have to wear an expression. She saw it in the way he stood staring at Inuyasha. And if it wasn't sadness, it was some kind of disappointment. He took one last sweeping gander before sauntering towards the thick of trees, "He deserved it."_

_"He did," She affirmed._

_But he kept coming back. As though he were really having trouble with the acceptance. Despite how passionately he rebuked Inuyasha. He still seemed struck with awe. He reminded Kaede of Kikyou in the familiar way that he lied about his feelings. Or maybe he couldn't convey them­–like Kikyou could never convey hers._

_Maybe. Just maybe...she extended too much empathy._

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_"Why do you keep coming back?"_

_He would never answer_

_The eighth time she stopped asking._

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There was no sense of time in Naraku's castle. The windows and doors that led to the sky only revealed a permanent state of gloom. Befitting for her darkening mood as her body broke apart. She laid on her side, opening and closing her hand. Thinking about those pale flowers that grew from the mouth of the well. She hadn't eaten a soul in quite some time, but there was an oppressive force within the bubble Naraku trapped himself in. It quickened her decay.

"Do you wish to expire, Kikyou?" Naraku had been standing in the doorway for a while.

"I've always wondered how long I could go on for," Her tone rattled and she grimaced at the sound of her own voice.

Naraku stepped over her pitiful form. Pulling with him a necklace of three fat souls. They floated around him and curled when he bent on his knees.

"You're no use to me this way."

"Then I hope my demise seeps into the cracks of your floors. And I'd haunt you with a passion no evil nor good could expel."

He laughed darkly. His smile touching the corners of his eyes.

"You already do, Kikyou," He exhaled and she looked up at him. He looked more human than he had however long ago it had been. His pitiless expression betrayed the sincerity of his voice. She found that she could not hold his gaze. He never blinked. Like a dead person he was frozen in whatever plagued him.

"Do you remember the last thing you said to Onigumo?" Naraku ran his fingers through her hair and when she did not answer, to his disappointment, he continued.

"On the last day. It was sweltering. He had soiled himself and the sweat loosened his fresh bandages. You said to him, with well played kindness– _'You must be of some good. You've been given a second chance.'_ Do you remember?"

She didn't want to remember, but she had smelled his skin and defecation a good reach before the cave. It was an unforgettable rancid.

"How could I forget?" She had died not too long after.

"I'm just amused. This isn't what you two had in mind as a second chance." He patronized her.

"You speak as if he weren't you– like you were never human," As if he wasn't the sole reason for their predicament. Had he fully understood the enormity in which he had destroyed lives? Was the destruction of the two people he resented not enough? Naraku was cunning, but his eyes reflected mindless evil.

"How much of you has really changed? How much of Onigumo have you not destroyed?" Even as hatred curled her tongue, she genuinely wanted to know. They had both died and come back. In different ways  but how much had he lost? She'd lost so little in comparison. And why was that? Kikyou couldn't help but wonder if he was beyond saving– but that was the priestess in her; the necessity to do good and fix the wrongs of the world.

"Kikyou, it is not my fault that you felt pity for a _despicable_ person. For every act of kindness there is the thirst for chaos," He revealed his awareness.

"Are you attempting to instigate a confession?" She snorted and his fingers crept from her scalp to her face. Naraku traced her upper lip with his thumb as if he were inspecting a broken object.

"Love is quite awful. It sweeps in and breaks everything in its way." As she spoke she thought of Kagura.

Naraku withdrew his hand from her face and cracked his knuckles. He rose to his feet with an elegance only demons possessed. Leaving behind the souls to taunt her– he knew it wouldn't be long before she cracked.

She couldn't die but she'd sit in agony. Until her skin hung loose.

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_Sesshomaru watched the snow gather in the thick of Inuyasha's lashes. And all he could think to himself is what now? He had nobody, but maybe he was a fool for ever thinking he could count on his half witted, half blooded, half of nothing brother. Despite how little he regarded Inuyasha, he made a promise to his father and failed. When it came to oath keeping and pure honesty, he failed a lot. He swallowed hard as his warm tongue grazed his teeth. The snow turned to ice on Inuyasha's lips and Sesshomaru cringed._

_"He's still here. Hasn't rotted. His bones still intact..." She started but this day was different. At the crack of her voice, he lunged for her with blinding speed. Before she could feel her feet off the ground, she felt his hands at her neck._

_And he held her in a tight grip. The muscles in her throat rolling against his palms. There was a pregnant silence as she struggled gracefully. Swallowing her gasps as she wrapped her hands around his wrists. Her one eye resembling a dark ocean. Or an empty lake. Both alike in their unsearched doubt._

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 Kikyou knew that she belonged _somewhere_. It wasn't intentional and may not go on forever, but a path had been carved out for her. As she sunk further into her own body, she realized that no good could ever come out of her resistance. That somewhere could be in the arms of Sesshomaru or a place uncharted, but it wasn't rotting like a fruit for Naraku's amusement. She ate all three souls and a suppressed version of life tore through the damage of her neglect.

"One day, I'm going to kill you," she said without a hitch in her voice. Naraku gazed at her with equal calm.

Love is a terrible condition. Much like a disease in how it will riddle the body useless. Eyes can't see straight nor through fog. Arms become weak and flesh too tender to touch. Love will leave the body raw and the mind sick. It ruins just as much as it uplifts.

Kikyou knew more broken hearts than healed ones.

Naraku drew closer, standing two heads taller. She hadn't realized how dead the silence was until his footsteps echoed around them.

"All that matters is that you try." Like he had done for so long.

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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I felt like this was a good place to stop. I could've waited a little longer but I wanted to post something. Next chapter will be better. I promise. It's finished in my brain storage. :// Lowkey the first draft spiraled into a sick KikyoxNaraku which I will save for a one shot one day. All errors I miss eventually get fixed. I should prob get a beta reader.


	30. Despair

_"I thought we could be endless," Izayoi had murmured, her breath manifested against the cold. She shook with fragility as she stared down at her hands. Sesshomaru had asked her when was the last time she and Inuyasha had eaten, but she ignored him. Her mind was on a torturous journey. He could tell in the bleakness of her stare._

_"There's a euphoria after lying with a demon. I could feel the infinite years slide inside of me too– I was becoming invincible."_

_It always ended up like this. Izayoi attempting to put what was broken back together and Sesshomaru reminding her that he wasn't his father. He wondered if Izayoi's madness was simply the condition of human women. Was she just unlucky in her lustful pickings?_

_"We could've been endless," She repeated five more times._

_Sesshomaru wondered if his father was truly resting in peace. He had left quite a mess in the tangible world. Everything he had touched and loved was scattered in the air._

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Rin wouldn't wake up. His mother had assured him that prolonged dormancy was normal but she still _looked_ dead. It taunted his ego, serving as a reminder that he'd failed again, but patience was his strongest virtue. Patience beautified the disaster he would unleash onto those unfortunate enough to cross him.

"What will you do now, Lord Sesshomaru?" Toran was the first to greet him upon his return. Everyone else kept their eyes glossy and heads low. The incident hadn't left the castle in too much despair. Everything still seemed visibly pleasing. Not that it mattered too much. If the roof had caved in on the place, he wouldn't have much of a heart to salvage it. Truthfully, he was disappointed that the placed hadn't flipped in chaos.

"Where is Kohaku?" He managed to suppress a growl as a servant stumbled in a mild spell of anxiety.

"The boy?" Toran followed behind him.

Sesshomaru responded with a vicious hum, following Kohaku's scent– it was much like Kikyou's and that made him clench his jaws. Jaken sprung toward them, profusely sobbing.

"Lord Sesshomaru– such a swift recovery! I was scared you wouldn't return to us!!" Jaken tactlessly alluded to his silent grieving.

"Jaken, you **_ridiculous_** little man, I always come back!" It had only been four days. Sesshomaru always wondered how Jaken supposedly thought so highly of him but had room enough to doubt.

"You are a sturdy bastard," Toran huffed.

Doors led to more doors, until they arrived to an opening in the floor, wooden stairs disappearing into the gaping blackness.

"Did you know that Gorou had a dungeon?" Toran took it upon herself to lead the way down into the stink of many deaths.

"You've certainly become well acquainted with this vortex of bad luck," Sesshomaru sneered.

"They say you're too busy with your nose in the sky to pay such details attention."

" ** _They_** say a damn lot."

"Don't disrespect my master with facetious gossip you brazen woman!" Jaken stomped his tiny feet but Toran and Sesshomaru merely exchanged glances. A brief smile illuminated her usually poised features. Jaken simply became a backdrop to their mutual understanding. Sesshomaru then realized that he'd gotten used to excessive company and decided that it wasn't so bad– he could accept a crowded heart.

He and Jaken followed Toran into the mouth of the dungeon, attacked by the pungent waff of gnawed bones and rotten teeth. It was a tight space beneath the castle and the smell might as well have been a ghost of its own.

"Kohaku!" Jaken waddled towards the rusted bars. Kohaku stirred only a little. The shadows engulfed half of him. His back catching the light as he hunched over, face in his knees. As Sesshomaru approached the old cage, he stared at the back of Kohaku's neck. The boy said nothing. Even as Jaken began to beat against the old metal with his staff.

"Why did he do it, Kohaku?" Sesshomaru gripped Jaken's staff mid swing. Kohaku only raised his head, gazing into the pitch blackness. Toran scooted and crunched the dirt or bones under her foot.

"Speak when you are spoken to!" Jaken screamed and Sesshomaru winced.

"Is Rin dead?" Kohaku's voice rattled deadpan.

"If she were, how would you pay for it?" Sesshomaru retorted. Kohaku hesitated and his head fell back. His body language was the ill effort of something not human pretending to be. He turned his body to reveal a vacant leer. Empty and longing for the desire to be filled. The same way Kikyou had looked at him many times before. His mother cooed in his head about the living dead– _there are consequences, Sesshomaru._ What would he do when Rin finally awoke and looked at him wicked calm?

"Seeing that there is no way to quantify the value of life, then you can do with me as you wish."

"Kill you? Is that what you want?"

"Lord Sesshomaru, you can't kill what's already dead."

"What does Naraku have planned?"

"What he's always planned."

"What does that have to do with me and what is mine!?" Sesshomaru's voice boomed, startling Toran and Jaken.

"To use the priestess to make Magatsuhi stronger– if you eradicate all means of goodness there is no room for it to flourish," Kohaku said dryly.

"What does Rin have to do with his personal grudge?"

"He killed Rin for his own amusement and to distract you."

"Well this is quite the bird's song– why should we believe anything he says, Lord Sesshomaru?" Toran stood beside Sesshomaru, searching the depths of his cool.

"You're going to take me to him, Kohaku." Unaware of himself, Sesshomaru cracked his knuckles. Kohaku did not refuse him. He simply shrugged and continued to stare off into the bleakness of his future.

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Kikyou hadn't realized that Naraku was everywhere. He was the tiny hole in a leaf, the broken rocks at the bottom of a lake, a bird's single eye, and the turning season itself. Of all things, he was the cut of the wind itself. They appeared out of thin air in a rush of violet, black tendrils of smoke. Darkness suddenly became light, leaving Kikyou faint. The blackness of his hidden hell had intoxicated her. The sensation of sunlight stung and the world before her had no hard edges. Only soft blurry curves.

Naraku held her close. Her back pressed into him, his hand as false security at her stomach.

"Now what?" She snarled, forcing her body to feel light. Forsaking her own skin– she wished to step out of herself but that's what he wanted. He wanted her to feel trapped. She decided that if she were going to win, he couldn't have the pleasure of her rigid spine.

"I'll give you a head start, Kikyou." Naraku's lips brushed the tip of her ear. His warm breath dripping insidiously down the length of her neck. As an act of protest, she didn't shiver. His hand fell from her stomach as he stepped around her– broadly gesturing forward.

"Men like you are always so cryptic." She quirked a brow.

"Perhaps you just lack an imagination."

"What should I be imagining, _Onigumo_? You've been the one with the answers this _entire_ _time_."

Naraku remained self-possessed. His guise unchanging as he titled his head to the side, the tangled knots of his hair breaking apart over his shoulder. He licked his bottom lip as he stalled his rebuttal. It bothered her that she'd yet to see him blink. It reminded her that he wasn't bound to the world– surpassing the nettlesome desires of the soul.

" _Kikyou_ , if you shut out the noise..." He murderously emphasized her name, "you can hear the design of a body falling apart."

"I can't imagine. Does it lull you to sleep?"

He grinned, dragging his eyes to her lips. Unblinking. An animated corpse.

"Pray tell– what does my body sound like to you?"

"The wind sweeping ashes over hundreds of dead bodies– all the people you couldn't save," He replied. Her hardened facade faded and his eyes lit with merciless glee at her stupefaction.

"You now see where we differ. You have not annihilated your guilt. It's not too late, we can do it together." His smile deepened.

"I'd rather be chopped to pieces and fed to pigs."

He nodded and suspired, standing straight and tall.

"A small part of you still cares for Inuyasha–no?"

She didn't respond and he found her reticence amusing.

"If you don't care about him, surely you care about your sister?"

And that won him her undivided attention. She cut him a sideways gander.

"Coincidences can be quite unfair. We can both attest to that."

"What do you want from me, Naraku?" _Other than her affections to smother both of them._

His smile faded and his look became one of indifference.

"You've split yourself apart to be rid of a woman, only to find her again and again. How I must've cursed you– what a plague I must be to you," she spat and he grabbed her face with enough force, he very well could've broken her.

"I want the last of your being dusted from existence. By smite or consumption, the choice is yours," His eyes bore into her. A crooked limb snapped from his flesh, pulling ribbons of blood from his back.

"Ahead of us are Inuyasha and your sister. I will briefly allow your fate to be in your hands," Naraku's lips curled plainly. He released her, with an all-knowing gander that encouraged her to understand how deep his depravity could sink.

Kikyou stumbled away from him, recognizing that she was the wheel meant to drag his doom. The blood drenched limb shot downward, aiming for her throat, but she was swift. It caught and shredded the hem of her sleeve. Other parts of him pulled from his body, ripping away from his clothes. Like a fresh flower or spider stirring from the darkness, Naraku sprawled himself throughout the trees. Blocking the sunlight and drenching her in his far-reaching shadows.

The prettiness nor the roundabout of her words could petrify him. To think that she had any inkling of power over Naraku– her ego faltered. Before he changed his mind, she seized the opportunity, sprinting free of his blackness painted in the dirt. Kikyou ran until her ears began to ring; the suppression he had used on her body slipping in small tingles.

There was a time where she could've fought him alone. Before her existence depended on the suffering of others, she would've cut him down herself.

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"You two are awfully quiet." Kaede walked between Inuyasha and Kagome–as the anchor that linked them. They both shared a glance. A halfhearted smile cracked Kagome's solemn look. She'd been gone for three days and sometimes Inuyasha would forget what she looked like. A new thing about her would reveal itself or she'd smell like all the fingers that had touched her. Her mother's scent in her hair, the fullness of her cat along her sleeves, and the small whiffs of her friends at her arms or in her palms from holding hands. He noticed the single dimple of her left cheek this time.

He smiled back at her. They hadn't really talked, but in the absence of her yammering and him never quite knowing what to say, they healed. Inuyasha reached an arm around Kaede's back and gave Kagome a gentle shove. The strap of her backpack slipped from her shoulder and she snickered. She too reached to nudge him but his hand caught hers and their fingers laced like a stitched wound.

But as their arms dropped, Kaede stopped walking. Her back crashed into their arms and they let go.

Just as quickly as they had decided to forgive each other Kikyou stormed from the trees, sweeping across the vast stretch of dead grass. Her hair wildly whipping across her face as she approached them. Inuyasha dashed for her and Kagome opened her mouth but not a sound would leave her.

Kaede's heart crawled into her throat. She stumbled back, reaching for Kagome's hand.

And Inuyasha screamed her name for the both of them. Blood curdling and passionate; drawing up a cold stiffness in Kagome's knees.

Kikyou crashed into him, pounding her fists against his chest with resistance. She fought the tangle of his arms with rabid apprehension. Her eyes gaped with horror and hatred.

"Let go of me, Inuyasha!" Her throat was raw– as if she'd been screaming or drowning. She still knew him too well– the confusion that wrinkled his face, she followed it to the cross timbre of his growl. When words evaded him, when his feelings betrayed him, in the way of struck boys, he'd crumble.

Inuyasha stopped, dug his claws into her arms in an effort to cease her wild lunges without hurting her. As he parted his lips to swear at her, Kikyou grabbed a fistful of his robe.

"Inuyasha," She began lowly, with a shaky lilt," You can stand here and die– but you will get out of my way so that I can save my sister!"

Anger and sadness split through him. His eyes widened like a rising sun. But before she could break away, before he undid the mess of their arms, the fullness of trees behind her seemed to take a deep breath, a force deeply exhaling the air westbound until there was nothing but silence. The branches popped as they were pulled back.

"Please let go of me," she whispered yet her voice summoned the release of the trees. A sharp gust of dry air blew her further into him. From the depths of the forest sprung the twisted reach of a fleshy appendage, lancing itself through her abdomen and exiting Inuyasha's back. It twisted itself through them with malicious purpose. Kikyou made no noise. She swallowed her cry but Inuyasha released a guttural 'fuck'.

Unable to scream, Kagome unbuckled her knees, but Kaede stopped her. She whipped around to beam at the old woman, perplexed, anxious, and her head panging with fear.

"You should go get the others." It was a command and Kagome hesitated as bits of Naraku crawled from around the trees.

"You gotta come with me!" Kagome wailed but Kaede's grip on her elbow tightened.

She needn't say anymore. Kagome nodded.

The limb pulled cleanly through them, leading a stream of Inuyasha's blood through Kikyou and into the grass. They both slumped into each other.

"A muddy puddle could be just that to one man, but to another it could mean opportunity," Naraku croaked, fully revealing himself. In an act of grandeur, he destroyed a trail of trees, leaving sprays of dead forest critters.

_Sometimes love sweeps in and destroys everything in its way._

Inuyasha's fingers curled around the helm of Tessaiga as he fought the shock screaming inside of him. Blood poured from his punctured flesh. Naraku missed his heart on purpose– as a horrid act of mercy meant to tantalize.

"For shame, Kikyou. You flubbed such a generous opportunity," Naraku laughed as she crawled from Inuyasha's arms, covered in his blood.

A whistling arrow clipped strands of Inuyasha's hair, almost grazing his ear in its aim for Naraku. It pierced a thick wad of his loose skin, the bright glow of its blow absorbed into his flesh but it only left a gaping lesion.

Kaede swore under her breath, wishing she'd been half as strong as her sister. Her hands shook with age but that did not stave her gall. While she could not offer the same finesse and accuracy, she made up for it with astute audacity. Kaede snatched up another arrow.

Kikyou madly sprinted for her sister as more tendrils of Naraku rushed towards them. Inuyasha drug Tessaiga through the waves that reached for Kikyou, hacking away with the efficiency of an unsatisfied butcher.

"You never fight for yourself, Inuyasha. It's always at the expense of others!" Naraku jeered, unfazed by the sprinkles of his own blood poisoning the soil. Inuyasha drowned out the burning truth. He was still willing to lose all four limbs for Kikyou in spite of her unquenched disdain for him.

Kikyou slid through the soft mud, clenching her fists as she approached Kaede, standing between the next arrow and Naraku.

"You stupidly stubborn little girl!" Kikyou spat. Kaede's unsteady hands pained her more than the breeze licking against the gash of her lower abdomen.

"Move out of my way!" Kaede elevated her wheezy voice a note higher. Her eye roamed the echo of her sister. The open hole of Kikyou's stomach reminded her of a chewed rotten apple, with bugs pouring from its withered core. All she could conjure inside of herself was the grave she had dug for Naraku and the unforgivable devastation of who she could've been.

 _Look what you've done to my family._ It ripped through her. She yelled for Kikyou to move again, but her sister rushed upon her. Kikyou lifted a hand and struck Kaede with the might of all the mothers that had failed them. Kaede stumbled back and dropped the arrow.

"Death is not your friend– no matter the gist of your intentions!" Kikyou snatched the bow from Kaede's wobbly hands.

"I reserve the right to hurt him if I cannot kill him!" Despite the wrinkles that weighed down her face, her bitter nerve had not softened with age.

"You reserve no such right! Fate has done right by you, Kaede. Has that not been enough?"

Kaede pressed her lips into a hard line and snorted– like all the other times Kikyou had been right. She nodded with heavy jaws and relieved herself of the arrows. Kikyou looked ahead and noticed that Kagome had lingered. _Pigheaded-ness is a thriving curse_ – Kikyou thought to herself.

Kikyou dismissed Kaede, but the moment breathed like an old memory standing still in time. The way Kikyou shrugged duty over her shoulders, how her eyes stayed beautiful and focused– Kaede couldn't help but think that there could be no other way for her sister to thrive. Kikyou was forever in an unbreakable cycle, treading heart-first into the throes of tribulation.

"I will kill you before he does, Kaede," Kikyou turned away from her with expectancy, and Kaede, like always, did what she was told.

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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is only awesome because of tiffthom my awesome beta. ;u; She not only pointed out the errors but helped me put together the structure. Go check out her fics too. She is amazing.


	31. Low-Hanging Fruit

"It must rattle you, Inuyasha..." He sung over Inuyasha's grunts. Meaty deposits of Naraku's flesh littered the leafless brambles and grass. Yet the more Inuyasha sawed away at him, six more appendages would rain down.

"...To be so incompetent– the love of your life even deems you useless."

"Shut your goddamned mouth!" Inuyasha's anger dispersed and all sense eluded him. He lost the rhythm of his tact and sprung into mindless assault. The human part of him resisted rhyme and reason and he fell into Naraku's trap. He took a misstep and another part of Naraku caught hold of his foot. Tessaiga slipped from his hand and stabbed into dirt. He dangled Inuyasha upside down.

" _Stupid is as stupid does_. Don't worry, your friends won't have time to mourn you," Naraku crooned.

Inuyasha's stomach devoured his heart. Heat rushed to his head.

"Isn't this what you ultimately wanted? To die early? Like a human?"

The flesh began to devour his foot. Wet stringy vines, root-like, curled down his calf. Sprawled and laced around Inuyasha's entire body.

"We always get what we wish for eventually," Naraku laughed as he extended his arm to lunge clean through Inuyasha's rib cage.

Inuyasha contemplated how his life should've gone as its entirety twinkled before him, Kikyou released an arrow sending half of her power with it. The energy of her spell, hot and fierce, cutting through the air with the sound of a thousand children screaming. _And she never missed her aim_. The arrow seared through Naraku's arm, the light rippling and cracking away his skin until it dwindled to dust, breaking apart in the winter breeze.

"You never cease to amaze me, Kikyou! I should've subdued you longer!"

The shock set Inuyasha free and he thumped into the red grass. The many layers of Naraku recoiled slightly as he slipped back, gaping at the space that was once his arm with bright delight.

Kagome ran past Kikyou for Inuyasha, startling her.

"Kagome!" Inuyasha and Kikyou howled in perfect sync. From opposite directions, they both ran for Kagome, Kikyou's ire building up as a scream in her throat– _how could Inuyasha tolerate her petulance? Had Kaede at least listened?_

As much as Kikyou cursed her in her mind, the woman in her that was supposed to be good, that tiny piece of her shriveled heart, wouldn't allow Naraku's wrath onto anyone. As Kagome charged to retrieve Tessaiga, she held the fates of too many. The fate of all those lives were bigger than Kikyou's grudge.

Naraku acted swiftly and slithered like an insect from a damp hole, his odd number of legs crawling over Inuyasha as he stampeded for the true prize. Kagome wrapped her fingers around Tessaiga and yanked with all of her feebleness.

Before Naraku could dip down and strike for Kagome, Kikyou beat him, raising her arms and spreading her fingers as the bulk of him collided against the shield of her remaining spiritual energy. He pressed down on the force of her light, and their rivaling spells bled, mingled, and folded into one another. The pulsation of evil snaked its way up her arms, but she was determined and twice as angry. As much as she wanted to hunch forward and bend to him, so that she could relieve herself of rattling bones, there was that desire to figure out the path she had discovered. Could she find what she had lost in rebirth? She needed to know.

Behind Naraku, Inuyasha clawed and ripped his way to them. Kagome responded to her struggle, abandoning her task with Tessaiga. She stood behind Kikyou, almost in an embrace, but she encased her hands at Kikyou's elbows, her fingers tight, her palm pressed against the sharp bones. And to Kikyou's surprise, Kagome mirrored her energy. The power she possessed was untamed and passionate yet no less alike. Naraku easily became lighter, and with one last otherworldly lunge, Kikyou and Kagome's souls emulated each other.  Operating as a single entity, they blasted Naraku into a white wind of gelatinous guts.

The way a farmer disembowels a pig, Naraku's innards splattered like a red rain. Kagome gasped as a wad of skin pecked her cheek, but Kikyou had taken the brunt of the explosion. She was sodden in his blood, swallowing the bitter splotches at her lips.

Yet to no avail, like the roaches that dug their graves for a _someday_ , Naraku's head remained aloft– his smile, his poisonous laughter draining the last bit of Kikyou as she fainted into Kagome's arms. Sorry and too late, Inuyasha finally stopped at their side to reclaim Tessaiga but Naraku's head twirled into black nothingness, vanishing in thin air and leaving behind the putrid spoils of their victory.

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Kikyou's dreams were scarce, and if they presented themselves, they often were memories. Mostly of the time before she died, but Sesshomaru had somehow wedged himself inside of her tomblike cavity.

This time, it was just a simple dream. Her first dream in a long time, vivid in sight, taste, and smell.

Sesshomaru snaked his _arms_ around her, dipping his nose and lips into her scent. Kikyou broke her back to fit inside of him. Hooking her arms around his neck, hoping he would sink the way her heart did; to the bottom of a floorless ocean. **_Down. Down. Down_**...to who **knows** where...? A place as vicious as his kisses, she hoped, unrelenting in the brutal way his claws tore at her soul. Somewhere where his hands left sweet bruises so that she could never lose him. A horrible place that would let her forgive him for making everything thrice as confusing.

 _"Now what?"_ She breathed on his neck.

_"What do you mean?"_

_"You won."_

And she gripped at his hair, desperately inhaling his skin, finding herself delighted by the scent of storm clouds under his chin, and the smell of fall leaves running down his throat.

 _"I love you,"_ Kikyou had been warned never to say it first, but it dangerously compelled her.

 _"Is that so?"_ Sesshomaru's voice dipped.

Like a stone dropped into flat waters, the dream ended. The usual blackness of nothing chasing after.

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"North. Are you sure?" Sesshomaru glared at Kohaku as he waded ahead of him. An entire day had passed and there was no sign of Naraku. He knew it wouldn't be easy to trace him, but he had hoped that Kohaku would prove useful.

"More sure than you are," Kohaku stopped between two fat trees and looked into the early morning sky. Sesshomaru paused, knitting his brows as Kohaku awkwardly staggered back, as if he were spotting the last pocket of stars in the westward sky.

"Kohaku?" Sesshomaru's tone softened uncharacteristically. Kohaku froze in space, gazing into the sky. He made a short noise while he allowed dawn to endear his soul.

"What have you lost since your revival?" Sesshomaru's brows knitted. Kohaku dropped his head and looked directly at Sesshomaru. His almond eyes that of a wasteland, vast and empty.

"Why do you ask?"

"It's of importance is all."

"You revived Rin?"

A wintry silence rustled the naked branches as they both stared into each other. Sesshomaru pressed his lips together, narrowing his eyes against the bitterness of the weather. After waiting for nothing, Kohaku shrugged his shoulders, a glint of sunlight bounced off his armor.

"I think it's a different experience for everyone. Depending on the desperation of one's situation," the empty eyed boy continued, his words running from him like a waterfall, "I don't remember much of anything before I died. Only the important things. What I lost? I haven't had much time to think about it but I have acknowledged an empty space in my heart. Maybe empty isn't the right word– a growing dissatisfaction. What does a sunflower smell like to you, Lord Sesshomaru?"

A fistful of sentiment crammed itself in Sesshomaru's throat, but his disturbance was invisible to the belt of trees surrounding Kohaku. A sunflower smelled like the sticky legs of insects, the lips of girls who'd pressed their face against their pith, drops of sunlight caught in the petals, and life trickling down into soil.

But Sesshomaru remained silent. His ears twitched.

"Well, imagine that as a human. In a way, it's made up for what I no longer have. I can feel everything," Kohaku lifted a finger and tapped his nose, "the lightest poke is purposeful. To demons, I'm sure that feeling is normal but for me– it was once unfathomable."

He wanted to ask if the same would be for Rin. He regretted never asking Kikyou.

"She won't be the same, but she won't be entirely different," Kohaku smiled genuinely.

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Kikyou woke to a warm stickiness and pressure at her stomach. The smell of a familiar brewing crammed the hut with nostalgia– not so bitter but not too sweet. When her vision corrected itself, she sprawled her fingers against the straw matted surface. An ache rattled her bones as she attempted to lift herself. She had exerted all of her strength on Naraku.

"The early bird gets the worm," Kaede hummed.

"How long have I been unconscious?" Kikyou groaned, but the memories lessened her pain.

"A day and a half."

Kikyou swore under her breath, pulled back the sheet and stared at the expanse of her torso. Kaede had generously dressed her wound. For naught–truly. Kikyou couldn't bleed and pain was only an invisible wavelet. An echoing pang of sorts. She smiled and ran her fingertips over the white swaths.

"Did you sleep well– was your dream kind to you?" Kaede's eye brightened. The way she spoke broke Kikyou's stone-like finesse and her face loosened into a girlish smile. Should she be honest with her sister? Would the truth cause her pain and was Sesshomaru a fact that anyone needed to be privy to? She didn't want to think about the sensation of bile bubbling up her throat– the kind of love she needed, the most solidifying forms of it blinked back at her.

"It was the kindest of dreams. The kindest one I've had in a long time," she lied sweetly.

Kaede stopped stirring and perched herself up– in the clumsy way that comes with age.  She looked down at Kikyou, with a watery glare of happiness. At least that's what it looked like to Kikyou.

"I've had a bone to pick with you for fifty years!" Kaede pointed a shaky finger.

"You know to mind yourself properly when addressing your elders, Kaede," Kikyou feebly lifted herself with her elbows and Kaede balled her wrinkly hands into fists. Her mouth opening and closing. When she said nothing for a while, Kikyou gazed back at her. The sun seeped between the gaps of the wood, shooting straight through the holes in the ceiling. Flecks of dust or dirt floated about them.

"Why do you look so woebegone?" Kikyou finally spoke.

"For fifty years, I've had a fat tongue for you– and now I have a chance to speak my mind yet I cannot."

"Life is quite strange. Have you not been happy?"

Kaede uncurled her fists and gaped down at her palms. Her hands had been heavy but the sunlight erased what little anger she had been holding on to. It had been easy to scowl at the thought of what happened to them but facing it was a greater beast. A war not worth winning despite her many triumphant battles.

"I have not, Kikyou." Her honesty surprisingly wasn't cold.

The clacking of sticks, and children treading through the grass engulfed them.

"It is hard to be happy when all one knows is fear and displacement," Kaede shrugged.

"I suppose that's my fault," Kikyou tore the sheets from her body.

"I used to blame you but time has chipped away at my disdain. It happened the way it was meant to."

"Kaede, if you feel as though I've robbed you then it is a truth that I must die again with."

Before Kaede could agree or refute Kikyou's claim, Inuyasha shoved himself into the hut, raking his nails against the straw dangling in the opening.

"Kikyou..." He started but Kaede swatted at him.

"Must you always be so brazen, Inuyasha!" Kaede barked at him but Inuyasha ignored her, like he always did, and his eyes were heavy upon Kikyou– the reach of her pale legs and the distance between her thighs.

"It seems that everyone has a bone to pick with me today. Perhaps I should faint again and feign death," Kikyou huffed and Inuyasha released a disapproving growl.

"Don't say those kinds of things, Kikyou!" He said between his teeth. Kaede snatched the wooden ladle from the boiling pot and swung at him, but Inuyasha caught her hand before she landed the blow.

"I just want a moment with her."

"You've had enough of those that you took for granted!" Kaede conjured up an unfaltering anger he'd never smelled on her. Never in the time he's spent in close proximity with Kaede had she ever shown him such contempt. It bore a semblance to the way Sesshomaru looked at him for simply existing.

"There's enough of me for the both of you," Kikyou grimaced, slinking her arms into her kimono.

Kaede beamed at Inuyasha but his attention never waned from her sister. And she'd witnessed the same plague from so many years ago. Torment darkened his eyes.

"A piece of me won't hurt, Kaede," Kikyou suspired and Kaede complied. She snatched her arm from him but he hadn't felt a thing. The spell that crossed him and left his tongue dry, she'd recognized with disgust as the absolute worst thing that could happen to anyone. She looked at her sister once more before leaving them alone.

A piece of her wasn't enough to water the flowers that sprung in his imagination. An entire sea of her couldn't fix the drought of his throat. She struggled to stand on her feet and his body allowed him to reach for her as she stumbled. _She didn't crumble to dust in his arms_ – and his heart lurched.

"A moment isn't forever, Inuyasha." She gently pulled away and refused to look at him directly. The way he dragged his eyes over her inspired a heaviness in her legs. 

"Don't patronize me," he drawled under his breath.

"You're the patronizing one! If you're searching for retribution I don't have much of it to offer," Kikyou snapped with keen awareness. She wouldn't bring her eyes above his lips. For a while they lingered in the absence of sensibility.

"If you ogle any harder, you just might find what you're searching for..." she gestured to close the opening of her kimono." Not a damn thing."

And as if her words were a broken hymn, he answered with the conviction of a criminal.

"Your sense of humor didn't die with you," he cowed with a shaky voice.

"You know what did die?" She hissed but he wouldn't answer. Kikyou waited for him to guess anything to hide the fact that she didn't have a rebuttal, but she knew that if she didn't say anything he would find her dishonesty. He'd gouge it out of her with his own claws. If he couldn't smell the traces of what once burned her, he'd feel for them.

"What died?" He pleaded but she shook her head. Kikyou moved to step out of the airless space that held them together, but he pulled her back in and she made the mistake of gazing at him.

"We died. All that encapsulated Us. You and I. Gone," she whispered and she hoped that he remembered just how much she hated being forced to admit to anything.

But the answer wasn't good enough and old habits are hard to kill. Inuyasha's hands slipped from her shoulders to trap her face. An old war tactic he used to scrape at the slight opening of her wounds. She knew better fifty years later. Love was such an ugly and repulsive thing.

"You're still a liar." Hopelessness took his breath away and he dug his nails into her cold cheeks. Kikyou gasped and for a moment that wasn't forever, he had her. It was an unsteady fall into the awfully familiar, but hate was equally as passionate as love. She forced her eyes shut.

"Do you still love me, Inuyasha?" If it were possible for her to cry, then she would've unleashed an ocean  that could satisfy his thirst, but she was still rotten with anger. She pressed her hands against his chest, to feel the doubt shift his breathing.

"I do."

"I want to hear you say it," her tone was hushed but scathing in its meekness. He had her. Hook and sink. Tooth and nail, but it was a fleeting compulsion. His sudden withdrawal, his heart hammering against her palm– if anyone was the liar, it was him. She opened her eyes.

"Since when have you ever doubted my feelings?"

"The day I pinned you to a tree."

They became locked in a silence. Kagome was somewhere waiting for him to reveal himself and hoping that Kikyou would disappear.

"I'm no longer a virtuous woman but what you will not do is drag me into the pit of your guilt and messy affections." There was enough venom in her voice to poison him. The emptiness in her eyes paralyzed him and she fiercely tore herself away.

"You get to move on. The sun still rises and your body moves with it. I don't. I don't have anything. I don't get to simply move on." She fastened her kimono and stepped around him, dragging with her the clatter of all the mistakes that led her outside of Kaede's hut. She hissed as the cold slithered up her bare leg and the wind hiked up the loose fall of her kimono.

Normal women fell in love and walked away unscathed but with a broken heart. Kikyou loved and it worsened her spiteful nature. She stormed through the huddled group of children slapping each other with sticks and the way they gaped at her also served as a reminder that she was a shell. A baron wasteland were flowers stopped growing. A garden that couldn't grow fruits.

Inuyasha didn't chase her and she wasn't sure if she should be satisfied or disappointed.

All of her _I love yous_ wrapped around her throat– noose-like.

She stopped in a pasture without cattle, spilling to her knees. The wind split open her kimono and shook her in a cold hug. Kikyou brought her hands to her ears as if that could really drown out the sound of her loud regrets beating against each other.

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Sesshomaru couldn't help but ponder, as Kohaku led him to _who knows_ , on his gradual change. It wasn't overwhelming and his skin was still tight. _This is nice_ – he said inwardly to himself.  Sesshomaru couldn't exactly locate the change inside of him, but it inspired an innocent bewilderment. Whatever he had been scared of or avoiding, it ceased to matter.

Kohaku suddenly stopped. As if he had run into an invisible wall.

"Kohaku?" Sesshomaru's mouth was dry.

A wheezy huff shook from Kohaku's throat and in his efforts to free himself from the wraith-like hold, his bones popped like crackling fire. Sesshomaru made no sudden movements as Kohaku's head snapped back. His eye had become pools of white and his jaws snapped as a force pulled his mouth taut. The wheeze morphed into gargling, and Kohaku began to heave a black substance, viscous like ink or blood. Kohaku lurched himself onto his knees. The mucous spilled out of him in waves– as if he were spitting up his rotten insides but the black essence morphed and twisted itself into a form, slithering through the dirt, sculpting into the silhouette of a man.

Tenseiga began to shake in its scabbard. Sesshomaru reflexively reached down for the ghost of Tokijin and cursed himself.

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	32. Worlds Removed

Arms pulled from the puddle of black bowels. A clawed hand slapped against the dirt, and another hand behind it. The body lifted itself from the spoils and Kohaku dropped on all fours. Sesshomaru took a step back as he watched Magatsuhi pull himself from Kohaku's guts. Grimly, he thought of Kikyou– _he realized why she hadn't waxed lyrical about her insides_.

"Every man is a vessel," Magatsuhi croaked. Thick strings of entrails webbed between his fingers.

"Where is Naraku?" Sesshomaru's voice was smooth. _Where was Kikyou_ – but he couldn't risk the slight shift of his readiness. Magatushi eyeballed him for the tiniest of openings, his glare as fatal as his hands.

"Being a wretch far away from here." Magatsuhi's mirth was more like a growl. Kohaku's hacks thickened with violence, each draw of breath an attack on his body.

"Not too far I suspect. _Every man is a vessel_." Sesshomaru winced and Magatsuhi's mouth split into a toothy grin. All demons are inherently malevolent. It's what has separated them from gods, humans, and the pious. How they dealt with their ruinous existence is what made Sesshomaru unique from the likes of Naraku and his mother.

But Magatsuhi was different in that he was born from corruption. His autonomy only extended to how much pain he could inflict on all living things. Down to the way he held himself upright, his language was obtuse and Sesshomaru was unable to discern the next move. He placed his golden eyes on Kohaku, who had sprawled himself face down as if he were worshiping the idea of defeat.

"You don't doubt yourself often, Sesshomaru," Magatsuhi carped. "Doubt can quickly turn to fear."

Sesshomaru sprinted into the trees, determining that Magatsuhi's words were his definite weapon. And like Sesshomaru had anticipated, the shill of evil followed after him at viperous speed. He mentally conjured every foreseeable outcome. The first strike wouldn't kill Magatsuhi, but with enough duress Sesshomaru could maim him. Ten heartbeats and he slid into a halt. His poison shot and tangled around the trees, snapping a trail of them in half, barely grazing his target.

"You're off balance _again_ , Lord Sesshomaru. What has gone awry inside of you?" Magatsuhi moved with the tedious calm of a warlock. A greater distance one moment, then he sprung himself from beneath Sesshomaru. He could be in multiple spaces all at once. Magatsuhi jabbed his palm into Sesshomaru's chest, and the blow sent his body skidding. In a failed attempt to catch himself, Sesshomaru tumbled until his back slammed against a tree. The bark splintered with a surge of crackling and the strike left a burning hot sensation that seeped under his skin, pulsating like a stampede of tiny bugs eating away at his muscles.

"I think I know what ails you. Is it your soft spot for brown eyes?" Magatsuhi's lilt swung with delight. Sesshomaru gathered himself with a wobbly swiftness.

"They're quite delicious but you don't like to eat them. Do you?" His shadow lessened as he drew near. The pain in Sesshomaru's chest spread itself until he could taste the heat in his jaws.

"I know you're wondering– _where is Kikyou_? Her eyes are very pretty but possessing her must be akin to an illness. Naraku can't seem to pry himself from her–it's repulsive."

Sesshomaru's body screamed to lunge for him, but he knew that's what he wanted. A visceral response to the crack of his dark lips and the sallow emptiness of his eyes. He smothered his fury with a glower.

"He offered her to me but who wants a man's scraps? Sesshomaru..."

His heart answered to his name with a hard thud and that's when he realized the little bugs were Magatsuhi's teeth sinking into him.

"After he broke all her bones and sucked away her skin I couldn't help but wonder– I thought about you and wondered what it must be like to share a meal? But you have been a covetous man...."

A thought that wasn't his presented itself. _Kikyou's eyes behind tendrils of black._ Delivered and bursting into a very real daydream.

"To want things that aren't yours and end up with the waste of many others. In a way it has inspired me to feel empathy – so I'm asking you first..." Magatsuhi's smile vanished. "Where should I start? With her eyes or work my way up from her toes?"

"Are you asking for my permission?" Sesshomaru canted.

"I want the least chewed up parts of her."

Sesshomaru mentally picked away the pockets of pain growing inside of him and sped for an attack. Magatsuhi responded immediately, dodging the glowing dots of Sesshomaru's frustration. Drops of poison seared away his dark armor and he unveiled the hidden rolls of his laughter. Sesshomaru felt his limbs familiarly grow cold and cursed himself. Magatsuhi caught his frozen arm and locked his jaws with a dagger-like grip on his face, his nails breaking the skin of his cheeks. Sesshomaru bore his teeth and hissed. Magatsuhi snaked himself closer, dragging his tongue along Sesshomaru's reddened face.

" _Does the smell of my death entice you_?" Her cadence acridly dripped from Magatsuhi's ugly and wide mouth. There were many things Sesshomaru had learned how to hide. His disappointment, his grief, his failures, and his worries hidden behind the burn of his eyes but his father, or maybe he just stopped listening long ago, had failed to teach him how to suppress heartache. With rue, his torment blossomed on his face like a fresh bruise, eyes widening.

" _Maybe I am depraved..."_   Magatsuhi's tongue traced the inside of his ear and Sesshomaru's suffering led him to a field, dusk and the sky littered with stars. Kikyou's hair had weaved through the grass and with the affliction in her voice, her fingers twitched– _" I'm simply a miserable person and I don't know why. I've been cursed to forever be miserable. Even in death. Even in hell..."_

Magatsuhi had to die and it had to be that day. He wouldn't allow him to live a day longer.

" _You could cut me open and find out...Lord Sesshomaru."_  Magatsuhi had clearly mistaken him for a fool.  They were just words, stolen and sharpened. And no matter how well he dressed them, they would never belong to him. If Magatsuhi shifted himself into Kikyou, sinister and naked it still wouldn't be enough to petrify him. The sheer audacity boiled his blood and he was angry at himself for allowing the swine to reach that deep into him. A growl rose from Sesshomaru's gut and it forced away the prickly sting of Magatsuhi's will-bending power.

But before he could tear his arm away and grab at his throat, Kohaku's sickle ripped through the air and wedged itself deep inside of Magatsuhi's back. He withdrew himself from Sesshomaru's space and glared over his shoulder seemingly unfazed. Kohaku's legs were visibly as fragile as sticks as he tugged on the chain. Magatsuhi ripped away from Sesshomaru, who then regained an impulsive surge of his own willpower.

Before Magatsuhi's could reach Kohaku, Sesshomaru took his claw and sliced through his arm in one sweeping motion. His arm sizzled and split open, revealing bloodless meat. Kohaku side stepped out of the way as Magatsuhi stumbled into a stupor. Amusement brought life to his empty gander. Real and raw as his mirth bubbled up from his chest.

"Sesshomaru... "Magatsuhi's own voice resurfaced. He reached around and yanked Kohaku's sickle from his back. He yanked again with vile force, of magic, and reeled Kohaku in like a gutted fish. The invisible force running down the chain seared Kohaku's hands, but as his feet dragged through the dirt he could not free himself. And judging by the lack of struggle, Sesshomaru figured he wouldn't have tried to save himself anyway.

When Kohaku was an arm's length away, Magatsuhi snatched him by the scalp and led him into a headlock. Despite the weakening of Magatsuhi's hold, Sesshomaru was still unable to respond as quickly as he would've liked. The pain made his muscles feel human all over again. Kohaku did not put up a fight, and even if it was no use to– he knew they had both been taught to never lay down and die. It enraged Sesshomaru but he had to remember that Kohaku had probably given up the day his soul wasn't decidedly his.

"It's a shame that you don't cater to what you really are, Sesshomaru." Magatsuhi ran a hand down Kohaku's face.

 _Who did he think he was?_ But that was a trap Sesshomaru wasn't going to step into. He held his tongue and his rage pillaged through his right mind. Violence was an innate part of him but there were rules to spinning the wheels of nature. _Weeds cannot grow without sunlight_. Magatsuhi's power surpassed right and wrong–spited the very roots of nature.

A long time ago, Sesshomaru would've admired such power but as the impossibilities brought color to his face, he realized how truly disgusting one must have to be to revel in such madness.

Magatsuhi's arm healed itself with fleshy stitches and Sesshomaru bucked when his mind became clear. He leaped into the air and struck down at his opponent with another attempt of his whip. Magatsuhi, still holding onto Kohaku, vanished and reappeared in the shadow of a tree. The poisonous whip cracked the surface and murdered a patch of grass.

"The gods brought us humans to feed on. They are pets at best." Magatsuhi hackled and drove his finger into Kohaku's eye. The sound that left his tiny body matched the smoke and terror of a village on fire. _What was worse_ , shock would not slip him into a dream.

 _To surpass the soil thirsting for rain_. Magatsuhi gouged out Kohaku's left eye, turned his wrist and gaped at its slickness, then ran his fat tongue across his teeth. Kohaku's lament was whispery and strangled.

"Why do you rob yourself of absolute joy?" Magatsuhi tilted back his head and dropped the eyeball into his mouth. A slow roll of his throat and he thrust Kohaku to the dirt.

At the thump of Kohaku's limbs, as Magatsuhi plucked at the invisible strings that held him in place, Sesshomaru felt a sudden pang of lightness and leaped one more time and aimed with his fist. Magatsuhi didn't move.  He welcomed Sesshomaru's strike and allowed it to crack his jaw. It sent his body soaring but time froze. The wind shaking the trees stopped but the branches still bent. Magatsuhi forced himself with his power from crashing into a tree.

"Sesshomaru..." Kohaku's words were sucked into the dirt and his body collapsed under a void. Before Sesshomaru could catch his breath and reconcile with the gravity of his many mistakes, the world shifted to black. Soundless and without light. Magatsuhi's body began to float through the darkness, his face a waxing moon.

"What is the reward in pandering to humans?" As Magasuhi spoke, his body morphed and shifted into what Sesshomaru's imagination could never fathom.

"I don't pander to anyone!" Sesshomaru failed to smoothen out his composure. The sudden turn of the world dulled his sense of smell and sight. They were inside a windless tornado. Sparks of power turned about them like the stirring of stars.

"Oh but you do– your face is quite remorseful." Magatsuhi was nothing but a gaping mouth to hell and his eyes two cursed suns. "You lie so terribly. To yourself most of all. All the likes of you lie to yourself. This world disgusts me."

Sesshomaru thought of his father's look of disappointment and he didn't know why. He knew he was standing but he couldn't feel the pressure under his feet.

"Has it been worth it?" Magatsuhi crooned. "Has bargaining with your heart for nothing not left you empty? You couldn't have your brother's birthright so you settled for the woman he left barren. What's the point in watering a dead flower? Surely you know better– you deserve more than that. The desperation that seeps from you is more pungent than your sweat."

There was the time when he was human. He'd never been introduced to fear and death had never scared him. The nightmares had been very real then. It was strange not being able to see his life ahead of him as he undid himself. He remembered the smell of bowels deep in the threads of her hakama, but underneath all of the sacrifice smeared into her skin, when he was able to fully smell what made her, he was able to fall asleep, dream of nothing and awaken, leaving his worries in her lap.

Where was the lie? He _had_ lost himself.

"There is still time for redemption, Sesshomaru. You know who you are and what you're meant to be." Magatsuhi's voice echoed throughout the timeless space. That fire-like tightness squeezed around his heart. The crawling sensation returned but this time it sprouted everywhere. In his toes, behind his eyes, inside of his head, and pouring out of his ears.

Sesshomaru tried to remember a time when his life was truly fruitful. In between Jaken and Rin. Before the deep eyes of Kikyou. Before the death of his father, he found that happiness had never been in abundance. Yet, he could pinpoint the time when he stopped feeling lonely. The day the egg he had saved from ruin hatched. Two heads, four eyes that looked at him as if they knew he'd been waiting for an answer to his existence. It was the first time he had discovered purpose but he was too young to dissect the satisfaction that warmed his face.

"Not all things that are lost can be found." Magatsuhi disturbed something inside of him. Against the writhing pain, a secret burst, and rushed to his head. Cool like submerging into the sea, a specter took shape in his armless sleeve.

Sesshomaru had asked his father how old he was once. When the concept of time seemed distant and ridiculous. His father had said– _"Worlds upon worlds removed."_

From the depths of his lived centuries twisting into a singular horizon, he gained a new hand so that he could better embrace that near future. He forged a new weapon with the nerve he had long shared with Inuyasha.

Through the stream of time, shaking his bones, his ancestors breathed _'Bakusaiga.'_ His father, centuries later, wasn't so ridiculous after all.

Magatsuhi was going to die.

x

x

x

Love needed hatred to thrive; like wild weeds needed sunshine and water to grow. Never as pretty as a flower but still valid. Danger couldn't start wars nor end them without passion. One of her soul catchers twisted itself around her wrist, its body reminding her of dry ice. _Death could not be without life–_ she swallowed the souls of two peasant girls.

"Who are we now?" Kaede brought her back from the mystery of their bygones. Kikyou stopped living in her head and opened her eyes to a moonless sky.

"What do you mean?" She reached out her other hand and pressed her palm against Kaede's wrinkled knuckles. _Any time now– the stars would pass over them._ They both sat in the grass, waiting for the sky to send forth the answers they had been longing for.

"You rob graves, sister. That is what all of your greatness has amounted to."

Kikyou's otherworldly creature gazed up at her and blinked slowly, as if it were anticipating her response too.

"What does that have to do with me and you?" She narrowed her eyes at the beady red ones that pierced her shell of a body.

"Do you intend to stay this way and leave me in the afterlife alone?" Kaede was beginning to sound like her tiny self. That unforgiving and incisive little girl still deepened her frown.

"Have you already gone and dug yourself a grave, Kaede?" Kikyou looked at her sister incredulously. Kaede kept her cheeks sunken into her pelt. She then realized the stupidity of such a question. Life was her dusted strands of gray, a silly cowlick fluttering in the wind. Under all those wrinkles, Kikyou found that pouting wasn't exclusive to children.

"I won't need one if you have to devour me."

"What are you implying? Surely there's another way to go about your feelings other than hurting mine."

"You left me to stare at your murderer for half a century..."

"How are your feelings so ill towards him...yet you tolerate his foolishness with that dimwitted little girl?"

A tide of silence and her silver pet loosened its curl from her arm, leering at them, sipping away at the tartness that floated about them.

"Isn't it obvious?" Kaede glared at her. A loose strand of gray swept across her tiny nose. Kikyou kept her lips pressed, rolled her eyes and looked off into the night-drenched thicket. Kaede cleared her throat.

"The sacred jewel cannot leave this world even though you believed you took it with you. It is here again just as plainly as you are. I put up with them to continue your legacy. To keep that jewel out of evil hands..."

Kikyou's shoulders sunk. "That means nothing to me now."

Kaede shook her head and at that fleeting moment of wordlessness, Kikyou realized her mistake in revealing her honesty.

"That's all I've ever known, Kikyou." Her sister's voice broke.

"I've suddenly realized that. It's my fault, isn't it?" Kikyou couldn't move herself to face Kaede's despair.

"Bygones, Kikyou..." Kaede coughed.

"Kaede, I'm not the same but whatever morals that I instilled in you–when I encouraged you, it must've been of value."

"No. You're not the same."

Kikyou began to speak– _In what way?_ But Inuyasha's booming voice unfurled the quaintness. Perhaps there would never be a moment of clarity. Comfort evaded Kikyou whenever she found it, always crept away like a struck child.

x

It was a physical fixation– Inuyasha's jaw, the outline of his teeth against his knuckles. The impact sent a release up Sesshomaru's arm. Words and loose flecks of spit at his chin, before he struck his brother, he was silently counting how long he could withstand the forced proximity without exploding. _Four heartbeats and two slow blinks._

Inuyasha stumbled back, and behind him, curious heads peaked out of windows and around their tiny houses.

"Do you not bathe, Inuyasha?" Sesshomaru's cool inflection cut through him, right down the middle and it took Inuyasha a moment to process the physical and verbal blow. In his other hand, he held Kohaku's sickle. The weight of it like the loss of control under water with his new arm. The chains rustled as he gestured to scratch the tip of his bloodied nose.

"What the hell, Sesshomaru!?" Inuyasha growled and held his face, but there was a window of odd opportunity. As Sesshomaru huffed down at him, Inuyasha swelled with a million questions. Sesshomaru was covered in blood and Inuyasha was unaware that it was all his. Every drop of it. Magatsuhi, to his dissatisfaction, didn't bleed. His brother's eyes were easy to read in their wideness. Two glowing suns roaming his displaced body. There was a shimmer at the discovery of his new arm, and like when he was a tiny boy, the thick of his lashes fluttered with wonder as he beheld Bakusaiga.

Inuyasha sifted through several emotions while all the pieces strewn themselves together. He revealed his fangs, one of them was chipped, and started with a breathy sigh– yet his companions skittered like ants behind him.

Sesshomaru only remembered Kagome's name, but the one he'd been searching for glowered at him. Her bangs flitted with the dips of her lashes. _Sango. Maybe that was her name._ He thought to say it aloud but to save himself from the pain that came with it, he simply stretched his arm out to her. The sickle clattered with the turn of his wrist. For a moment that went on for too long, her eyes became luminous with doubt, sorrow, and an emotion he couldn't quite recognize. They all drew in a breath, sucked the tension clean from the atmosphere before certainty dawned on Kohaku's sister. She did not shake as she reached for her lost brother's weapon.

"What did you do, Sesshomaru!?" Inuyasha motioned to lunge for Sesshomaru, but Sango reproached him.

"It's ok." Her voice was throaty and she repeated herself three more times, clasping her hands around the sharp curve of the steel, not yet bringing it fully into her grasp.

"Your kindness will be remembered, Sesshomaru."

Sesshomaru figured out what was so perplexing about the emotions that paled her face. Rin often looked that way after crying for hours, but Sango– _he hoped that was her name_ –seemed to always have that exhausted, defeated glare. Like someone who had run out of tears. Her heart didn't change its pace and if he had to choose a comparison to her internal quietude, it would be the dead silence after the sea sinks an entire village.

_How does one begin to console someone who bereaves like prayer?_

She removed the burden of the sickle and he allowed his hand to fall back at his side. Kagome tangled an arm around her despite the thick awkwardness. Sesshomaru and Sango shared a final look and passed an unspoken understanding.

Kohaku had wanted to be set free. When Sesshomaru pierced his skin and plucked the shard from his flesh, Kohaku's body wilted to ash. Sesshomaru had inspected its jagged edges. Something so tiny held the living world in a chokehold. He had scowled at it for a while. Held it up to the sunlight, wondering if he stared into its glow long enough, would it reveal something other than its cursed vanity? But a familiar buzzing noise crossed him and when he lined his vision above the ends of the naked tree branches, three of Naraku's fat insects hungrily gaped at him.

Unmoved and underwhelmed, Sesshomaru had flicked the shard into the air.

"Sesshomaru, none of this makes sense! What happened? Did you fight Naraku? And what happened to the jewel shard that kept Kohaku alive? You owe us answers!" Inuyasha stepped as everyone around them receded.

Sesshomaru turned to fully face his brother who was a head shorter than him. There were only a few people in the world who drove him to express complete and utter revulsion. Inuyasha was at the top of the list. He ran his tongue along his fangs, squinted, and flared his nostrils.

"I don't owe any of you a damned thing," Sesshomaru snarled, still high off the uncouth unraveling of his emotions from two days ago. For two days, he had walked in complete silence, only left to his own looming thoughts and the stink of his sweat and blood. He was still mourning the man he broke apart in the black void.

Inuyasha boldly cracked his knuckles.

"You've never been a good listener, little brother."

The defiance that riddled his brother stupid didn't smoothen out with age. Inuyasha always picked a war with him. Each time he lost, save for the severing of Sesshomaru's arm.

"Sesshomaru...you..." Inuyasha could never decide if he should revere his brother or continue his attempts to beat away the past. His voice shook.

"I'm what...?"

They were both incensed and trapped in their broken egos.

"It's not the time, Inuyasha," Kagome interjected.

"Listen to your woman, Inuyasha." Sesshomaru sucked air through his teeth.

The language of demons is written under their skin. Passed down like the color of one's irises. Inuyasha's muscles twitched and Sesshomaru's stiff jaw dared him try. There was no moon to direct their good sense and they were awfully attuned to one another.

But the faintness of the world stopped unveiling itself. Sesshomaru stopped anticipating the pulse of Inuyasha's blood the moment a gust of wind carried the smell of Kikyou's skin. Smell invited taste and all his anger seeped from him, leaving him somewhat colorless as his tongue remembered the space between her fingers. Sesshomaru winced and Inuyasha noticed the compromise of his heart. Sesshomaru could give into his whims and look away from Inuyasha, but the glare his brother gave him was the discovery of someone guilty.

Inuyasha cut his golden eyes to the slow parting of Sesshomaru's lips. To the knowledge of all demons, the way Sesshomaru's mouth watered revealed his craving. Inuyasha brought his eyes back to Sesshomaru's spilling devastation, and he gave him a narrowed gander as though he had discovered and lapped up an unknown illness from Sesshomaru's breath.

"Must you all cause such a raucous? Inuyasha– surely you're aware that your voice alone topples snow from mountains!" Kaede led his eyes from further exploring Sesshomaru's corruption.

"That makes two of us!" He thought to further insult her but Kikyou's presence was the arrow in his chest for fifty more years.

Sesshomaru straightened himself. He could release some of his grief. Inuyasha sauntered away from him, but there was a lingering sense of culpability. Kikyou stepped away from the shield of their backs and no one seemed to notice. Inuyasha pretended not to. When the air stopped being thick with the strange smells of _nobodies_ , Sesshomaru was able to settle with his yearning.

Words were encumbering so she kept her mouth closed. Sesshomaru was too struck by the distance that had pecked holes in his memory to incite action.

In the manner of ghosts, her bare feet like hushed whispers through the grass, Kikyou fully manifested before him. She took her small hands and traced her fingers up the warmth of his arms, rolling back his tattered sleeves. Her nails gently grazed his skin as she dragged her hands back down to web their fingers together.

When their eyes met, he saw through her a glowing epiphany. One that he relented to as he bore his soul with a simple shift in his lips. In the deepness of her dark eyes he surrendered to complete loss of control. And she exhibited similar sentiments as she brought his beaten hands to her face. They were both falling and the force that tugged them into a colorless oblivion wasn't worth fighting.

"You're the last thing I expected this evening." Her words ate away the silence and all traces of apprehension left his body. The timbre of her voice was parallel with all the women that sent his father to the grave–and what a cruel joke life had been. He'd spent years slandering his brother and the entire time, Inuyasha had been clinging to a weapon harsher than Tessaiga.

It started with the twitch of his fingers as his palms cupped the coldness of her cheeks. She slipped her fingers back down his arms and secured them against the flex of his muscles. Sesshomaru took one hand through the messy fall of her bangs, to better take in the light of her face. With his other hand, he rubbed his thumb across her bottom lip. She opened her mouth and languished at the roughness of his flesh against the corner of her lips. 

From her bangs, he ran his fingertips down the dip of her nose, slid his hand behind her neck and planted lingering kisses along the side of her face until he lost himself in the crook of her neck.

"You smell like blood." Kikyou released a mortal whine. She waited for a witty retort but he only stared at her. She brought her cold hands back to his face, her lashes sweeping across his cheek. Anxious fingers brushed against the welts on his face, and he reflected on the concept of their rivalry. In a sense, she was the antagonist in his life that threatened the bedrock of his principles.

"Is this your way of saying you've missed me?" Her breath tickled his skin. Sesshomaru remained taciturn knowing that he would eventually have to tell her about Rin.

 _And what if he wasn't strong enough to tell her what changed inside of him?_ He opened his mouth to speak but words evaded him like wrong feelings. Resting his forehead against hers, he settled to say nothing, and he inhaled her scent. Naraku left no traces of his touch but Inuyasha's on top of Kaede's fingerprints lingered.

"Does my presence leave The Great Sesshomaru of the West speechless?" She stole a kiss. "Have I robbed you of your perfectly good senses?"

Kikyou pecked him again and again until he silenced his unhappy thoughts and slid his wet lips to hers.

Sesshomaru had always wondered why they likened intimacy to floating. It was more like losing the ability to fly– destroying the comfort in certainty, plummeting, falling hard into a bottomless pit. Hoping that he wouldn't hit the surface and if he did it wouldn't break all of his bones. He would hope that it wasn't painful enough that he wouldn't be able to stand.

Like thirty nights of a dry cough and an unquenchable thirst– Kikyou's mouth was the shock of water running down his throat and flooding his stomach. He wanted to carry on holding her face but the small of her back could stir the appetite of their shared lust. The path of his fingers was unclear until she threw her arms around his neck. Her scent of a time in his youth when he pressed his nose into tall flowers. He ran his hand through the thickness of her scalp and she moaned greedily.

"Let's go..." _Home_ stopped in the back of his throat. In the sense of loss he felt when he broke their kiss, Sesshomaru conceived that home wasn't behind a stone wall. Home started with her voiceless concern.

That's what he appreciated the most about Kikyou. Her silence meant more than words. With one look, her beauty could starve the world or sooth illness.

But Kikyou hesitated because home was once Kaede, and Inuyasha had led her straight from that security. _As your lover?_ It twisted her tongue and she thought better against it.

"Can I say goodbye first?" It could very well be the last time she got the chance. Abrupt escapes from the truth never ended well. Sesshomaru shrugged heavily as if turning her loose would be too painful. The sudden glimmer of his real emotions stunned her.

"It won't take long," she promised. Time wasn't the problem though. They had it infinitely. He simply preferred not wasting it with the slightest gap. A single hair was too far way. Sesshomaru looked to his side and released her.

Kikyou drew from him like a held breath, looking onward as the fire light and candles dwindled to darkness. Light still poured from Kaede's hut and Kikyou remembered what butterflies in her stomach felt like.

As she walked away from Sesshomaru, her past taunted her, taking an innocent interest in her future. Kikyou always wondered if it was Inuyasha's spirit that allowed his eyes to burn in the darkness.

It was never meant for her to find out.

x

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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Are you still craving some SessxKik? Me and my awesome partner in crime tiffthom started a collection just for this rare pair. Go check out The Fall of The Bellflower collections and check out tiffthom's work. She's amazing. I don't think there's a word in the dictionary to describe how rad she is as a writer. So what are you waiting for!? Go go go go now!!!


	33. Waxing Moon

**_“Sometimes she did not know what she feared, what she desired: whether she feared or desired what had been or what would be, and precisely what she desired, she did not know.” ~_ Leo Tolstoy**

x

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Happiness has no price. From years of searching, Mego had discovered that happiness hides in the pith of flowers. Invisible. Unnoticed. Sometimes beneath a rock. Her personal source of joy came from her closeness to sun and moon. It had taken centuries to find it and most of that time she spent miserable. Her body had felt like a cage. All of her unruly power had screamed to break free from her skin– to be just as lucid as a lost ghost.

When the wind curled under their feet, Rin innocently tripped over the sensation of falling and laced her fingers with Mego's. She buried her tiny face into the floating fabric of Mego's sleeve.

"If you don't look down, you won't trip over the air." Mego sniffed. Charmed by the sudden gesture, she pondered on the fragility of Rin sinking through the orange clouds, pierced by rods of sunlight.

"It looks like the world is on fire way up here!" Rin mumbled.

"Are you scared?" The world did look ablaze. Mego smiled.

"No."

"Oh? Are you not scared of me as well?"

"Nope." Rin kept her eyes ahead, completely mesmerized and resisting the urge to look down as they sunk through the burning sunset.

"Do you not feel as though you should?" Mego quirked a brow.

"Something like that. You look too much like Lord Sesshomaru."

"So you're not scared of demons?" Mego's smile deepened as she looked down at Sesshomaru's child.

"I'm not easily scared," Rin said with confidence.

Mego thought to herself– _where exactly had he found such an agreeable creature?_

"How very brave of you, Rin."

x

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x

Fifty years ago, Kikyou had lost many parts of herself. There were holes in her soul, chewed away by rats and maggots. What was once her sanity, pride, and tiny morsels of happiness were lost in their bellies and spat out into the soil in hopes of growing wildflowers– _as the cycle of life_.

Fifty years later, as an act against the gods, she stood with great conviction next to Sesshomaru. Everything she had known about life was like the ashes of her body in the wind.

They stopped at the top of a hill, where his royal boundaries started and faded into winter-licked trees. At the horizon, they could make out the top of 'his castle within the burning sunset. Sesshomaru gazed out at the new start of his homeland with wariness. It was clear in how full his eyes were with the sun.

"You know, Sesshomaru..." Kikyou started and reached to catch a floating strand of his hair. His lip twitched but he continued to stare ahead. "You could very well walk away from all of this."

She gestured outwards at the dips of grass and trees. "Nothing is stopping you from setting it all on fire."

Sesshomaru's face twisted with wry. Nothing was stopping him but it genuinely wasn't what he wanted to do. He hadn't figured it out for hundreds of years.

"Is that what you want?"

Her eyes were heavy upon him like his doubts.

"No," he said evenly.

"Then what do you want?"

Sesshomaru looked at her, blinking away the burn of sunlight. Kikyou wasn't smiling but a calmness had spread along her features. It was a peaceful satisfaction that comes after watching the ocean touch the sand many years later. He took a deep breath and shrugged.

"There's time." And the way she said it allowed his mind to comb through the many years that were to come. Her voice pricked at his conscience and weakened the thuds of his heart.

"An abundance of it," he _echoed_ and they both smiled.

x

x

_"Let bygones be just that. Bygones." Izayoi countered._

x

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x

What is the nature of home without happiness?

Can anywhere feel like home without it?

Sesshomaru let go of her hand at the sight of the obnoxiously aroused Jaken. His tiny green hands flapped at his sides as he stomped past the servants. He would always be the first to greet his master. There'd be no other way– Kikyou smothered a groan because she couldn't fathom any better way to satisfy his esteem for Sesshomaru.

"Lord Sesshomaru!" Jaken wailed and scrambled to Sesshomaru's feet. The servants followed his gross lead. All of them bowed, the tops of their heads glistening under the remaining cuts of dusk. Sesshomaru slid his tongue along his teeth, released the breath he'd held the entire journey, and rolled his eyes. He turned to look at Kikyou but her eyes were answerless. She only gave him a soft smile that acknowledged how bad he wanted to run away from the future.

But the future would come regardless if he turned his back to it. Life never waited for anyone. Not even ancient demons nor undead priestesses.

Jaken screamed his name again as he beheld his new arm, ending in even harsher sobs.

"Where is Rin?" Kikyou piped above Jaken's madness. The servants unfolded themselves and neatly dispersed as if the simple question could wake a thousand dead.

"Has my mother not returned her?" Sesshomaru clenched his jaws. The most agonizing thing about coming to terms with a broken spirit is that he'd been unable to smite the visibility of his desperation. His eyes widened and his brows crinkled with discontent. Discontent for Sesshomaru was next to fear and Kikyou saw it before he could fold it away with his typical impassivity.

"She has not, Milord." Jaken messily composed himself. Kikyou licked her lips but Sesshomaru quickly sensed that she'd seen through him. He stepped around Jaken to enter the castle. Kikyou followed the glow of his hair, her tiny hands curling to fists.

"Why is Rin with your mother?"

The dying sunlight fell behind them as they entered the shadowy kingdom. Days had gone by but the walls remained pillaged. Kikyou's words knotted together in her throat. Sesshomaru didn't dignify her with a response.

Jaken had followed after them and he chirped, "We haven't touched a thing, Lord Sesshomaru. We've been waiting for your orders."

Their tension devoured the imp's words. Sesshomaru's distraction was without aim and Kikyou was hell-bent on gutting out the secret. She could strangle it out of Jaken, but she needed to hear it from Sesshomaru.

"Sesshomaru..." Kikyou pleaded. Sesshomaru stopped pacing and Jaken crashed into his leg. He hesitated but mustered Kikyou's name gently. _The way one passes a secret in prayer._

"Due to my poor judgment, Rin suffered." Sesshomaru avoided eye contact and folded his arms into his sleeves. Jaken cleared his throat. Kikyou closed her mouth, swallowing the horror down like jagged edged shards.

"What do you mean she suffered?"

"She died...but my mother revived her."

The wound she had sewn shut reopened. She didn't know what to feel first– anger or sadness? Kikyou placed a hand on her chest, massaging her collar bone, allowing her fingers to roll the skin over its jutting prominence. Sesshomaru was grateful that he could not sense her sharp signals of her despair. He knew that if he could, it would be so pungent that he'd taste it. And nothing tasted worse than sour disappointment.

"Sesshomaru...do you truly believe she is safe here?" Kikyou's body remembered bleeding out in the forest. The memory of staring at Inuyasha's sprawled toes speckled with her blood.

"How dare you question Lord Sesshomaru's strength you wicked harlot!" Jaken stamped his feet.

"Pipe down you petulant little worm of a man!" She snapped. Jaken didn't buckle down.

Sesshomaru didn't respond. He simply twisted his tongue in his mouth.

"Sesshomaru..." Kikyou's voice shook with reason.

"If I cannot protect Rin, then no one is capable of providing her with the safety she needs." Sesshomaru finally faced her, sucking the coldness from the walls into his expression.

"She doesn't belong here!" She almost yelled, but years of being steely cooled off her cauldron of emotions. Jaken hacked a breath to reprimand her ill-fitted manners but Sesshomaru stood off with her. The sentiment bruised him. Rin was the arm he'd lost and the smidgen of purpose he'd managed in hundreds of years.

"Then where does she belong, Kikyou?" It was the first time she heard genuine pain in his voice. Under the cape of his glower, Sesshomaru's heart was scattered in the wetness of his eyes. He looked even more exhausted in the confines of his dark home.

"With other humans," she said sheepishly but she didn't flitter away from the persecution of his eyes.

"Humans abandoned her."

"My sister wouldn't."

"Pray tell, Kikyou– what does your decrepit kin have to offer!?" It was the first time he'd raised his voice and looked at her with an unforgettable disapproval. It was a look she hadn't imagined he would save for her and it was a swift reminder that they were completely different forces. He was a demon and she was anything but.

If she weren't so stunned, she would've cut him with her own words, but he had beaten her to the hammering of the nail in her heart.

"If you don't think I'm safe, if you think that low of me and my kind then why are you still here?" The anger in his face loosened into bewilderment. When she did not answer, he spoke her name with the intent to heal the moment, but she was frozen.

"Because I want you but what we want isn't always what we need." Her lilt quavered as she realized that, once again, she was at the mercy of beautiful betrayal. When staring back at him began to be painful, she strutted away. Her honesty compelled him to grab for her arm but she slapped his hand.

But the moment didn't end. A servant with pointy ears led Mego with a very alive Rin in hand. His mother began a broad gesture, her lips breaking into a smile, but Rin shook herself free. She breezed past Kikyou, an eagerness splaying cross her features. Her eyes weren't bright with excitement. It was as if she had been carrying a worry with her from limbo.

"So you've figured it out!" Mego dismissed the servant with a tug of their pointy ear.

Rin bunched the worn ends of Sesshomaru's sleeves in her hands and gaped at him.

"Lord Sesshomaru!" She said breathlessly. Kikyou's eyes wandered from Mego's shining smile to Sesshomaru's displacement.

"Yes, Rin?" He didn't sound so scattered. Kikyou swallowed.

"Is Kohaku okay?"

His mouth didn't close and Kikyou built a tower of questions that straightened her spine. Before he spoke, Sesshomaru glanced at Kikyou. She shook her head– refusing to be his cushion. When Sesshomaru didn't answer immediately, Rin gave another sharp tug that he felt from his shoulders up to his temples.

"He's dead."

Rin's eyes glowed like two swollen moons. Mego's smile dwindled.

"But why?" Rin's voice was small– trapped within a seashell.

"What do you mean why?"

Kikyou froze at the sudden reminder that death was only casual to Sesshomaru. Rin's fingers went limp and the fabric spilled like water from her hands.

"I'm not dead." Rin said with childlike disbelief.

"No. You're not." Sesshomaru's voice was low.

Rin pulled away, gaped down at her own little hands, curling and uncurling her fingers. Mortified, Kikyou took it upon herself to step within their bubble, resting a hand on Rin's head.

"Rin, do you still have that rock?" But her eyes were pointed on Sesshomaru. He reciprocated her glare with the low dips of his lashes, throat squeezing at a painful lump, and all he could consider as she guided Rin away– _he hadn't felt so ashamed since his childhood_. Kikyou ebbed her away, but Rin couldn't stop staring at her hands.

It was in that very moment that he understood what robbed innocence looked like. Kohaku's weak smile pierced the cloudy cape of his sorrow, starting a storm that drenched his conscience until it drowned in shame.

 They both stepped around Mego and Jaken had disappeared some time ago.

"So you figured it out," Mego said again, nearing to his side.

Sesshomaru didn't speak. He felt as though he truly hadn't figured out a damn thing and his distress had shown brightly in his eyes. His heart sunk at the growing space between him and Kikyou. He pressed his lips in a hard line as he felt Rin's unhappiness fill the walls.

Mego stood under him and reached for his chin, her lips laced in a beatific smile. His brows knitted at her sudden gesture but he didn't oppose her.

"Sesshomaru..." She dragged his name, imparting years of weight. Sesshomaru closed his eyes because he could not stomach the childhood memory of her voice shaking the stars. Truly, life couldn't be any more unfulfilling. He'd had enough of wisdom and curses.

"Don't fear change." Mego saw him clearly. He never understood how she came so close when she lived so far away.

"I don't fear anything." He told himself in a scattered breath.

And Mego's heart burst into sparks of stardust–two hundred years ago no one could have convinced her that her son would be foolish enough to entertain intimacy with boldness. She didn't need to be told what had driven him to free himself of jealousy.

"Don't you feel so much lighter?" She let go of his face and took a step back to fully behold him.

"I don't know what you're talking about, mother." But he knew what she meant. Being a demon forced him to be aware of it. He stepped out of the void different, but he wouldn't vocally give her the satisfaction.

"Well, if you don't figure it out soon, my son– a woman's unhappiness is not something to go to bed with." She shrugged.

"You would know." Sesshomaru snorted and stormed away from her.

"I would."

x

x

x

Rin couldn't find her rock. Kikyou suggested that maybe it was for the better– her worries were so heavy that maybe fate decided to hide it for her. Though Rin didn't seem convinced, that small flame of belief she left behind in purgatory, she played along with Kikyou. As if she were the adult who'd figured it all out and Kikyou was the starry-eyed child she pitied.

Rin looked at her dully and Kikyou wanted to ask her what really had changed–what was gone? She didn't exactly remember if she had chosen what to give back in return for life, but she knew in her core that some human thing wasn't there anymore. Rin dusted off her clean kimono and sauntered towards the dead hedges of the garden, the wintry air not seeming to faze her bare hands.

"We fool ourselves into comfort." A tiny voice trickled down the side of her neck.

"That's not the first time I've heard something similar." She had lived by it for so long. Rubbing his swollen belly, Myoga tugged on a strand of her hair so that he wouldn't coast into the wind. He wasn't fat off of her blood, she had none to give, and when he burped she grimaced.

"How many years has it been, Kikyou?" He sighed into his memories.

"You were never an acquaintance."

"I wouldn't say that!"

"The only thing we had in common was Inuyasha– and I don't ever remember you being that invested in him either." Kikyou didn't mean to be cold but she doubted that he could feel her frigidness. Something else was deep-seated n Myoga. Something like facetiousness but not quite.

"I don't think you were ever that partial to him either, priestess." He chuckled in the absence of mean-spiritedness and good sense. Kikyou only sniffled at his statement, dragging her eyes from Rin to the shimmering night sky– the sun's last wink a faint tint of orange that lined the western horizon.

"May I ask you question?" Myoga squeaked.

"If it's simply to humor me, then yes."

"What do you stand to gain from all of this?"

At first, she didn't understand the depth of the question but it sunk beneath her skin. Rin stared into the dirt, searching for anything but that rock and the question shifted into perspective.

"Nothing." Her eyes became glass.

"You say that with such forlorn, priestess."

"I think 'credence' is a better suited word." She watched Rin stand still.

"Nothing seems pricy."

"Flea, when did bliss gain a price?"

"Is that what you've found in Lord Sesshomaru?"

Kikyou plucked him from her neck and shook him in her grasp. Myoga rolled against the lines of her palms, choking on the blood in his throat. She stopped when she was satisfied.

"Why does it matter?" She opened her hands and squinted at him.

"It matters because you needled his little brother to a tree for fifty years."

"Are you implying that I'm a villain, Myoga?" It took too much effort to not sound so surprised. Her lips wrinkled.

"You could be. Have you not looked at the picture you've painted?"

Kikyou's throat tightened. He wouldn't stop.

"I think your wrath is something to behold, Kikyou. Even though its controlled, it's often been misplaced."

"Are you done persecuting me?" Memories could be such painful things.

"The West is my priority." He said flatly. Tiny drops of the blood he had coughed up speckled the inside of her hand.

"I'm nothing but a shadow upon this world. I think you're sniffing around the wrong fire."

Myoga cleared his throat.

x

x

x

x

x

_How could a castle so big have nowhere to hide?_

After whispering Rin into a deep sleep, Kikyou found no solace under the moonlight. It's halfness served as a beautiful reminder of Sesshomaru and she had yet to truly forgive him. Instead of brooding under the glitter of twilight, she swallowed her pride and hid away beneath Sesshomaru's sheets. Cold proximity could be a crueler weapon than completely avoiding him.

"Well you didn't wander far." Sesshomaru's presence disturbed the candle that possessed her with drowsiness.

"There's nowhere to go." She kept her attention focused on the candle, watching the wax slip agonizingly slow. There was nowhere better to be.

"Are you admitting to your plot to leave me?" Sesshomaru jeered wickedly. Kikyou sat up, glowering equally as vibrant as the moon despite its incompleteness. Sesshomaru was licked clean and still damp. His hair clung to his pointed features, emphasizing the protrusion of his ears.

"What if I admit to trying to escape from you?" Her haughtiness was a result of her own broken promise to ignore him into submission. She cut him a sweeping gander over a bare shoulder.

"You were never a captive." His eyes told all of his secrets and she couldn't shrug him away.

They both stared at each other in silence. Kikyou wrinkled the sheets into her fists, grinding her teeth, and she hadn't realized just how much the absence of tears had pained her.

"Where will you go, Kikyou? Where is there to escape to?" Sesshomaru was seemingly in a daze. His robe hung open, revealing the uneven flutters of his breathing.

Had the higher power hated her so that he rid her of the ability to weep? Sesshomaru knew that there was nowhere. There wasn't a hole deep enough in the earth nor a mountain high enough to lead her to heaven.

"You don't have to mock me, Sesshomaru."

Sesshomaru learned what her voice would sound like if she could shed proper tears. He slid the door closed behind him. They watched each other. The shadows a semblance of smoke and Sesshomaru's eyes the source of the smolder as he walked towards the bed.

"You have an entire kingdom at your feet. Surely you can find better amusement." She didn't look away from him as he kneeled into the sheets.

"And you suggested that I burn it all down."

"Because I revel in your suffering." She moved to turn away from him, but Sesshomaru pinched the sheets between his claws and lightly tugged it from her shoulder. His expression didn't change at her naked boldness.

"Is that so?" Purposefully, he didn't drag his eyes bellow her neck.

"Very much so."

"Priestess Kikyou, you've had me fooled since day one."

Kikyou cringed at the thought of being a priestess. She was too bloodless for the title and promised herself that she would bereave the memory sooner than later.

"So you think?" Again, she twisted to turn away from him, hair dripping like ink down the curve of her spine. Sesshomaru hooked an arm around her waist and pressed her body against his.

"So I know."

She let go of an unsteady wisecrack, dragging it back down her throat as his other hand crept around her neck. The warmth of his palm against her skin disentangled the string of her anger and his lips at her temples, his breath running down the back of her ears, the side of her neck unwound the tension in her shoulders. Her incentive folded.

"Do you not know that you cannot swoon me into forgiveness?" She said to her body, placing a hand on top of his and seizing it at her exposed abdomen.

"Kikyou, you're not a very good liar." His lips caressed her ear.

"Neither are you."

And at that he tensed, coiling around her as though she were the gift he wasn't ready to give back to the cosmos.

"Where does your trust begin and end, Sesshomaru?" His body heat soon became hers and she silently decided that if he did release her, she'd be left to the devices of loneliness and the cold.

"Didn't you just proclaim to revel in my misfortune?" His inflection seeped down the length of her neck and she arched her back, resisting the desire to thaw out and melt into him.

"I did..." She untangled herself and whirled in his arms, intending to reproach him, but he kissed her deeply. His attentiveness struck down her gumption and with the fall of their bodies went the war she had lost.

"Some enemy you are." He smiled weakly against her lips.

"I have you right where I want," she said clearly, tugging away at his clothes.

"Traitor." He sucked her bottom lip.

Kikyou snaked her legs around his hips, the slick curls of his hair clung to her face as they inhaled each other. She dug her nails into his damp skin and he slid inside of her.

"This isn't how you solve things..." She mustered a beautiful sigh– just as guilty in that she became icy water beneath him. Sesshomaru grimaced and deepened his thrust. She met him at the center of his crippling lust with the rise of her hips.

Kikyou whimpered his name as a petty attempt at protest but he kissed her throat hard enough to leave bruises– hard enough to shatter her cool temper. She arched her back, hoping she could stave off the rest of his climax, but he held her down, consuming all of her willpower, sucked it clean from her bones until she was nothing but a puddle under him.

Sesshomaru smothered all traces of her scattered tenderness. He didn't want to answer for the many days he could never get back nor allow grimness to choke away the taste of her skin. Sesshomaru leveled his eyes with hers, but she turned away and forced her lids shut. Kikyou feared that the color of his glare would smite her prudence.

"What do you want from me?" Gripping her chin, he kissed the corner of her mouth, pulled out and shoved himself deeper. Kikyou set aside the hotness of her quivering expense, deciding that facing him was worth it. She could stand to lose one battle.

"An apology." _For him to be forthcoming for rest of their time together._ It fizzled out of Kikyou and her arms hung loosely around his back.

"I can't be the prize to your desire and your prey simultaneously," she said breathlessly, her mouth aching for his tongue to silence her conscience.

Sesshomaru gave a ragged hum as he slowed the force of her defeat. She slipped her hands from the curve of his shoulder blade and brought them to his face, sprawling and curling her toes.

"No more secrets, Sesshomaru." Her eyes reflected summer and a field of sunflowers. There hadn't been a living soul that compromised him so painfully.

"I'm sorry." His vulnerability was  similar to piety. He was sure there was not a feeling stronger than devotion.

Somewhere in the world, his voice crumbled a mountain.

Kikyou anchored him into a hungry kiss and he rocked her into a worship she couldn't take back. Under all gods, blasphemy is unforgivable– but he knew she wasn't the kind of woman to run away from adversity.

x

x

x


	34. Dawn

Stinging sunlight bled through his watery reflection within Bakusaiga. Sesshomaru held it up to the sky, constructing an imaginary assault on the sun. The wind rushed a wave of clouds. Like smoke, they engulfed the light. Tiny pockets created sharp golden blades and he wondered if his mother was in the thick of it.

His reflection became clearer but darker. Sesshomaru had always considered himself to be impenetrable. As his eyes widened, standing as still as the naked trees, he didn't recognize the image of himself. Bakusaiga was taunting him.

He knew who he was. He'd seen his face enough for hundreds of years. After battles. After death and covered in blood. Even in sadness.

"I woke up and you were gone."

"Gone is incredibly finite, Kikyou. You're more poetic than that."

Sesshomaru tilted Bakusaiga down. He swore he could hear laughter in the wind. Scattered, raspy chortles from his father's afterlife.

"I am?" Her lilt heightened, pulling his attention away from his voiceless self-deprecation.

"Very much so. I think it's your way at making men feel stupid." He dropped his arm, Bakusaiga at his side when he turned to face her.

"Do I stir feelings of foolishness in you, Lord Sesshomaru?" She held back a smile. Her lips twitched.

Sesshomaru's gaze trickled down her uncombed hair, her pale ill-fastened kimono, to her tiny feet and rising shadow. The clouds released the sun and she appeared brand new. He hadn't gotten used to their attraction. Sometimes it felt tragic.

"I'm impervious..." He meant to say more, but it was a lie. It was strange to need her when he didn't have to. Neither of them needed each other.

But there was great power in _'I simply want you here.'_

The decision wasn't so hard to come to. It felt natural like air, water, and a crisp breeze.

Kikyou destroyed the space between them, reaching for his face and landed her winning attack. She kissed him with more desperation than the nights behind them. Sometimes their bond felt tragic, but sometimes it felt like unending joy. He wished he knew how to grasp it without the shock.

Her lips twisted in the language of _'I've done this many times before you.'_

And he responded the best he knew how. With the vulnerable newness of wielding his first blade. Anxious for the battle but clumsy in the pursuit.

She did make him feel stupid. Even more so when she withdrew from him, remaining close and teasing him. They stared at each other until his mind caught up in the race against his heart.

"I want you to come with me to see Totosai." He fought back the dizziness.

"When?" She whispered.

"Today if we both stay dressed."

"What role am I playing 'today', Lord Sesshomaru?"

He blinked at her and then his faced settled into a grimace.

"What do you mean?"

"Am I going as your lover or as your equal?"

Her eyes became heavier but not any less mesmerizing. Sesshomaru made a small noise as he decided on the best answer.

"Why can't you be both? Simultaneously?"

"Because they are two very different things."

Kikyou dropped her tiny hands from his face, attentively gliding her fingertips down the length of his arms. She gave a weak smile, quietly assessing how she had ensnared such a powerful being. He was not as 'terrifying' without his armor in broad daylight, but she had never been scared of him to begin with. Never.

Any woman with enough hatred to stick his brother to a tree for years to come would be nothing but his equal. Perhaps dangerous enough to be his enemy. Sesshomaru snorted and his lips formed into a smugness.

Men either started wars over women like Kikyou or the world would end because of women like her.

Sesshomaru opened his mouth to sate her, but Jaken broke their calm with his screeching. His tiny green feet stumbled over several scrolls spilling from his grasp. Before slipping back into his well assembled deadliness, Sesshomaru gave her a silent apology by squeezing her hand.

As he walked away, Kikyou saw her future. It was a dimly lit one, only shadowed by her uncertainty. Whenever he felt too warm against her skin, she would be reminded that she had been pretending. Her new life had been quite the dichotomy between authenticity and fantasy. She won't tell Sesshomaru about her doubts. If she didn't speak of them, maybe they would go away.

x

x

It had only been thirty nights but demons had nothing better to do than gossip. It was as if her existence had awakened a sleeping beast at the bottom of a mountain. One would think that she was a worse threat than Naraku pillaging the lands. Kikyou's name had been swallowed by history and rewritten as the woman the Great Lord of The West kept in warm company. Not human nor demon. Complete enough to not be a ghost.

Totosai knew exactly who she was. She knew it when he balked at her appearance. With his gibbous eyes, he saw clean through her newly acquired jewelry and clothes.  Immediately she learned that it didn't matter how she dressed herself, she still carried an air about her that warranted curiosity.

But the old demon didn't call her by name. Sesshomaru didn't give him time to sort through his memories. As soon as they landed, he stabbed Bakusaiga into the charred dirt before Totosai.

Totosai did not flinch at the powerful thud. As he unfolded his arms, his bones cracked like trees struck by lightning. Kikyou narrowed her eyes, unsure if he was looking directly at her or Bakusaiga.

"So...?" Sesshomaru hummed.

"Well, it took you long enough. I was worried it'd be another two hundred years." Totosai rubbed his chin but remained unfazed.

"Are there any other secrets I should know about?" Sesshomaru's tone was almost a growl.

"I'm sure there are but you'd gain nothing cheating your way through life, Sesshomaru."

Inuyasha had been the only person she knew to address Sesshomaru with such scathing informality. It dawned on her that she was an outsider, peering through a tiny hole at their exchange. What was between them was too old for her to grasp– intimately old and exclusive.

"I'm beginning to think you and my mother take pleasure in my stress. My determination isn't a joke."

"Are you not proud that you achieved such a great thing on your own?" Totosai's face was unchanging but not cold.

"I am but I don't like searching for answers in the dirt if I don't have to."

"So you shun pulling yourself up by your own strength and intellect?"

Sesshomaru smothered his premeditated insult, choked it right back down with his ego. Kikyou stood behind him, but she felt the way his face twisted and resettled itself.

"No. That's not it."

"It sure sounds like it." Totosai pinched his mustache.

Sesshomaru's shoulders fell and Kikyou restrained from reaching out to touch him.

"When was the last damn time you cleaned out your ears?"

Totosai unleashed an ancient laugh, taking the sharpness of his pinky and burying it in his ear. Kikyou winced the deeper he plunged his fingernail into his head. Sesshomaru was unmoved, frigid, seemingly uncaring if the old bag of bones scraped at his skull.

With a satisfying grunt, Totosai snatched his pinky from his ear to reveal a clean nail.

"The answers are always lurking around, Sesshomaru." He croaked, waving his hand at nothing in particular. "Sometimes deep inside of you."

Totosai stood from his painful sitting position, yanked Bakusaiga from the dirt and inspected its shimmer.

"Your Meido is incomplete." He wheezed another laugh and Sesshomaru cringed with disdain.

"And I'm going to assume you're not going to tell me how to complete it?"

Totosai shrugged, lowering the end of the sword to the ground.

"Kikyou, what do you make of all this?" The old demon nodded his chin at her. She stiffened when Sesshomaru turned to look at her as if she had done something strange.

"I don't make anything of it." Kikyou cleared her throat, recovering from the frankness of her name. "But I'm confident in Lord Sesshomaru's abilities."

Sesshomaru groaned as if that was the worst answer.

"I am too, Lady Kiykou. Very confident." Totosai gestured for Sesshomaru to claim Bakusaiga, extending it with his bony brown arm. Despite his frailness, the sword was light in his hold.

Sesshomaru wasted no time viciously gripping the helm from Totosai's hand.

"I assume you're here for some purpose–other than to scoff at me?" Totosai grinned.

"A sheathe." Sesshomaru released a short sigh.

"Very well then!" Totosai clapped once– the might of it rippled through the air. The dead blades of grass shifted east instead of west with the wind. Without more to say, Totosai hobbled into the mouth of the skull muttering to himself.

Kikyou stopped holding her breath when Sesshomaru blew air through his teeth.

"What a grim place for such a seemingly sweet old man." She was hoping that she would become charmed by the mountain but the pointed rocks and oppressed fires reminded her of hell. Sesshomaru's brows lowered as he scanned her frame. The red of her kimono slivered through the wind, revealing her naked ankles.

"Don't go humanizing him. The wrinkles are a disguise." Sesshomaru snorted and began to pace away from the broken fangs of Totosai's dwelling.

"I'm honored that you allowed me to experience such an intimate exchange!" She followed after him.

"Don't I always?"

"You don't."

They both stopped walking. Sesshomaru gazed down at her with restrained guilt. His culpability would look like a challenge to the world around them, but Kikyou sized herself down and softened her tone.

"Sometimes it feels like you're unattainable. For a while I blamed myself–but maybe it has a lot to do with us being so different. I'm still human...and you're just you." She found herself separating him from the rest, but there were still moments that revived his otherworldliness.

"If I were any other woman, I think you'd hurt me a lot." And her own boundlessness was how she was able to piece together his grandeur. Who knew demons could be so splendid? She was waiting to fall to some kind of madness. She wasn't given enough time to lose herself to Inuyasha. Hopefully she was just that unconventional.

Sesshomaru's body language didn't change. Nothing about him ever did when he was tightly pulled together.

"What are you trying to ask me?" His frankness ran sweet.

"I feel like you have a lot to say, but I could just be projecting my silly human notions onto you."

Sesshomaru's mouth watered as their silence thickened. A loud crackle rolled from Totosai's skeletal cave.

His eyes teetered away from Kikyou. Looking at her for too long would make his heart expand into his throat. He didn't understand how she missed the telling signs of his condition.

"It's amusing, Kikyou..." He frowned at his crassness. "I mean it's strange knowing that you feel this way. Especially when I feel the opposite."

"In what way?" She said desperately.

"When my mother revived Rin, she told me that she wouldn't come back 'whole'. I asked Kohaku if that were really true." As if his mother would ever lead him astray. A prying force picked at him whenever he dared to doubt her. Guilt made his face feel heavy as he thought of Kohaku being spread red into the dirt.

"He told me it's like missing a vital _something_. You're not exactly sure what that something is, but you're aware that it's not there– I've been feeling similarly, but it doesn't feel like a bad thing. It's more like an accidental discovery." He said unemotionally, but it still settled with poignancy. Sesshomaru's words sunk into her like the smell of brimstone.

"What have you discovered about yourself, Sesshomaru?"

He blinked slowly, tilting his head with the push of the wind.

"Before I killed Magatushi, he told me that something had gone amiss inside of me– that I was off balance. He was right. I had to kill him immediately. He couldn't get away with that inkling of truth."

Sesshomaru's mouth tightened as he pressed his teeth together. Kikyou's lips parted but he continued.

"Are your feelings reminiscent to that, Kikyou?" _And would Rin come to feel the same way_?

"Sesshomaru..." Her voice was a whistling ghost, conjured up from the chest she'd sunk at the bottom of the ocean. The waves couldn't kill her, but she could leave behind a piece of herself. And she'd forgotten about that slithering sensation of desperation, the cracked foundations of her morals– a drought that couldn't be fixed by rain nor a flood.

He waited for an answer. With the anticipation of spring ahead of them, Sesshomaru didn't hold his breath– he waited for several moments. Language left some feelings indefinable.

"Kohaku didn't lie to you. Neither did Mego." But the difference between them was that Sesshomaru had forged himself from the ashes. Brand new and arguably completed. "But I don't think it's the same thing that you've reconciled with."

She painfully realized that maybe her listlessness wasn't something she could 'live with' entirely, but the passing phases of the moon had felt too euphoric. The remaining bits of human within her wanted to gorge on the distraction of him for a little longer. Kikyou swore she wouldn't count the years, she just knew it wouldn't, couldn't, and shouldn't be tomorrow.

"Then forgive me for misspeaking."

"No. This isn't about me." She pressed her palms against his cold armor. "What you're feeling is great newness. You finally understand the capacity of your strength, and maybe for someone like you, it's terrifying. For all these years you've never truly been challenged."

Sesshomaru's face was unmoving, but she saw herself in his eyes. 

"Love is not as scary as death. Dying isn't hard. It's something we all have in common." Irony tasted like blood.

"You think it's love, Kikyou?" Sesshomaru's lids lowered.

"I know it's love. You do too."

Kikyou looked different from the very first time he'd fully taken her in. It wasn't the gold pins that held back her hair nor the slight color around her eyes. Something about her, starting from the time he watched her pick slimy chunks from her hair up until the present, seemed to finish. He wrinkled his nose as he considered the queerness of 'appearing' absolute.

"You know an exceeding amount, Kikyou."

She smiled at his diffidence. One day she knew she would have to show him the extent of her wisdom. Saying too much at once would be too saccharine, though she knew he could never grow tired of her. It didn't matter how briny her skin would come to taste. Sesshomaru would gorge himself with slow small bites.

Behind them came a thunderous clap and a tide of invisible power rushed from the skull's wide mouth. It was a hot gust of air that disturbed the rocks. The dirt rose from the surface a gritty fog. Totosai sauntered from the cavity cradling Bakusaiga's sheath.

x

x

x

_"You satiate me..."_

_"Satiate? You sound starved." Kikyou rolled, dipped, and drenched satiate in the waters of her not-so-dead imagination.  Satiate. It sounded better than a conventional declaration of love._

x

x

x

"You're impossible." Sesshomaru grumbled as she untangled herself from his back. Kikyou smoothened her windswept hair, staggering to strand straight.

" _Most of us_ prefer the feeling of dirt under our feet." She dragged her nails through her hair and strutted ahead of him. "Forgive me for being a grounded creature."

"What if I mean to be in a hurry, woman?" Sesshomaru assumed the role as Kikyou's follower. He preferred watching her– most of the time she didn't seem real.

"Woman...?" She stopped to gape at him over her shoulder– a beautiful actress in how she placed her hand over her mouth.

"Woman." Sesshomaru canted rather subdued. If he smiled, she'd win and it was much too early in the day for her assume victory. She had fussed him out of the sky–he wouldn't allow her to make any more demands without consequence.

"Why is his lordship in such a hurry?" Kikyou waited for him, her smile widening with his nearing. "When are centuries old demons ever in a hurry?"

With a challenging glare, Sesshomaru stood over her. They said nothing to each other for a long moment. His expression swung from cold daftness to cruel simpering amusement. Kikyou's smile shortened as he lifted her chin.

"Take a guess." It was his fatal blow to her shrewdness.

"Could it be that you're in a hurry to do something about that incomplete Meido of yours?" But she held on a little longer. She wasn't going to lose to the silkiness of his threats.

"Are you taunting me?"

"I could do no such thing. I'm only a woman. A silly one at that, but you asked me to guess."

Sesshomaru let go of her chin and she gasped at the sensation of his nails gently grazing her skin. The way that they often exchanged control could feel like a thousand fiery kisses, covering every crevice of their bodies– but it could also feel like a horribly lost war.

"Sesshomaru." Kikyou demanded of him sweetly. "You never explained how you came to spawn Bakusaiga."

"Does it matter?" He scoffed.

"It does since it has clearly had a great effect on you."

"Has it?"

"That 'vital' something, Sesshomaru?" She narrowed her eyes.

He stiffened and it was a visible dip in his mood. Sesshomaru breathed aggravation through his clenched fangs.

"We were apart for some time." Craving him had a price. She had never been a beggar.

"And I'm sorry it took me so long to get to you." Sesshomaru said dryly as if to punctuate the end of the conversation yet Kikyou would not budge. In his attempt to walk ahead, she tugged at his arm with a weakness that wasn't her fault.

"That doesn't matter."

"Failure matters a great deal to me, Kikyou!"

"You're _failing_ me now by rejecting my concern..."

Sesshomaru turned to hold her by the shoulders in one fluid motion. His hands slid to her sharp elbows.

"Do you not have enough of my soul as it is, Kikyou?"

The violent pain in his voice caused her to hesitate. She remembered what losing her breath felt like as she dared herself not to look away. Her eyes widened.

"Satisfying your ego is not equivalent to having your soul." Kikyou's voice cracked. "The parts of you that I do have– you gave them to me willingly."

 _'All things have a weakness._ ' His father had proclaimed it but Sesshomaru resisted the notion until his death. Vulnerability did ugly things to people, but avoiding it left him worse off. Magatsuhi had defeated him in their battle against legitimacy. Sesshomaru had convinced himself that his heart was stagnant and impenetrable– staring into Magatsuhi's mouth forced him to realize that allowing Izayoi to live was evidence to the lie.

He was a being of many multitudes and no endless pit of power could feel better than Kikyou. In the emptiness of the void, he discovered that his father had never told him wrong. There were things worth fighting and dying for. Nothing comes after absolute dominion–there was only an ascension that would be too far away from himself.

Sesshomaru had told himself, before delivering his final strike into Magatsuhi's throat that he did not want to further cultivate spite against his father.

"Kikyou..." It really wasn't so hard to absorb her. She never made it difficult. Denying her defeated the purpose of Bakusaiga. "I've come to understand that you are far more destructive than any weapon built to rival me."

If Rin was his heart then Kikyou was his soul and the map to everything inside of him that was easy to break.

The tide of her emotions turned over– _did she own enough of him_? Sesshomaru rose his hands from her shoulders, his fingers caged her pale face.

"This cycle of wanting has no ending." Kikyou mustered, but she wasn't too sure if it was safe to believe it.

"It doesn't seem so." Sesshomaru stated plainly. He believed ever so fervently that what she had done to him was meant to last until he was a bloated corpse– and as a pessimist he wouldn't be surprised if the ailment surpassed death, following him into hell.

Sesshomaru satisfied the desire that overcame them by dragging her into a flood of slippery kisses until his warm hand found its way under the fold of her kimono. Kikyou gasped when he squeezed her breast.

"Aren't you in hurry?" She quipped as he led her back against a tree, but Sesshomaru ignored her and continued his assault on her neck. Grimacing as her hair snagged against the bark, Kikyou did him a favor by unfastening her sash.

"What will they say about you...if we get caught, Sesshomaru?" Her attempt to be patronizing died when he caressed her inner thigh with his claws.

"Children get _caught_ , Kikyou." He said before inhaling her top lip and she quavered at the fatalness of his voice. It dawned on them both that they could not be indecent. Sesshomaru's armor was a wall of ice against her bareness. He settled for her vulnerability and she knotted her arms around him to savor the moment.

But Sesshomaru's body froze. A sigh left her as she endured his muscles hardening under her hands, against her body– like the chiseled stone of a massif. Kikyou opened her mouth to chastise him for pulling away but he covered her mouth.

There was a low sizzle and crack. It started with the hairs on their arms rising and their scalps began to tingle. Their bangs lifted as if they were free falling like feathers until all ends of their hair rose too.

A hiss of lightning slithered above their heads and Sesshomaru slipped from Kikyou's grasp in pursuit of the enemy. The wayward chain of light collided against a nearby tree–the bark sizzled. Kikyou swallowed all of the air, frustration, and her weakness. Rewrapping her kimono, her eyes followed Sesshomaru as he weaved between the trees.

"Lord Sesshomaru of the West!" A voice echoed from the unnatural low hanging clouds.

In the back of his mind, Sesshomaru damned Kikyou for being so distracting. He stopped and gazed up into the descending clouds. A mist poured from the thickness and there were tiny pops of lightning.

"I come with a proposition!" The voice rumbled from the swell of clouds, striking up a chatter amongst itself. For a moment, Kikyou and Sesshomaru shared looks of perplexity. The compacted voice boomed again with childlike esteem.

"Behold the ruinous vigor of my skills!" And a small punch of thunder shook the soil beneath their feet, tiny rocks of dirt rolled and the trees swayed but Sesshomaru remained perturbed. Between the mysterious tyrant's held breath and Kikyou's amusement, Sesshomaru leaped into the clouds, extending his arm through the powdery coolness and mist until his fingers grazed armor, until his hand reached the frail neck of a someone with a frame smaller than Rin. Yet he didn't hesitate to force the culprit from their shroud of mystery, no matter how tiny the threat. The clouds dispelled immediately and when Sesshomaru landed, he took a good look at his prey.

"Of course, I intended for your victory!" The little demon squirmed.

To Kikyou, she looked like child, but Sesshomaru only beheld a mild disposable nuisance.

"And your death too?" Sesshomaru didn't tighten his hold on her throat.

"NO!" She bared crooked, pointy teeth. Kicking her feet about as if she hadn't floated through air moments ago.

Kikyou interjected with his name and he answered with a scowl.

"Children are a poor man's delicacy." Kikyou scorned him.

"She stopped being a child the moment she conspired against us." Sesshomaru released the wayward demon. She fumbled into the dirt, gathering herself into a frantic bow. Her hair curled from her pigtails and she wheezed in terror.

"I did not wish to conspire against you, Lord Sesshomaru!" Gazing up at Sesshomaru with wide red eyes, the demon child shook in her chipped armor, as if she were staving off a tempest of sobs.

"Then what were you trying to accomplish, silly girl? You're dressed as if you're ready for war." Kikyou spoke for him.

Much to Sesshomaru's dismay, the pointy eared girl remained quiet. Her body stilled. The pluckiness she had shown vanished with the time she wasted speechless. Time Sesshomaru couldn't get back. Time with Kikyou she had stolen.

He betrayed his interest and walked away from her bowed head.

"I need somewhere to be..." She finally spoke but Sesshomaru kept walking. Kikyou did not follow him.

"Is there nowhere else better?" Kikyou couldn't help but be the person she was taught to be.

"There is nowhere. I'm the last of my clan." Her tiny hands curled into the dirt. Her voice cracked with pain Kikyou could only liken to abandonment– but how much of her human feelings was she projecting onto a _very_ non-human girl? _How do demons raise their own?_ She turned to look at Sesshomaru, who had achieved a great distance.

"Your clan?" Frowning at Sesshomaru's rigidness, Kikyou brought her attention back to the small girl.

"Raimei Valley..." was all she seemed willing to share. Raimei Valley didn't conjure old memories for Kikyou. All the lands, the kingdoms had became one in the same. Unchanging and transparent.

"Is it help that you seek from Lord Sesshomaru?" Kikyou kneeled in the dirt next to her. Startled by Kikyou's politeness, the girl sat up straight. Taking a deep breath, she blinked back visible tears and glowered.

"Souten of the Thunder Clan!" Her stubby fingers folded into fists. Kikyou shuddered at the weight of Souten's gaze. She thought to herself– _how could someone this little be teeming with so much indignation?_

And with the way Souten beat a fist against her rusted breast plate, Kikyou was commanded to be intrigued by the untold story.

"I plan to serve in Sesshomaru's army!" Souten spat with forced vainglory. Kikyou held on to Sesshomaru not having nor needing an army, this hadn't been his first offer but it had been the most amusing.

x

x

x


	35. Small Women

_"So when you jump down, does it feel like the Earth is tilting?"_ Sota had asked her.

_"Not really. It's kinda like swimming until I find the light to follow."_

The past was supposed to be a safe haven. A _'once upon a time'_ of sorts _, b_ ut that had proven to be a false equivalence when she had been soaked to her knees in guts. The blood still won't wash out of her socks.

 _"I took this girl to see that new Cinderella movie and she went on and on and on about how she wished fairytales were real..."_ Sota had been so visibly light. Weeks later, or rather, six hundred or so years before, his words floated through her– her soul had the consistency of smoke.

_"Don't get all sappy and romantic on me, Sota."_

_"No, really. I told her that they were real and that weird stuff happens all the time. She didn't believe me."_

_"Why would she?"_ Sometimes she wondered if she dreamed most of it herself.

_"I told her– well you just haven't met my sister..."_

Kagome unzipped her puffy wind breaker. The cold made her knuckles whiter than the patch of ice melting under the hedgerow. She thought– _spring couldn't possibly be around the corner_. But a calendar was useless in Inuyasha's time. To think the world around her was so undeveloped yet heavily documented in a library under the well. Still it was all so unpredictable.

No one had asked where she was going, save for Shippo, but her stepping away still wasn't a cause for concern. It hurt her feelings. What exactly would she gain from them acknowledging her need to escape them? She gave them little reason to worry. Her silence only seemed a natural symptom of Inuyasha's roaming conscience.

She felt as though she had been reduced to a temperamental child. None of them had to vocally express their opinions. If it wasn't some form of coddling (Sango often felt more like a mother than a sister), then it was the lengths they went to avoid her eyes whenever Inuyasha answered her with a dry 'Sure'.

Aside from being twenty percent of Kikyou, she barely pulled her own weight.

Kagome stopped fidgeting with her hands and kneeled into the cold ground. Listening, she widened her eyes, sucking in her bottom lip. The inside of her nose burned from cold air. She picked an arrow from her quiver when she finally spotted an unsuspecting deer.

_Twenty percent of Kikyou and eighty percent undiscovered._

Properly positioning herself the way Kaede had shown her many times, Kagome held her breath. If she missed, she'd go back to the camp empty handed and unsatisfied with her role in Inuyasha's life. If she nailed her shot– then that could validate her strength.

Kagome could be all guts and grime and ruthless. She figured killing something unnecessarily could make her stronger.

She stopped worrying and released her arrow. It hissed through the invisible barrier of the unforgiving cold.

Kagome didn't miss.

Right in the neck, the deer clambered to its knees. Her victory was silent. Kagome swallowed and the pressure in her ears popped.

She had clumsily killed many things out of necessity. Killing with no rhyme or reason left her feeling quite strange. She stood on her feet, unsure if she should feel confident or mortified.

What she felt was nothing, but she figured it could be the distance between her and the corpse. So she stepped through the trees, confronting her prize.

It wasn't dead yet. The arrow protruded from its neck, pointing directly at her as she loomed over its body. A river of blood trickled down the neck, soaking its fur, then staining the snow. Its dark eyes peered through her, as if it knew that it had aligned itself with her bad mood. In its stare there was the wisdom Kagome had been seeking to obtain. Immediately, she felt shame.

Before guilt. Before sorrow. Shame ate away at her pride–which was barely there if at all.

She stood there until the deer wheezed its last sigh. And that last sight seemed as if it knew all along that its sole purpose in this life was to serve Kagome a lesson.

Truly, Kagome wasn't herself in Inuyasha's world. Either she was evolving or overcompensating for not having Sango's resilience, Inuyasha's fearlessness, Miroku's desire to live (boundlessly), nor Shippo's optimism in the face of death.

That twenty percent of Kikyou shrunk to five.

Kagome reached for its antlers, hoping that she could drag its body to her friends, but she had little strength to do that. Not only had Kagome become a murderer, but a weak, cowardly one at that. The dead deer moved only a bit at her force.

And Kagome gave up.

She gave up and she cried for taking her anger out on an innocent creature.

x

x

x

Souten wore her dreams of combat and war on her face. Her body was too tiny for the wreckage she planned to unleash onto the world. Placed before Rin, she still gazed about as if she were a six-foot-tall warrior. Chest puffed out, her nose still runny from the tears she had wiped clean on Kikyou's sleeve, Souten nodded curiously at Sesshomaru's ward. Rin blankly stared back at her.

When she was tasked to cater to Rin's safety, her glory faded as did the color from her skin. Kikyou had never seen a soul evaporate from one's body, but she was sure it held a semblance to Souten's blanched cheeks.

Naturally, Rin was unfazed by the decision. There was a fleeting moment, some awareness that appeared in Rin's distant glare. Kikyou wondered how Rin felt about the many gambles on her life. From the outside, it looked as if she had accepted it like any child accepts their fate when they are without the means to change it themselves.

"Lord Sesshomaru!" Souten balked, stumbling onto her feet. "Surely you can find better use of me–I'm a mother hen to no one!"

Kikyou peeled her attention away from Rin's cold disposition and looked to Sesshomaru. She pitied him for how often Rin's human condition went undetected. _How much of it did he willfully ignore?_

"You quarrel with his lordship on your first assignment? _Tuh_. I'd have you smoked for dinner!" Jaken waved a hand as though it was his right to dismiss her. Sesshomaru kept his arms folded. His mouth twitched but he appeared no less aggrieved by her presence.

He looked to Kikyou to find her staring through him.

"That's all I have to offer." Sesshomaru stood. Kikyou's eyes followed him. She remained wordless. The gambit had been her idea. "Whether you agree or not, it makes no difference to me."

Sesshomaru dared himself to end his silent feud with Kikyou by breaking their stare. As he turned to leave, Jaken dutifully followed him.

"But Lord Sesshomaru..." Rin spoke. Her voice penetrated the cruelness of the atmosphere. Sesshomaru stopped, glancing over his shoulder.

"What if I don't like her?" she asked tenderly.

"Then Jaken can have her for dinner." Sesshomaru snorted.

Souten hiccupped.

"Souten will do her best. She only knows victory, so she has told me." Kikyou smiled at Rin, then tilted her head towards Sesshomaru revealing her teeth. They were all quiet. Souten shook so that her armor rattled against her limbs.

"Very well then." Sesshomaru didn't have any more say on the matter.

x

x

"Really Lord Sesshomaru, you shouldn't compromise yourself for that woman."

 _That woman_. He couldn't recall Jaken ever regarding Kikyou by name. No one could call her mortal or soulless. It was an unspoken understanding that she wasn't like any creature known to men. That woman is all she could ever be–that was as insulting as anyone could ever get. Anything else would be a plain as day lie.

Maybe he wasn't the only one infected by Kikyou's presence. Sesshomaru scratched the tip of his nose and looked down to his most loyal companion. Jaken choked in the middle of his sentence, his whole body tensed.

"I haven't compromised myself." Sesshomaru thought better against pointing out that Jaken too had been in just as much danger if Kikyou had the power to bother him so. She had made all of their minds soft like sand.

Gobsmacked, completely beside himself, Jaken swallowed the rock in his throat.

"And if you were more attentive, perhaps you'd be able to see that your worries are a greater number than mine."

Zero to a thousand he supposed would be the proper estimate of their attitudes towards that woman.

x

x

Kikyou knew that she was in danger when she found her own company tiresome. Lonesomeness had been her most defining trait as a navigator. While alone, she thought herself into unsolvable riddles. Surely, nothing should surprise her yet everything had begun to. She felt like an adolescent discovering romance, grief, and terror– all things she had definitely been accustomed to.

 _Danger_ –Sesshomaru would scold her for such simple and dire language, but that's what comfort had always felt like.

"Why do you frown so?" Rin pinched her elbow. Souten hid herself in a tree, grumbling distantly.

"I do not frown." Kikyou lightened her demeanor. "I think too hard is all."

"About what?"

"Things you don't have to worry about until you're older."

Rin didn't readily accept such an answer. She placed her hands in her lap, observed her tiny fingers, huffed, then looked up into the tree. Souten's foot dangled over a branch.

"I don't think she likes me all that much." Rin mumbled but her expression was unbothered.

"Demons don't like much of anything at first." Kikyou winced at her own experience. Rin didn't miss the slight change in her face.

"This I've noticed to be true as well. Lord Sesshomaru still greatly dislikes many things." For a child, Rin always managed to surprise Kikyou with her acuity.

Souten snorted a sound of disapproval.

"Do you disagree, Lady Souten?" There was a pinch of cynicism in Rin's tone. Souten balked, hanging her head down to squint at them.

"I'm no lady!" The tiny demon barked.

"Then what are you if you are not a man?" Again, Rin amused Kikyou with her timely perception.

Rin and Souten shared a very tense moment of silence, gazing at each other with unspoken abhorrence. Neither made an effort to lessen their scowls.

It was a quiet thought, but Kikyou began to question her judgment. Perhaps it was wrong to force a friend onto Rin–a new friend clearly wasn't the cure to her vulnerability.

But she didn't have the heart to send Souten away.

Thus this was the cost for spiting Sesshomaru.

"You're both squabbling children–and that solves both of your issues."

x

x

And Kikyou wasn't going to admit to Sesshomaru that there was a small chance that she had been wrong in pressuring him. She disliked quite a few things about him, but what she hated the most was the very insidious way he smeared a conquest in the face of his opponent. Sesshomaru's victories weren't loud. He always made a point to mute his shrewdness.

It was a very plain look. Distant and bored, but beneath the surface his eyes took hold of all his pride. If his opponent was unlucky enough, the failure was sealed with an incredibly debasing smirk. A very cruel, wicked, simper that reduced one to the trivial feelings of ugliness and unworthiness.

Kikyou once told him that his look alone could inspire enough shame to lead a very weak man to suicide. And he gave her that look of subdued arrogance.

Smug wasn't fitting. There wasn't a single thing smug about Sesshomaru. Smug was too childish of a word.

Kikyou dragged a comb tediously through the ends of her hair. Her skin burning at the thought of him grinning at her victoriously. She snagged a knot and flinched.

Sesshomaru wrinkled his nose, amused by her rare show of anxiousness. Kikyou sighed, dropping her arms, allowing the small comb to hang in her hair.

"They say secrets don't make friends, Kikyou." If voices had consistency, then Sesshomaru's voice would feel like hot wax or hot honey or anything that feels warm and good to touch.

"Good thing we're not exactly friends." Kiykou turned to him and he looked back at her owlishly as if she had caught him in the middle of doing something he shouldn't. Unlike her, he doesn't shrink away from being caught. He continues to gape at her. She wonders if it's right for him to appear less fatal.

"You're not my friend?" He rested his chin against his knuckles, balancing his elbow on his knee.

"No. I am not." She folded her arms, nodding. The comb still tangled in her hair.

"Then what are you?" he asked. Not quite a whisper but lacking his usual graveness.

Kikyou paused for she could not help but observe his otherworldly beauty. The moment was so powerful it made her sick with affection. She had always figured that since she had felt so strongly about a man before, that it could never quite feel the same but it felt exactly the same and maybe a bit worse. Sesshomaru saw her in a way that Inuyasha never could have. When he looked at her, it wasn't with desperation.

She crawled towards him, stopping only when their noses touched.

"You tell me." The command was an invite.

"When I was small I used to keep mantises and I noticed a peculiarity about them." Sesshomaru's lips grew into a smirk. "Now that I've acquired some wisdom, maybe peculiar isn't a fair assessment..."

 _Some wisdom_. Kikyou thought to herself.

"When they capture their prey, they start with the head first. Imagine having your head chewed off while you're conscious and there's nothing you can do about it. Your wits simply weren't sharp enough to save you from the trap. Getting your head bitten off–that's a well-deserved fate for lacking  awareness for your surroundings."

"Are you rambling, Lord Sesshomaru?"

"I do not ramble. I'm making a point."

Kikyou took hold of his neck, her thumbs reaching his ear lobes. She supplemented her premeditated rebuttals with gentle bites of his cheeks. His hair becoming caught in her mouth, but all parts of him tasted satisfactory. There wasn't an inch of him she wouldn't want to ingest.

"I've started with your head. Now what?" Her teeth were no longer nibbles but slow kisses along his jaw.

"If we are not friends then we are sworn enemies." Sesshomaru held her, naturally, but he retained his rigidness. He spoke far away from their intimacy like he was standing outside of himself.

"History would agree with you." She mumbled against his skin.

It was funny, in a cruel way, that Inuyasha still had a presence in her life. Kikyou hesitated at her own self deprecating joke.

"But all of your victims still live so that makes you merciful." Sesshomaru inhaled the smooth stretch of her neck. Her arms snaked over and around his shoulders.

"Or my anger simply hasn't been enough."

"Then what's the solution to this inconvenience?"

"Become angrier." She said matter-of-factly, her bottom lip brushing the lobe of his ear.

For a long while they felt the need to say nothing. Not that there was a shortage of words, but it was hard to mitigate their mutual hard heartedness and the desire to be short winded. Sometimes it was like a waiting game to see who would crack first.

Sesshomaru loosened his hold on her tiny frame and in sync with his unwinding, Kikyou wrapped her legs around him, sinking below his nose.

An unanswered question presented itself. Sesshomaru's eyes brightened at the sudden revelation.

"Why does Naraku loathe you?"

"He doesn't loathe me. It's the direct opposite of loathing." She stopped herself from emphasizing the worst of it.

"What rivals hatred, Kikyou?" Sesshomaru examined her unchanging expression. Often, he was disgusted with himself for not being used to her. _What was worse?_ She could best him at unflappability.

"Love." She said fatalistically.

"That's quite the condition." His miffed tone somewhat betrayed his cool demeanor. If Kikyou didn't know him, it would've gone unnoticed.

"What a boring evening it's been. You've done nothing but state the obvious." Whenever anyone mentioned Naraku, her body would give a visceral response of devastation. When all feeling was gone, dread remained. It ached like eating bad food.

"I suppose that means you're becoming _boring_ and predictable." He wanted to smile but he couldn't bring himself to. Her dread was infectious.

Kikyou turned away, plucked the comb from her hair. Sesshomaru waited for a witty retort yet she didn't dignify him with the response that he wanted. She kept her lips in a tight line, grimacing with a smidgen of pain.

For some strange reason, she took the joke not only to heart, but deep within her conscience.

"I suppose so."

That wasn't what he wanted to hear. An urgency set fire to his patience. Sesshomaru gently grabbed her chin, titling her head to gaze at him. She blinked at him with feigned blankness.

"Sometimes it feels like you know more about me than I do you." He stated. It felt like standing in a field of flowers without a sense of smell.

After a pause, Kikyou lowered her attention to his lips. A quirk she had acquired the day she consciously decided to believe in his security. "What more do you wish to know?"

"Everything that's still a secret."

"Aside from your contentment, what exactly would I gain? I like my secrets." The things that he didn't know weren't necessarily secrets. Just details she didn't find worthy of mentioning or happenings she would have rather forgotten all together. She managed a small smile.

Sesshomaru allowed time to pass in not speaking. He simply looked at her severely.

"I can help you complete your meido."

"I could do it without you." The secret didn't pacify his graveness.

"But could you do it in a day?"

Defeated, he sighed and scratched behind his ear. "If that's all I can gather for a victory then no. Immediately, I could not do it in a day."

x

x

x

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have held onto this for MONTHS. It's not finished but I decided that I will just release it as is. For 2018 I won't rush myself to do anything. I won't beat myself up over my fics not being perfect because at the end of the day, this is supposed to be fun (for myself), not a chore. I really wanted to hit 7k words but I just couldn't. I simply cannot right now and I don't know where my muse for this pairing has gone. I still love it but I'm just not in love with this story right now. That being said I do mean to finish it. 35 chapters is a long standing commitment I won't end. If you followed my old tumblr page, I made a new one with the same url. I wanted a fresh start. Same as my pen name as usual. Thank you for being patient and let us hope that this year will be more inspiring.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [No Stars In Our Hands](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10722906) by [tiffthom](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tiffthom/pseuds/tiffthom)




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